This is my first post, so please be kind ?
Here goes....I’ve been married to my husband for nearly 30 years. I’m 63 now and he’s 73. He’s always disliked young children but accepted my two from my first marriage (they were 10 and 13 at the time). Life wasn’t easy and we had our fare share of problems, especially with my children. He was really horrible to them and when I think about it now my heart breaks. There were plenty of times when I thought I should leave him but back then, I loved him so I stayed, putting him first and my children second. Big mistake. I won’t go into that now though.
My two children are now happily married adults and I am the very proud granny of 4 beautiful grandchildren.
My husband still dislikes small children and when one of my AC visits with their 2DC my husband gets a mood on as soon as he knows they are coming. They do not visit often - maybe once or twice a year - and only for about 3 or 4 nights at a time, never longer. Whilst they are here he’ll go out all day and will only get back late and then he stays in our bedroom. He may say hello to my AC but he totally ignores the children. It’s always very strained when they are here. I will never have a family gathering because both my AC know what my husband is like and they don’t want to put their children through what they went through. They only visit because of me. I tend to visit them more and stay for a week or so here and there. We all live over a hundred miles from each other.
For a number of years my husband and I haven’t done things together like holidays or outings. There’s no romance in our lives and we’ve been celibate for about 20 years. We don’t have family gatherings (he doesn’t have any family) and we don’t have friends. We basically just live together and plod on.
There’s an impending visit on the horizon so today, I asked my husband to cut the metal rods that are poking through the wooden sleepers in our garden. They were used to stabilise sleepers into the ground. They are dangerous, poking up about 6 or 8 inches here and there, but we know where they are so are careful when we’re out in the garden. My grandchildren won’t know where they are. He said why should he pander to the children. If they get hurt it’s their fault. I then asked him how he would feel if one of the children fell and the rod went through their eye and would he like something like that on his conscience. He replied that he doesn’t care about the little f...er and if that happens the kid deserves it.
I couldn’t believe what I heard, my heart broke. I told him he was evil and that I went through loads of troubles with him with my children and put him first and I’m not going through it all again with my grandchildren.
I asked him to pack his bags and leave. I don’t want him here. How on earth do you make someone leave though? He’s still here. I’ve asked him twice to go. The house and car are in my name. We have a joint bank account. I said he can take the car and he can have the money but he must just go. He’s still here.
Could you forgive someone like my husband? I have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of what he said. I have so many regrets. I should have left him years ago. I don’t love him. I don’t hate him. I just don’t want him here.
What would you do?
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This sounds like insidious coercive control to me - he's putting you to the test hoping you won't invite your family over any more by creating a horrible atmosphere before/during/after their visit.
If you don't make a decision to stand up and be counted now, it will only get worse and you'll end up like I did, a prisoner in your own home - seeing nobody;talking to no one.
It's not easy to get out - walking away felt a bit like Nelson Mandela's walk to freedom for me, and it's not all roses afterwards but it's worth it just to be your own person again.
The first thing I would do is get someone in to make those dangerous spikes safe. If your grandchildren are still coming to visit, that's surely a priority. And yes, legal advice. I'm afraid that if you're married to this man, then the matter of whose name the house is in might well be irrelevant. All good luck to you.
I couldnt, no wouldnt, have have put this man before my children, id have got rid of him years ago!- so i have no words for 'kind' advice- you know you should have done that back then, youve 'allowed' him to bully & belittle you& your kids for years and hes still getting away with it! 'He just wont go'? I would have packed his bags years ago- ive no idea why your kids would want to stay for days at a time there they must be gluttons for punishment as well.sorry but ive no kind words for anyone who would put a bloke before their own kids, especially one like him, under the guise of 'loving him then'- its tantamount to helping him be cruel to them.if you had no kids then it would be you alone who was daft enough to stay with him but with your children, putting them through that life?just no.- water under the bridge? I doubt your AC feel like that about it, you're very lucky they still come see you, let alone bring their children.Get the legal advice,first split the money, then make him leave, if he turns nasty ring the police on him.If i were you i would then sell my own house and move to a little place nearer my AC. You could try start making it up to them then over allowing this nasty bloke to control all your lives for so long.Sorry if you feel my plain speaking is harsh, but i feel it has to be said.
Get legal advice NOW!!
If it is easier go to Citizens Advice - ask at library for their address but they may be based there anyway.
You deserve better than this,!
Oh my goodness, mistakes have been made, but it’s not too late. Please get legal advice. If the house is totally yours, you may be able to have him removed by the police for trespassing, but I’m not sure. I would definitely give your local station a call though, to get advice. I would feel threatened and scared of him. He sounds a nasty piece of work, and he needs to be removed. Once out...get the locks changed, but don’t leave your house, he could get squatters rights. Is there someone who could move in with you, to make you feel safer in the first instance? You must get a solicitor though, and fast. I’ll be thinking of you?
* Cuckooz*
Don't be too hard on yourself, from what you have said from your first marriage I guess you were vulnerable when you met your second husband and someone shows you a bit of kindness and 'bingo' you fall in 'love' You have now seen the light and keep strong and under no circumstances should you think he will change he won't. It will not be easy but my goodness when you come out the other end strong independent and HAPPY it will be worth it. Life in my sixties was the best with new groups new hobbies but most of all Peace of mind. Good Luck and I wish you every happiness
I'm sorry to hear this, I'm afraid I personally couldnt or wouldn't have put up with his controlling nasty behaviour, and yes I say nasty because he wanted to marry you and you came with 2 beautiful children.
