My husband is very hostile towards my grandchildren

Yes posts like Mooney69's just don't sit well with me. Leaves me wondering if i have a place here yet.

But it’s one day a week, Mooney59, and seems to be something the OP enjoys doing. In my opinion the happiest couples always have their own interests as well as spending time together. They don’t have to live in each other’s pockets.

You should stop looking after you granddaughter so much. Your husband retired so now you should spend more time together not stuck in looking after a child. Not what you wanted to here I know but my opinion. If you ignore your partner you will end up alone. You didn’t sign up for babysitting duties and when he retired he would have expected you to himself with at most a weekly visit from the children and grandchildren.

Bluebelle - i'm a first time poster on this thread.
I chose to post yesterday because Creamteas post was familiar to me.
I've read other threads on here where it has been suggested time spent with grandchildren isn't excessive. I have been observing age groups and perceived status of posts and whether i had anything relevant to say eg life in retirement. I have been feeling gransnet comes across a bit old, cliquey and not very relevant for me yet but i have been persevering. I have 4 grandchildren afed 11 and below so i feel i could be a relevant poster. i am feeling old and out of touch with the younger generations on mumsnet. I took the plunge yesterday but your comment about new posters is making me wonder whether i have come to the right place are we welcome or are we cluttering up the thread.

Sorry for your dilemma but while going to your daughters for the day might solve the initial problem it really does nothing to address other issues. in my opinion you would be giving in to him and saying to your daughter and grandchildren its better not to visit me because 'he' doesn't like it. You say you are very close to your daughter so don't let him alienate her from you. If you allow him to win this situation what happens when the next situation comes along. He sounds like he's controlling you and one day a week is hardly excessive I see or hear from my daughter most days and wouldn't be happy with anyone who tried to change that!

Absolutely MissA

I think this kind of situation is more common than people will admit to, or perhaps that they don't recognise it within their own family set up.

Of course, it's unacceptable, not least because this type of behaviour chips away at you, until you slowly become someone you don't recognise or like very much.

What a horrible selfish man, you shouldn’t have to compromise with your own grandchild, No wonder he never sees his own often,grumpy old bugger,

I’m so sorry for you. It’s a very difficult and sad situation to be in but I’m afraid for me, my relationship with my children and grandchildren would have to come first. Wishing you all the luck in the world ❤️ Xx

wow - so true- great advice.

Jealousy from a covert narcissist comes in many forms. Unfortunately, since its about him, you have to completely ignore him. He wants that situation to cause you angst. It feeds his narcissist injury. So here is what you do. First stop crying. He actually likes that. Second, take your grandchild out. As soon as she is dropped off, pack up your car, hop on the bus, or take a train. Spend your quality time together. The grandchild does not need that kind of grandpa. Be grateful for every moment you have and stop worrying about your narcissistic husband. He certainly isn't spending even a second worried about you. Expect him to up the ante, to get you to cry, but don't. Simply say, its uncomfortable for both you and the grandchild so I've decided to separate you two. Dont say anything else. Whatever he says, answer the same. Let him say all the awful things he is going to say but don't react. I assure you, he is looking to hurt you. Dont reward him. Dont defend yourself. Another covert narcissist trap. Do not defend your actions. Just state what you are doing and do not ask permission. If your marriage dissolves then he wasn't a very nice person and you are much better free of that guy than caught up with an untrainable narcissist. Good luck sister. You do not need to hurt over this. He is making you hurt and thats his desire, unfortunately. The more you hurt, the more he feels loved. Sick, but true.

Susantrubey may well have been the injured party, wife leaves computer open on GN and he speaks his mind using her name thus outing her. Just a possibility.

That his sees little of his children is telling. If you have a good relationship with them I would be tempted to carefully ask them about it.

I’d bet that if they can be honest with you they will say that he wasn’t particularly interested in them and/or he was controlling.

I do understand that he’s retired and wants to spend time with you but he gets you 6 days a week. Does he expect you to be at his beck and call all of the time? It sounds like it.

He is allowed not to enjoy young children of course. For the sake of peace I would look after your Grandchild in their own home. In addition to solving the problem it would give you some space from him. He may not be happy about it but he can spend time in his own home.

He is displaying controlling behaviour.

There is one other thing to consider here; you don’t say what your financial position is but if you leave him before you have been married for 5 years and you go for a divorce it will be considered to be a short marriage in law, which means that you may be vulnerable financially. This particularly applies if he is significantly better off than you. I know that this advice is cynical but it’s one thing to leave a marriage with very little in your 30s when you have time to earn more and build assets. Quite another to be left with little to live on when you are in your 60s.

