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My husband is very hostile towards my grandchildren

(172 Posts)
CreamTeas Fri 14-Aug-20 09:38:44

Honestly, I could cry! We are both on our second marriage. We have been married 3 years and known each other for 7.
He has children and grandchildren he seldom sees although they live quite close. I have one daughter I am very close to and she has two children. Since we married she has had another child and I sometimes look after her. I used to care for her in her home while my husband was at work. I haven't seen them at all since lockdown but they have started to visit again, and I have returned to looking after the now 2 year old while daughter is at work one day a week. She comes to us now so she can play at Grandmas.
My Husband objects. He has now retired and wants us to spend the extra time together, with no kids. He is awful to the little one, ignoring her and rolling his eyes or huffing off elsewhere. Its almost as if he is jealous of her. My daughter is very concerned as she senses he doesn't want my family around. I have tried to talk to him, reassuring him that they won't come between us but he storms off refusing to discuss. On the very rare occasions his daughter, son in law and grandchildren visit I make a huge effort to make them welcome, preparing a lovely meal and doing all the clearing up so that husband can spend quality time with his family. I ask him why should his reaction be different towards my granddaughter from MY reaction towards HIS? He said he doesn't see his as often, and they are older. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions as this is making me very unhappy.

TwiceAsNice Fri 14-Aug-20 09:42:14

I would be telling him if he cant be nice to my grandchildren he can leave . If he rarely sees his own children and doesn’t care the writing was on the wall!

seacliff Fri 14-Aug-20 09:49:04

Sounds like he is jealous, and pretty horrible. Some men just don't like small children, sometimes it's different if it's their own. I would tell him firmly that your grand children are an essential part of your life and that is non negotiable, especially as 1 day a week is not excessive.

One option would be to look after them at your daughters again, so there is no atmosphere. Or you could compromise and say that every other week you will have them at yours, and you want him to make himself scarce then, as he cannot behave kindly. Surely he could go out/down the shed etc.

Illte Fri 14-Aug-20 09:55:57

If you've got enough room he can just take himself off and play on the computer. Or go off for the day and birdwatch or something That's what my other half does. He finds small children very trying. But is very good with teenagers. 🙂

Or is it that you want him to be there and join in and appreciate her? That's not going to happen 😬

Chewbacca Fri 14-Aug-20 09:56:51

What an awful situation to be in. In essence, you're being forced to choose between your husband and your little granddaughter aren't you? And I'm wondering what kind of man would want you to do that? I'm afraid that his behaviour over this issue would colour my feelings and opinion of him on other levels too.

Beanie654321 Fri 14-Aug-20 09:56:55

Whose the child? If he doesn't like it he can either lump it or go out for the day on his own. It is absolutely disgraceful behaviour towards a vulnerable child. He needs to grow up. Good luck.

PetitFromage Fri 14-Aug-20 10:09:33

He sounds like an extremely selfish, unkind, unpleasant and controlling man, who cares nothing for your happiness, only his own. Frankly, I would end the marriage.

Orangerose Fri 14-Aug-20 10:15:18

He sounds selfish and self centred. I would tell him to go out or get out. Disgusting behaviour towards a little two year old. He should be ashamed of himself.

CreamTeas Fri 14-Aug-20 10:24:22

Thank you SO much for your comments, I feel as though i’m not going mad after all and that this behaviour is wrong.

Madgran77 Fri 14-Aug-20 11:20:58

The behaviour is very wrong. I think you have two options:

1. Tell him that you wish to look after YOUR granddaughter 1 day a week, in YOUR home. If he is unhappy about that then he can remove himself elsewhere , go out for the day or whatever suits him. But the looking after in your house is non negotiable so it's up to him what he chooses to do

2 . You can "pacify" him by looking after your granddaughter at her own house, leaving him on his own all day.

I would lay bets that:

a) If you choose "1", he will huff, puff, create an atmosphere, create problems for you with the little girl and generally spoil your time with her so if you choose that option you need to think about the next step too

b) If you choose option "2" you will have a nice day with your granddaughter but will then face sulks, huff and puff, niggles about not being able to do things on the day you are not there etc etc ...resulting in you feeling tense and worried even as you enjoy your day with your granddaughter

If I am wrong, please ignore me!

If I am not then I think that the problem for you is much bigger than this dilemma re looking after your grandchild. Think about your life, your relationship and his behaviours and the impact on you and your behaviours. Try to be "deep down" honest with yourself. Do you have a trusted friend you can discuss it with? Would you find a counsellor who is neutral helpful to talk to?

I am sorry that you are having this difficulty, at whatever level it is at. flowers

Jayt Fri 14-Aug-20 11:26:54

I wouldn't want to live with a man who can't be kind to children. He would have been gone from my life in a flash!

