Very difficult DIL

All replies seem fairly reasonable to me, seeing that we only know one side of the story.

Are you a new poster, CountessFosco?
If so, welcome if you are still on here.

I am truly amazed, shocked even, that some of these responses are so extremely unsympathetic, bordering on the brutal. If I was wanting a few helpful hints on what is to us a delicate situation, then obviously this is not the place to encounter them.
To say "if these minor things leave you feeling ‘disrespected’ then quite frankly you obviously don’t have enough to worry about" is judgemental. How do you know what we have to worry about? Don't worry though, wont be posting again. Cyber-warriors!

When Mums talk to their DD and perhaps DGC on Skype, Facetime or whatever, do they expect their sons-in-law to join in the conversation too, I wonder?

Or is that ok if they don't?

When I read your title ‘Very difficult DIL’ I was expecting far worse than the actions you’ve listed. I too would need some time alone if I was staying with friends or family for a weekend. I can’t do ‘sociable’ for days on end. It doesn’t mean I don’t like my hosts. It just means I need my own space for a while. Neither would I feel the need to join in on Skype. You speak to your DS and DGDs so why do you need to speak with DIL as well? Particularly as you don’t seem to like her.

Tbh, if these minor things leave you feeling ‘disrespected’ then quite frankly you obviously don’t have enough to worry about.

It does seem a bit rude just to disappear for a couple of hours without saying anything. Best not to say anything to her as your dh says but you are both thinking badly of her. Instead of thinking ill of her when she may have a reason to need to be alone, how about showing some thoughtful concern?When she has taken herself off why not ask your son if she is alright and have you done anything to upset her?if he says she is fine just let it go.

I have a d.il. who has treated me awfully at times, snide remarks, and if there were no snide remarks, it was the silent treatment. Blame my son......he can be obnoxious and she must have picked up the vibes and thought 'what's sauce for the goose.....'. Things between us are better now, but we are certainly not best of friends.
For the sake of your son and grandchildren, just go with the flow....

Oh dear. This could be me. It doesn't matter who I'm visiting after a bit I need some alone time. I've always thought they might be glad to see the back of me for a bit too?

If I could sit quietly and read on the same room that would be manageable but some people just can't help talking to you.

For the record I adored my mother in law but she could only go about five minutes before needing to engage. I used to go for a walk.

I also used to disappear to give her some time with her son, without me tagging along.

Now I think I might have got it all wrong.

Don't overthink it - it's about her, not about you. And don't try too hard or put pressure on her. I think it is a good sign that she is sufficiently relaxed to go off on her own for a bit and leave her DDs with you. It's probably a treat for her to be able to have some timeout and a sign that she trusts you. Just be kind and natural and enjoy your time with your DS and DGDs.

Your DIL may well warm to you in time you don't force things. It sounds as though her trust has been broken in the past - not by you - so she finds it difficult to trust and relax. It will come, eventually, if you are patient.

Where does OP say she wants her dil to 'bow before her. OP says she just wants a more congenial relationship. As JuneRose says surely a bit of give and take isnt too much to ask. It costs nothing to wish someone a happy birthday and just to be pleasant surely.

Your DIL has had a difficult childhood by the sound of it. I did. I had a problem relating to my mother in law. She gave me no leeway to be myself and have my own feelings and needs. She kicked up at the middle name of our first son. My H fell out with her for a long time at one point.

My own DIL had an awful time of it with her mother and says all sorts about her. If you knew the story you would completely get it. But she also can't relate well to me. She tells me of incidents in the past to unburden herself, she knows I understand....then feels disloyal and distances herself from me wishing she hadn't said anything. It's difficult.

Cut the DIL some slack OP, as she sounds like she struggles maybe in ways you cannot understand, yet she does visit you, she does love your son and has given you GC. Leave her be, maybe one day there will be a natural breakthrough and you can find some common ground....but don't force it.

I agree with anna7.

