Uncommunicative adult children

Wow you mean some adult children communicate, DSI ; very short email once a month, DS2 text message every two weeks.
DD lives upstairs, 5 minutes in the morning bringing DGS and dog down, then chat when requested.
We are actually very caring, just all very busy, normally me too.
I had not realised how little we talk until lockdown, as they are all working in essential services I think me hassling for attention is not needed.
We know we love each other.

I would like to add a quote (by Ogden Nash) to the comments on older children and their selfish attitudes -
"A notable feat of one-way thinking on a two-way street"
Think of the 5th Commandment (or similar in all religions) dear ladies. Remind your children of it.
You are not a doormat. You have worked and sacrificed to bring up your children. You deserve respect and reciprocity.
If you don't get that from them, why not give your all to a charity?

Does he get on well with his brother? If so, just ignore him. Don't contact him at all. leave it to his brothers, who will probably tell you if you need to know anything?

I have to agree with CarlyD7, you are not respecting his wishes to back off. Maybe he feels that you aren't doing as he asks so he is digging his heels in about acknowledging you when he rings his stepdad. If it were me and I knew he was finding it hard to communicate with me, I'd probably just shout a, "Hello Darling," from afar and walk away. Lots of people don't enjoy small talk and others particularly dislike small talk over the phone.
I know it doesn't feel like pressure in your shoes to persist but these things build up to feel like it if you don't feel someone is listening to you, just in the same way as you feeling more hurt than you should from an ignored message. My advice would be to back off from this son and enjoy the more easy going relationships with your other sons. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I completely understand your dilemma nainfrom. My son and I were very close growing up. It’s hard to accept when they get older especially when you are so used to doing loads of stuff together as we did. My son was 26 when he finally found someone and then moved out. I was heart broken that he left even though happy he had found a mate. He found it hard to cut the apron strings for first few months but I had to step back in order for him to succeed. Remember a daughter is a daughter all her life, a son is a son till he takes wife. It’s enevitable really. But he will be back when he needs child care help. Mark my words grandchildren are the glue that holds you together. Stop giving it headspace and get on with living your life. You have nothing to worry about if you know you haven’t done anything wrong.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nainFron - without wishing to be sexist, I have 2 sons and they are useless at staying in touch. One often sets his mobile to voicemail when he doesn't want to receive calls from anyone. We leave a voicemail and he doesn't always call back.

Try not to take it personally. Your son may need space to deal with things happening in his life. If you tell him again that you are unhappy not to be in more frequent contact he may feel pressurised and stressed and that won't help.

However disappointed and frustrated this makes you feel I would say "Well I'm here if you need me" or similar.

NainFron - do you think there might be something your middle son is ashamed of? Is he married (to a woman), if not is there a chance he's gay and just can't bring himself to tell you. Often when people feel shame or guilt they cut off communication or reduce it to a minimum - this is a common psychological defence mechanism- avoidance. If he places himself in an inaccessible position he doesn't have to disclose anything to you. I also wonder whether as you have good relationships with your other two sons, you might run the lack of communication to the extent of blanking you, past them - they might have an inkling as to whether their brother has a grudge against you or is indeed afraid to tell you something.

It seems that sons are different to daughters on the whole and they don’t feel the need to just ‘get in touch’ for the sake of it. Communicating is functional rather than a pastime so to speak. So I wouldn’t take it too personally. That said, I have sons and I know how hurtful it can be when they’re not in touch. ...On the other hand I hate it if I feel they’ve just contacted me because they feel they should...?you can’t win can you!

Two sons. Poles apart. One phones regularly (too often I'm almost reluctant to say here). The other occasionally sends a text 'xx'. When I queried No 2 over this he said 'You constantly pop into my mind and sometimes I do something about it'. Might add, I reciprocate with 'ditto' Don't think there's one iota of difference in their love for me. Fascinating nonetheless.

These days I say if an adult child acts like they're not interested in knowing you, they're probably not interested in knowing you

I would say this is very true despite the excuses people can make for their children as well as other peoples children. It must be a very hurtful situation to be in and Im not sure I'd be able to deal with a child only contacting my husband and my husband condoning it by not saying to them - have you forgotten something (at the very least).

With my older son, I think he has a touch of autistic behaviour so that his job and his family (while deeply loved) are quite stressful enough in terms of interaction - he needs solitude, so a social phone call is actually stressful for him. Could your boy be similar?

That's quite an insight to have Jilly

You bring sons up to let them go. Not all children relish conversations with their mother. He's an adult with choices. Radical acceptance ?