Katyj Fri 14-Aug-20 11:36:15

What an unpleasant man. Has he always been like this or is it recent ? I would be telling him to disappear and not come back until he grows a pair !

eazybee Fri 14-Aug-20 12:06:56

He probably is jealous^ and that does not bode well.

Obviously at the moment you can not be doing lots of things together, but is it likely you will pack every minute with shared activities you both enjoy in the future, or go off frequently for holidays and travel? What plans does he have for your retirement?

Or is it just that he does not want the peace of the home you share disturbed, and his freedom to do as he pleases now he is retired limited?
Difficult decisions to be made when he acknowledges the reason for his behaviour, and some serious talking.

CreamTeas Fri 14-Aug-20 12:32:58

I suppose I didn’t realise how he would be with the children. I’ve gone from being really upset to being quite angry. I am trying to understand that maybe he’s had a bad experience in the past, but this is NOW, and it’s important to me that my family stay close. These posts are great for clarifying my thoughts- thank you everyone who’s answered.

Tweedle24 Fri 14-Aug-20 12:58:14

Whilst I agree with the other posters that his behaviour towards your little granddaughter is unacceptable, I wonder if there is a little more to this.

You say he wants the two of you to spend more time together and that is understandable. Did you discuss caring for the little one with him or did it just happen? Maybe he feels you have ignored his wishes and do not want to spend time alone with him? He probably visualised having you to himself now he has retired and suddenly there is a commitment that stops that. I know that is not exactly rational but, then sometimes people aren’t.

BlueBelle Fri 14-Aug-20 13:08:24

I m afraid I wouldn’t even want to be near a man like that
I m angry for you how dare he act like that towards your small granddaughter
ONE day a week ....and he objects Well he can put it in his pipe and smoke it, I d go to the daughters house ti look after the little one she shouldn’t hav3 to see his huffing and puffing and eye rolling just leave him on his own for the day and if he doesn’t like it tough
Silly jealous little man

Curlywhirly Fri 14-Aug-20 15:41:02

Disgraceful behaviour from your husband; for an adult to be cold and dismissive to an innocent child is unforgiveable and he needs to be told that. It is not you who is putting your relationship at risk - it is him! No man would ever come between me and my children/grandchildren. He needs to grow up and change his attitude, it sounds to me that he really doesn't deserve you. And just remember - you are not doing anything wrong, but he most definitely is.

PinkCakes Fri 14-Aug-20 22:17:32

What a miserable and selfish man you've got. You have your little GC one day a week and he's petulant about that? If it were my husband, I'd tell him to clear off out for the day if he doesn't like having a child there.

SuzieHi Fri 14-Aug-20 22:33:34

Carry on having your granddaughter at your home whenever you want to. Make sure husband knows when she’s coming and suggest he goes out if he’s not happy to welcome her. If he refuses to comply, consider taking her out for the day or go to her house - and ignore him. He’s being very unreasonable

CocoPops Sat 15-Aug-20 07:25:12

If I were you I would show him the treplies here.

BlueBelle Sat 15-Aug-20 07:59:00

cocopops I d show him the door

TerriBull Sat 15-Aug-20 08:13:04

I would also ask him to go out for the day if he can't even try to be nice around a small child. Tell him to go out and contemplate the fact that from your point of view this is a deal breaker. Existing families come as a package you can't be expected to abandon them because he doesn't like the closeness you have, maybe he doesn't have that with his own family, but that's not your problem. Don't apologise for the way you are or capitulate to how he would like things to be. What you have is too precious for that.

TerriBull Sat 15-Aug-20 08:16:58

I would also tell him I don't like this side of his character one little bit!

Dibbydod Sat 15-Aug-20 08:35:20

If you had your little granddaughter every day then I could understand that he wants you both to spend your retirement together, but for just one day a week his attitude is plain awful . Tell him to go out for the day so he doesn’t have to inflict his behaviour on you , which is disgraceful by the way . I personally wouldn’t want a man in my life like him , it’s no wonder he very rarely sees his own family , that in itself tells you everything...

Grannynannywanny Sat 15-Aug-20 08:49:03

He has children and grandchildren he seldom sees although they live quite close

CreamTeas that suggests to me that he has a track record for this sort of behaviour. It shouldn’t be an inconvenience for him while you have your little gd one day a week. If he can’t behave like a mature adult in her company then tell him to clear off for the day.

This time with your gd is way too precious to let him spoil it. I wouldn’t want my gd in his company as she will sense his obnoxious behaviour and not enjoy her special time at your house. You shouldn’t have to go to your daughter’s to avoid his petulant controlling behaviour.