Leave her be. Hating her mum for probably good reason doesn't make her a mum hater or older generation hater. She probably is just self sufficient having grown up without support and doesn't need it. If she is polite to you, what's wrong with that? You didn't get the relationship you wanted but that doesn't mean she isn't comfortable with you. Accept her as she is and your relationship will be fine

She is getting on with her MiL.
She stayed with her and doesn’t stand between the relationships of the husband and her children.

OP just wants her to bow before her.

I think it is normal to want to have a friendly relationship with one's daughter in law. Also, yes the girl married the son and not the family but surely it would be more pleasant for the son if his wife makes an effort to get on with his mum. Isn't that what families are all about? A bit of give and take all round?

Yet another MIL who feels ‘disrespected’ , leave the girl alone.

* . I'm an introvert and need time on my own*

I’m thinking along the same lines. That the DIL is an introvert and needs time out from situations.

Try to find the good in this person. Surely there must be something about her - after all, your Dear Son married her and has stayed with her and together they have raised a family.

Think about this.. does she work? Maybe she cooks? Does she seem to love the girls and your son? Perhaps she is a kind person, a loyal one? Maybe she’s witty, creative or has some other skill. Once you start to notice these things, I think you will warm to her, and then you’ll be off on a new, and hopefully, happier trajectory.

Good luck.

"Perhaps, as the relationship with her mother is so poor, she has never known a good mother’s love. That could be a place for you to fill."
Oh please do NOT do this. Terrible, terrible advice.
We are talking about an adult woman (dil) who is already a mother. Not a child who is an orphan

Yes, you can catch more flies with honey- let your dil be and everything will happen organically.

There is no problem with taking a bit of 'me time' but would she just not say something rather than just disappear. It seems a strange way to behave to me. Nothing to do with being male or female, if it was a sil rather than a dil staying at my house I would hope they would explain they were going for a lie down or to read for a bit rather than disappear and be left wondering where they had gone off to. However, I suppose we are all different and I certainly wouldn't rock the boat over something relatively unimportant.

I'd not have wanted to have zoomed with either of my mothers-in-law

Should there be an apostrophe in there?

Anyway, no, I think it's polite of her to allow you time with your son and grandchildren.

As for disappearing, again, as people have said, maybe it's nice for her to get some peace.

Why don’t you make up a little box for her, with some scented candles, a new book, little fleece blanket for day time rests or some chocolates for her, something that you know she would like. Give it to her with love and kindness and suggest she have a little rest because you know she’s a good mum. Not patronising but kind. That might help starting to form a good relationship with her. As the older woman you have to gently let her know you care. Perhaps, as the relationship with her mother is so poor, she has never known a good mother’s love. That could be a place for you to fill. Do it gently and slowly and she might learn to reciprocate. Don’t get on your high horse saying she doesn’t do this and that. Perhaps she knows no better. I have 3 wonderful daughters in law and have a great relationship with them, though it took time and effort. No matter what I never complain or expect this and that from them. Every time I have problems or feel left out I think of my dreadful controlling mother in law.. I vowed never to do her wonderful brand of emotional blackmail. After all you catch more flies with honey.

if this is genuine, it follows a usual pattern of MIL being outraged or getting the hump because wicked DIL doesn't dance attendance upon MIL in the expected fashion.
this may have been a reasonable expectation in the court of queen victoria; but now, no way jose.

I also don't see anything wrong with her behaviour. You are making a mountain out of a mole hill and will keep getting worse with your unrealistic expectations.

They visited and spent the weekend together, that is a great sign!
What is wrong with taking an hour or two for herself?

Her relationship with her mother is none of your concern. It is between her mother and your dil.

If her mother has the same values you do and shares the same definition of respect, I can see where the problem comes from.

Right now you have a cordial and civil relationship. Dont spoil it

I thought the same Gagajo - perhaps she nipped upstairs for a rare bit of 'me' time or a nap leaving the grandparents time to have the girlies on their own.

You could be describing me. I don't get on with my mum and didn't get on with my mil. I had no problem with husband spending time with his family but really didn't want to be included. I'm an introvert and need time on my own. When you're a mum with a young family, there's very little time to yourself. Lovely to grab a bit when there are in laws around to be with the children.