Uncommunicative adult children

I'm with Grandmabatty

In these days of mobiles I only msg and rarely make calls. For a call I'd always msg first to see when would suit.

Your son's response was not very kind though. A call is to communicate rather than transfer information

I only heard from my son when he needed something - usually money. This continued when he decided to go to the USA and marry a girl there. I did hope I would hear a bit more from them once he married but no, it continued in the same pattern . At the time my now ex dil was on Facebook and I friended her so got to see photos of my grandchildren and bits about what they were up to via that - perhaps she considered that was enough and felt no need to communicate directly with me. Things have changed with the advent of the Internet, Facebook, Snapchat and the other contact platforms, I used to see my mum and mum in law once a week when we lived in the same city, once we moved miles away I phoned once a month and my children spoke to their Gran's at the same time (made sure DH spoke to his mum as well). If there was an emergency then we would get a phone call and everyone seemed content with that, I think we have become more expectant that children will keep in contact because it is so much easier to do so today - at least your DS is communicating with your DH so you know he is alright, frustrating I know but I think the more you push to have him contact you directly the more he will pull away.

There is a point to having children in the first place. I’m sure its not for them to walk off into the distance, when they’re adults.
If they do, it’s heartbreaking. Especially if you haven’t fallen out.
But of course we can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. This is why you need friends as well as family.

Jennyluck

No baby signs a lifebonding contract as soon as he or she is born.

Geekesse, thank you for your comment, "I think the need for constant contact between a parent and adult children is mostly a sign of insecurity, sometimes an indication of an urge to be controlling. We should have the confidence that our kids can cope with the world without our regular input, that they love us and know that we love them without frequent reminders. We should trust that they can run their own lives competently without needing to know every daily detail of how they are doing that."

I really needed to hear that today. I don't regularly get on to read and post, but I am so glad I did today. Covid is making me realize it is time to let go and "get a life" myself. These are words of wisdom!

A lot of these 'uncommunicative Adults' sound a lot like ASD tendencies tbh, and i have family members with ASD or aspergers behaviours who are exactly like that- i also have other family who ring regularly, even to chat, or if they want something specific, who dont have these traits..might be worth thinking about.?

One of my sons is just the same and it's heart breaking, we haven't fallen out or anything, but he'll only get in touch if he needs something. As sad as it is, I've learnt that I just have to give him the space he wants, it's the only way forward.

Ive no idea why he'd speak to your hubby and Not you though, it would seem natural to speak to both occasionally, unless he genuinely feels theres a 'grievance' of some kind he feels youve done, even though you yourself cant genuinely remember any such occurance? It could be something slight that hes taken umbrage over, but you genuinely dont have a recollection of??? Kids, huh?!

Sadly I remember being thoughtless where my Mum was concerned. There was no issue with our relationship, I just got on with my life and hardly though about her - until she was no longer there.
What I’d give to telephone her now and hear her voice again.

Maddy68, you’re welcome. I’m sure most parents on GN are trying their best, but sometimes we try too hard and our best is not always our kids’ best. My own parents were expats in the days when letters took ten days each way, and phone calls were prohibitively expensive. They and I had to learn to trust each other because frequent updates just weren’t possible.

Now I’m a mother and grandmother of a widely scattered family, I value the calls I do have with them, but I also know that lack of calls doesn’t mean lack of love. Oddly enough, I’ve spoken to all of them more often during lockdown, probably because we all have more slack time in the week to squander on a chatty video call.

It’s sons. I have three and I know they love me but only ring when they want something. My middle one was widowed 20 months ago so I see him a couple of times a week, sometimes more but before that I hardly ever saw him.

To be honest I get bored by long phone calls and sometimes when friends ring I could scream as I know I’m going to be on the phone for ages. Some people love chatting on the phone but men don’t normally like to. I’d do what others have said and forget about it and get on with your life.

My lovely dad always said he didn't "do" small talk.If we had thing to tell him or problems to solve he was always there for us but he wouldn't stop for a blether about the little things .He was our go to person growing up as mum had health issues and his mantra was dont worry your mother.As he got older he would sometimes pass the day but there was no way he would spend time chatting either on the phone or ff it if he didn't have to. Lots of folk are like that ..and contray to a previous post they aren't autistic or any other mental health spectrum.Its just who they are.Your son spoke to his stepdad because he needed to ,end of story.He didn't have anything of importance to say to you .Its not meant to be hurtful or neglectful..its just his way

Ydoc, so very true & you hit the nail on the head. Sadly alot today are very selfish and only think of themselves , there's very little of honouring parents

Karen22, I incline to the view that parents are not entitled to honour just because they produced a child. Honour is something that has to be earned. If an adult child is selfish, perhaps we should ask how and from whom they learnt that selfishness is acceptable?

What really peeves me, though, is that if I post something on Facebook that he disagrees with, he is on there with a contradictory comment within minutes

Set your posts so that he can only see what you want him to see. He won't be aware of it and he can then save his puff for blowing his porridge.

my middle daughter is also wrapped in her own world and hardly gets in touch with me, when she does then she is loving but her getting in touch is rare. She has a family and a smallholding and pets and works so is busy and that is fine. I long ago accepted her as she is, it is her choice. I don`t even have her phone number and I accepted that too. I don`t understand it but have learnt to live with it

I am grateful to have 3 children, the other 2 are nicely communicative and we do zoom every 2 weeks, they don`t live close but we do ring each other. All have been brought up the same and treated the same. That acceptance is for my benefit, it could break my heart but I accept that it is her wish.

I am widowed and not a dependent or needy person, I have not changed my will or anything and am always kind and friendly, one day she will realise, when it is too late. In the meantime I don`t beat myself up

As long as i know my children are ok i am happy. We use texts and visits to maintain contact but if i dont hear between these i dont fret, we are all adults and have lives to get on with . I know if something was wrong i would hear and visa versa. Some people need more contact with their children so what suits one doesnt suit someone else.

I guessed my sons have conferred about aged mother's present needs. One son who lives a good few miles away rings daily and visits once a week. The ot.

They are both affectionate men however I doubt either of them enjoy the company of aged mother who never even goes out now. So I feel grateful for the kindness they give me.

My text disappeared no edit facility.

"the other who lives nearby visits twice a week."

Geekesse Every adult child is their own person and their basic personality is something they’re born with. If they’re selfish by nature that isn’t something that can be laid at the parents’ door.

It’s really tough but when you get the hint you have to back off. Not easily done but in time it will balance back as long as too many demands aren’t made. Bear in mind you’ve made a lot of others mothers (including myself) feel assured it’s not just them it’s a common and sometimes necessary experience.
I think with males who had a close bond with their mother the need and expression of separateness is vital for their development as an individual and it is one of the mother’s tasks to bear with that.
When he feels secure in his own skin he’ll come back to honour you.

I have a couple of friends who have very close relationships with their sons in their forties ... it seems emotionally displaced. As the famous psychoanalyst Helene Deutsch said this rejection by the adult child is ‘the tragic destiny of motherhood’ (she suggested the only remedy was to have about ten children... so less time to grieve!) but the true art is letting go and trusting them. And hope for the best.