Very difficult DIL

Good manners is subjective concept.

The rules are not the same in the 18th, 14th or now.
Even in the same year, manners are different depending on the area you live, religion, upbringing

Judging everybody by your own definition of good manners is flawed, as shown in this thread

* Gaga If you behaved badly in my home you would not be invited back and I certainly would not want to go to your home*

And for a lot of spouses you tell them one is at welcome. Then the entire family isn’t welcome.
Not the son and certainly not the grandchildren. And if they’re not welcome in your home. You can say good but to setting foot in theirs.

Gaga If you behaved badly in my home you would not be invited back and I certainly would not want to go to your home.
I said upthread that you cannot expect people to like you, but you can expect good manners especially in your own home from your DIL.
You say your MIL was controlling, but could it be she just did not put up with your nonsense.

Chewbacca

^MiLs, like grandparents, cannot dictate what younger family members do.^

So where do you draw the line at rude, bad mannered and discourteous behaviour by a guest in your home Gagajo? Do you just continually turn a blind eye to their rudeness and pretend that you don't mind it, just so that you don't offend them, for fear that you will be sidelined? Aren't good manners, courtesy and being polite reciprocal? Surely, when you visited your MIL you had basic good manners didn't you?

I did initially Chewbacca, but my MiL was a controlling, unpleasant woman. So after I'd been married to her son for a while, I'd avoid her every chance I got. And yes, at times I would just slip away. I once even volunteered to work over the Thanksgiving holiday (American family) to avoid spending it with her.

The only similar situation I've been in was with my daughter's partner. He behaved much as the OP says her DiL behaves and yes, I totally ignored it. Frankly, I preferred it when he avoided me. Less awkward that way. But because I didn't want to alienate my daughter, I tolerated him.

1 to 2 hours of a long weekend visit - not rude

1 to 2 hours of a 3 hour visit - rude

Context makes a huge difference

MiLs, like grandparents, cannot dictate what younger family members do.

So where do you draw the line at rude, bad mannered and discourteous behaviour by a guest in your home Gagajo? Do you just continually turn a blind eye to their rudeness and pretend that you don't mind it, just so that you don't offend them, for fear that you will be sidelined? Aren't good manners, courtesy and being polite reciprocal? Surely, when you visited your MIL you had basic good manners didn't you?

Oopsminty one of my my mother's many sayings!

His wife would have been round here pronto.
Actually, she and I could have had a vino together while he snored upstairs.

The vicar has never disappeared for a nap in my house.

So you say Callistemon but how do we know for sure?

Callistemon

Chewbacca

I find the daughter in law, disrespectful and rude. She seems moody. She does not have to like you but in your house she should show basic manners or just not visit.

Agreed; basic common good manners from anyone, and everyone, that visits someone's home. Don't care if they're daughters in law, mother's in law or the vicar; when you're a guest in someone else's home, be polite, civil and courteous.

The vicar has never disappeared for a nap in my house.

However, he did tramp over my new carpet in his dirty shoes and I didn't like to ask him to take them off.

You could have reminded him that cleanliness is next to godliness, Callistemon!

rafichagran

I find the daughter in law, disrespectful and rude. She seems moody. She does not have to like you but in your house she should show basic manners or just not visit.
I dont know why some posters are so harsh, I would not allow disrespect in my home. It seems some of you do though.

I'm afraid if my MiL had taken your approach, I would have stopped visiting altogether. And you would have also been unwelcome in my home.

MiLs, like grandparents, cannot dictate what younger family members do. If they try, they can very easily be sidelined.

Just another thought - and I apologise if someone else has already suggested it - I wonder whether your DIL finds Skype rather awkward and embarrassing to be on? I am really not keen on Facetime for that reason, but it has been better than nothing, especially during the early days of lockdown. I am a self-conscious person and don’t like to see my own face on the screen!!

Hi Paddyanne
Yes I do remember being a young Mum with very difficult in-laws, We all know that there are exceptions, but I wouldnt've dreamt of preventing them or their father from seeing the children, however difficult they were. The children loved them and vice versa. They now have lovely relationships with all three of them.

Chewbacca

^I find the daughter in law, disrespectful and rude. She seems moody. She does not have to like^ you but in your house she should show basic manners or just not visit.

Agreed; basic common good manners from anyone, and everyone, that visits someone's home. Don't care if they're daughters in law, mother's in law or the vicar; when you're a guest in someone else's home, be polite, civil and courteous.

The vicar has never disappeared for a nap in my house.

However, he did tramp over my new carpet in his dirty shoes and I didn't like to ask him to take them off.

Am new to gransnet and am surprised at some of the apparently harsh comments relating to this thread. It’s not what I expected from this site.

Jane I agree with you about the Skype, but to disappear for up to 2 hours in someones home without telling anyone is rude and entitled and very bad manners.
I dont mind if people come and say they feel tired or need or want to go up to the bedroom for a hour or two, but show manners and tell someone. Also if she feels that way she should not visit, then she will have time for herself.

I think it’s extremely rude and disrespectful. I have two lovely DIL’s who I know would never behave this way. She obviously wasn’t brought up properly. Try not to make an issue of it. Just carry On As if nothing is amiss. She might be waiting for a confrontation to give her an excuse to absent herself

I find the daughter in law, disrespectful and rude. She seems moody. She does not have to like you but in your house she should show basic manners or just not visit.

Agreed; basic common good manners from anyone, and everyone, that visits someone's home. Don't care if they're daughters in law, mother's in law or the vicar; when you're a guest in someone else's home, be polite, civil and courteous.

The OP’s complaints are that her DiL doesn’t want to talk to her on Skype, and sometimes goes upstairs for a little lie-down in the afternoon, and some of you think this is ‘disrespectful’??
I’m almost lost for words.
My DiL doesn’t like talking on Skype and I respect her feelings on the matter.
She sometimes likes time to herself when we visit.
I respect that too.
Respect is a two-way street.

Ah so dils are controlling devil women and the sons are the poor weak willed men. Give me strength.
These expectations are never placed on men.

Perhaps it's simply a case of unrealistic expectations. There's no reason why you should automatically like or get along with your in-laws.

To be tolerated and allowed a relationship with grandchildren is maybe quite good enough.

My son often visits with the GC, my DIL rarely comes with them - and it means that they won't stay so long.

My other children find her rude and sulky, too. I think that it's just her way. She's shy, not comfortable or happy in extended family situations, that's all.

She's a good and loving wife and mother, though. What could be more important?

eagleswings

That hit a nerve Summer love..and yes I do think the law needs to be challenged on this and when individuals behave in this way. There is too much heartache around this not to speak up. It has been tolerated too long.

Hit a nerve? For me?

I just find it funny that mother-in-law’s shouldn’t be generalised, but it’s perfectly acceptable to do it to daughter-in-law’s.

That someone who complains about the power grabs wants to use the ultimate power grab. If you don’t find that ironic, Then I struggle to see how you would ever manage to take a case to court

Karen22

Well said Eagleswings .
More compassion please as there are some very harsh comments

Compassion for who?

Everyone? That includes DILs.

I find the daughter in law, disrespectful and rude. She seems moody. She does not have to like you but in your house she should show basic manners or just not visit.
I dont know why some posters are so harsh, I would not allow disrespect in my home. It seems some of you do though.

Well said Eagleswings .
More compassion please as there are some very harsh comments