It's a shame your now missing out on their grown up lives because of him and now your lovely grandchildren..I would definitely get legal advice ...good luck and I hope things get sorted xx
I have been in your situation, Cuckooz, and all I can add is to MOVE FAST. If he thinks you will go through with your threat to leave and he is an unreasonable and selfish as he sounds, he will move like lightening on the finances. You may well find the joint account empty already. That's what my ex-partner tried to do to me and only failed because in his panic he forgot his pin number!!
Although the house is in your name, he will be entitled to a share as he has contributed to it's upkeep over the years, but this may be a chance for you to have a complete fresh start by selling it and buying yourself a smaller property nearer your grandchildren.
I would act first, then discuss. He doesn't sound like the type of person who cares about anyone but himself and your discussions will get you nowhere
Take the bull from the horns and do it now!!
You deserve a better life for you, your children and grandchildren. It won't take long for your life to change for the better.
Cuckooz please don’t look back but look forward. Life isn’t a rehearsal, we only get the one go round, your 63 years young and have the rest of your life ahead of you and many years to enjoy your children and grand children’s lives without fear or dread. First, open a new bank account immediately, transfer half of the joint account into it and ensure your money is paid into the new account. The same day have an appointment made to see a divorce solicitor. They will mention mediation, it’s evident you don’t need that so don’t be coerced into agreeing, be strong. Have three instances where your husbands behaviour was untenable to show your marriage has irrevocably broken down. Ask the solicitor to file straight to the court bypassing any back and forward discussions with your husbands solicitor. (When you get home from the solicitor inform your husband that you’ve started divorce proceedings and advise him he should instruct a solicitor as soon as possible). It will be tough but you’ve done 30 tough years so you can do this. You will be moving as you will have to split the proceeds of the home and any assets but please don’t forget his pension! Remember the house you’re in is just bricks and mortar and Just think you can move nearer your family, have a nice flat nearby and see them much more. You may have to live with him while you are going through a divorce but if you proceed as above it should be a very quick divorce (hopefully no longer than six months) and part of the agreement would be the sale of the house so early on, if agreement is reached the house can be put on the market. Irrespective of what he may want (if he doesn’t agree to a divorce) it will proceed. I’ve been there, I’ve don’t that, if I have any regrets is that I didn’t do it sooner! I wish you all the best. Stay strong and walk tall.
I agree. You need legal advice. If the house is in your name can you sell it? Move nearer to your children. You say you have no friends so you would be leaving nothing behind. you can not make any plans without knowing your rights
So very sorry my lovely
Make your plans and take action. You will start to feel better once you do
Don't spoil the impending visit. Try your best to make the problem outside safe. Enjoy seeing the people you love. Then take action.
First - do the sums and see what your finances would look like for day to day expenses - just for your own peace of mind.
Second, start divorce proceedings by going to talk everything through with a solicitor. They will make sure you are completely clear about your rights and finances. There will be advice about getting problem people to leave.
Third - set up your own bank account and transfer whatever you can - bearing in mind where direct debits need to be.
Where this all takes you will very much depend on the answers you will get from your solicitor.
I wish you great good luck and a happy life henceforth.
Stay put, get legal advice and see if you can " buy " him out if finances permit and take out a 10 year mortgage.
Law has it that the value of the property is split two ways whether he's contributed to its purchase or not since you were married to each other and lived there.
Personally, although the law can seem unfair in these situations I'd be only too glad to give him his share to see the back of him ! See a solicitor asap. x
I don’t know what you should do, other than get him out of your life and if you need to take legal advice to figure it out, then do it. My heart goes out to you - what a horrible situation to be in. He sounds like a monster. Do not spend any time thinking of what you should have done in the past - regrets get you nowhere. Just look to the future and if your AC can give you the emotional Support you need, accept it - don’t be a hero. Xxx
Call a solicitor today (from your mobile, out of earshot)
It's obvious you have to get rid of him. He sounds nasty and who wants someone like that in their life? He's certainly not going to change.
You say the house is in your name. Have you thought about changing the locks ?
Hi there it’s an awful situation but I think you need to take immediate legal advice your husband although not on the deeds will have some rights regarding his tenure in the property either as a “basic occupier” or worse case scenario a beneficial interest in the house
me too Alexa.
apologies Cuckooz.. go for it... keep talking to us, if it helps
but get legal advice ASAP
I agree with GillT...
do it now? it is your decision, I know what I would do.
and yes, keep talking to us,, we are here for you, as much as we can be.
sending hugs and love and prayers,,, not necessarily in that order.
Sorry, Cuckooz, I wrote before I'd read you have already decided what to do.
At least you have made the decision. Better on your own, he holds you back from being yourself. You should get half of everything now. That’s the only problem with splitting up, you end up with half of what you had, that’s why a lot of people accept the unacceptable. No amount if money is worth someone like him, what he said was chilling.
Could you forgive him if he admitted he has a legal duty of care for any visitors children or adults, and will remove the spikes?
Is it possible he does not understand you are serious when you told him to leave? Can you backtrack a little and say something like "Unless you are more polite to the visitors, and unless you are more responsible for their welfare and pleasures while they are our guests I will insist you leave my house" ?
Put your family's visit on hold and go there instead. Separate your finances, and initiate a formal separation pending divorce and start living as if there were 2 individuals sharing the same house i.e. no cooking/washing for him etc. You've been together a long time though so he probably will be entitled to half of everything even if the house was yours to start with.
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