I've been in a similar situation, a dreadful place to be, as it isn't only the day you have your DGD, the rolling eyes and disinterest, it is the day before when you hope other half will behave, then the day after when he may condescend to recover his normal demeanor. Eventually it poisons your relationship totally.
In my case it was 2nd husbands jealousy and control, but I didn't see it at the time.

I have one a bit like that - you have my sympathy. I ignore my DH but it will come to a head as my DD is fully aware and worries about how it will affect my DGCs. Ultimately he will need to choose between being civil and welcoming to them or living on his own because i will not be put in a position of my DD and DS won’t come visit

Why should she babysit a grown man dot surely he’s old enough to take himself off to do something else if he doesn’t like the company of kids why should she have to ‘find’ things for him to do ? It’s one day a week for eff s sake

Is it me or are there a large amount of new posters taking part in this thread ??

My Dad had no time for babies or toddlers, he was only interested in children when they could hold a conversation (he was exactly the same with the three of us when we were little). When I visited with my son he would huff and puff and go out into his shed in the garden or suddenly find something needed to be done in the garage. Sometimes he just sat at the table and read his paper. Some men do not get along with young children, at your DH's age I imagine he isn't going to change. Could you babysit at your DD's instead? That way you can relax and enjoy your GC company. If that is not possible then perhaps you could find your DH something to occupy his time whilst GC is with you? There must be things you need doing around the house/garden - or perhaps you could persuade him to join a club or something like the Men's Shed which caters for retired men. I don't think he is jealous, he just isn't child orientated (and he isn't the only grandparent that is like that) Perhaps you could arrange something just for the two of you on a day when you are not babysitting? Some retirement clubs are opening up again and starting to organise events/meetings/trips out - be worth looking to see if there something you could do together as a couple.

Hi so sad now we can get back to seeing and looking after our grandchildren Time for a hard think about your husbands views why would you want to be with someone like this best to give him an ultimatum telling him he’s not the person you thought he was and you wouldn’t have married him if you knew his views life’s too short and why would you want to spend time with a mean person families mix and share so bye bye meanie

Sounds like 'subtle' coercive control, using grandchild to manipulate CreamTea and so upsetting for the mother as well.
Needs calling out - does the naughty step still exist

Bankhurst the difference is this husband is not open to suggestions and is being cruel to her grandchild it’s not quite the same as your husband who seems to have been able to adjust even though it was not natural to him we make adjustments as necessary but creamteas husband isn’t open to any adjustments so a different scenario and we are talking about ‘one day a week’

I put up with this kind of behaviour from my (now) ex for many years. He is a controlling narcissist and behaved like a 5 year old, with my kids, grandkids, my friends, my interests and hobbies, my further family. Finally, he did something totally unforgiveble. I faced him with it, he twisted it against me. We were in a restaurant. I picked up my handbag and walked out. I walked 3 miles home, got my car keys and left for the rest of the day. The next day I instructed a house valuer, a solicitor, a barrister, split our joint account and started planning my escape. Six months later I was free, I bought a house and that was 7 years ago. I have never been so happy since that moment. DO NOT let a pathetic spoilt bully ruin your relationship with your precious family!! Marriage is about sharing, not being controlled.

I’m afraid most of the replies fail to take into account the issues around second marriages, adult children and grandchildren. We married 20 years ago with 5 children between us, all in their 20s/early 30s. Now I have 5 grandchildren and he has none. Our families feel ‘unbalanced’ as we spend more time with mine than with his, all 3 of whom are single and solitary. This was not something we could foresee, although I think I should have considered the extent to which he would expect me to put him before family. It presents many problems, but I would not go along with the ‘just leave him’ school of thought. We make adjustments as necessary, such as me sometimes seeing my family without him being there - I always give him the choice. I never gave in to the ‘you love them more than me’ line, tacit or spoken, and he’s given up trying. Now it all seems to work.

Creamteas and Karalou51 It wasn't until my husband died that I really began to see his jealousy as the controlling coercive abuse it really was. This is going to sound dreadful, because when he died it was such a relief to be free. But the regretful anger that surfaced almost overwhelming. Times very different when this happened, no aid even for an able professional woman with a child and obtaining a mortgage without a male signatory a nonstarter. My advice to anyone faced with my experience today, is get out before it is too late, and you have wasted years of your life on something unworthy. Marriage is a partnership of equals and concern for the welfare of each other the cement that should bind it together.

susantruby that was an appallingly insensitive and unhelpful post.

Well susantrubey your post was neither helpful nor constructive was it? How ironic that you should call creamteas disgusting.