Neither of my kids phone just ‘for a chat’ .... my daughter at least has children to talk about ... my son and I are from a different planet .... no partner , no kids.... but many friends who he sees as often as possible. He’s a loner I accept it! But he can be lured by a roast dinner even though he’s an excellent cook, he doesn’t do a roast as it’s ‘pointless for one’. My daughter can be lured by offers of babysitting. It used to be money but she’s got more than me now!! So I ask my
son round for a roast every 2/3 weeks or so... and get his help in ‘ stuff needing lifting somewhere’ as he calls it. We all sort of use each other,dont we, it’s the nature of mums to think we’re important to our adult kids....we’re really not! Stop calling you middle boy....it comes out as ‘needy’. He’ll call you sometime.... your husband can give you any news.

Sounds very selfish he rings when he wants something from your husband. I can't believe he has not got time for a phone call. It seems more and more noticeable from this generation. I would never have gone a week without contacting my parents especially my mum. I'm having a very similar time with my daughter. She was extremely well looked after and cared for. But at 37 is jealous of attention I give my small granddaughter. So she has practically cut me off from her. Which I suspect will continue until she wants something. Indeed we are meeting them tomorrow which coincidentally is my son in laws birthday this week....

How true well said. We seem to be excusing downright selfishness.

Make sure absolutely no money/ presents etc. goes his way, he sounds very selfish indeed. Get your husband to back you on this. Continue to keep in touch with the other sons as much as possible.

My 2 adult sons still live at home at 33 and 25 with the eldest now having started to save for a deposit. I see them almost every day unless away they are for weekend. They live in roof convertion and have enormous rooms with fridge, kettle and shower room so once they go up to what we jokingly call the penthouse suite we tend not to see them again until next day. My dd is married and lives over 250 miles away. I know she is busy with 2 dgc but we chat on mobile for about 30 mins once or twice a month and sometimes my dgc who is 4 rings me for 3 or 4 mins to say hello and tell me what he has been doing. I am closest to my youngest son and before Covid often went out for a late lunch or an afternoon tea together as he works form 5am-1pm. One evening a week we share a takeaway with both sons and sometimes watch a movie or football match on TV together.

Sounds as if he is using your husband...asking for money etc. Ask your husband to say no to him. Then just leave it and see what happens...

You are doing the right thing,difficult though it is. Give him the space.Do not contact.
The more silent you are the better.
Hopefully the situation will improve.

Are they on Facebook? Commenting and liking their posts is a way of showing interest and they can respond if they choose . I stay in touch through my DIL’s FB too.

I was the same with my mum. I moved away at 18 and I could easily go for 3 months or more without speaking to her - didn't mean I didn't love her. With my own sons - the youngest at 26 lives about a mile away, and we talk loads. The older one at 27 lives with us - but he has had girlfriends in the past when he has spent so much time at their homes that we have barely seen or spoken to him for 12 -18 months. For him it is always out of sight out of mind.

I think the other way...with AC hanging around being ‘ needy’, would be far worse. In fact I know it is, I’ve seen it with friends. It sounds like you did a great job, and now he’s fully independent and doesn’t need you in the nicest possible way. Just back right off and do nothing. If you feel he only contacts you when he wants something, you could try saying you’re unable to help with that at the moment, but even if you don’t do this, I still think it’ll make him think eventually...just might take a while. Enjoy the people who do want to be around you, and just let the others go. He’ll soon be back.

I would just let him get on with it, as others suggest. He contacts your DH only when he wants something, so I would leave him to stew.
My oldest son, who lives in Australia is the world’s worst at communicating. My messages are usually unread, and he rarely sends one to me. I don’t even get a birthday card, just a “Happy birthday” Facebook message, or even just a ‘like’ on someone else’s. His wife isn’t any better. When she posted on Facebook, recently, that she had broken her arm I messaged to find out what had happened, but received no reply.
What really peeves me, though, is that if I post something on Facebook that he disagrees with, he is on there with a contradictory comment within minutes.
He has plenty of spare time, and no children, so it’s not that he is too busy. We get on perfectly well when I visit them, but he just can’t be bothered. He’s the same with all the family, not just me.

I don't think it is asking too much for our children to keep in touch with us occasionally, not when you think how easy it is these days. We are past the days of standing by the family land line phone or sitting with a pen and paper followed by a trip to the post office. The occasional quick text is all that is needed and to not even do that is just lazy and thoughtless. I find a family WhatsApp group is the best way then you can all swap news and photos. My mum died unexpectedly four years ago. Out of my two brothers and myself , the brother who had made the least effort to visit or keep in touch was the most upset and distressed of all of us at the funeral. Guilt tears I suspect, especially as it was just after Christmas and he hadn't even made the effort to come to collect his family's Christmas presents in the weeks before.