My husband is very hostile towards my grandchildren

I reported susantrubey too didn’t like that comment AT ALL

Since my dear husband died 4 years ago I have felt very lonely and joined a couple of dating sites.

Having read the comments here the last thing I would do is marry again.

susantrubey, you are a very nasty bitter and twisted woman.
Please leave Gransnet as we don't want people like you on here. Push offf!

If I said to the OP what I think of her husband it would be insulting so I'll keep it to myself other than to say if mine was like that his backside would be out of there straight away.

Janeainsworth I have reported Susantrubey to GN.

susantrubey I haven’t seen you on Gransnet before, but I just want to say that your comment, with your personal attack on the OP, disgusts me.

susantruby telling a poster they are disgusting is not on
That’s a very cruel post and says more about you than the original poster

Your comment must have made the OP feel so much better susantrubey not helpful at all.

I think creamteas has left the discussion now but my advice would be to sit down and have a calm and honest discussion with her husband. There must be some middle ground here to keep things on an even keel. If there is no compromise then he should take himself off somewhere whilst the family visits. We make assumptions with subsequent relationships that perhaps we should have clarified.

There is little left to say.
What stands out to me is that you only have your GC one day a week. H wants all your time then - or at least he wants to decide what you can or can't do. Is your life so busy that one day interferes.
He's nasty and controlling

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I’m afraid if I was in your position, his behaviour would have poured cold water on any loving feelings I would have had towards him, unfortunately this is about his character, not something that he can change, for me it would be the beginning of the end, my grandchildren are so precious to me. My father was once nasty towards my grandson, because he got upset and Quietly cried ... only three years old , it brought back bad memories of my childhood, I’ve not really been able to see him in a better light ever since, and now he has died I don’t believe that’s going to change.

I'm so sorry your going through this, I am experiencing similar issues, this is the time in past relationships I would normally leave. Unfortunately my husband has medical issues so I feel I have obligations to be there for him. I go to my grandchildren and make a day of it, I don't allow his negativity to control my relationships with my family. I will always ask if he wants to go with me so he can't hold it over me that I didn't include him. He actually has tagged along a few times. He doesn't have a relationship with his children or grandchildren but that's his choice. I will get back to traveling with my family, I have been told I can't travel.

My first post on here but I just wanted to say how helpful this thread has been to me. I am in a very similar situation. My second husband has no children of his own but I have 3 children and now have 6 young grandchildren. Long story short. Last week my OH shouted at my 5 yr old gs so loudly and aggressively for splashing him from the paddling pool at a family gathering that they all were totally shocked and it broke up the party. Not the first time but one of the worst. I can now see that this is controlling behaviour as he knows that I wanted this gs and his brother to come and visit us. Of course he won’t want to come now. Anyway sorry for hijacking but the advice on here has just clarified things for me

Doesn’t he have any hobbies or a man shed to go to? If you are his sole source of company, he needs to find additional interests that don’t include your attendance. Then he wouldn’t feel so jealous and resentful of your granddaughter.
Continue looking after her and seeing your family but also ensure you keep friendships with your girlfriends. It’d be so easy to be monopolised by him. That’s probably what he wants, an exclusive companion but it’s not healthy to live like that.

Best to speak firmly and calmly to him - it's jealousy without a doubt !! If he controls you over this - what's next !! Nope, it won't do. Maybe he was youngest in his family and has issues still to be resolved - send him to a counsellor. You just enjoy your family and get him to grow up - tough call but it's the only way !

Was he around when his own children were little, or did he split from his ex-wife and leave her to bring them up by herself? Maybe he’s one of those people who just gets stressed by small children. No matter how much we love them they can be blooming hard work in the first few years.
I’m not excusing his behaviour, just wondering if he has ever had experience with little ones around. He is being very selfish in wanting you to be there for him 24/7. Some serious talking needs to be done.

Sorry to hear of your problem, I am sure some suggestions on hear will be helpful, but this sort of thing is why I personally will not marry again. Nothing wrong with living together these days and you have more options....

So if you abide by his wishes and stopped looking after your GD then when would you see her and your daughter? Would he then object to you spending that time away from him? Do you have any friends of your own that you meet up with for coffee or whatever? Does he, or has he, made that difficult? His behaviour smacks of control and/or selfishness. He married you and knew you had a family from the start so not as this is all new and you kept him in the dark. I would be VERY wary of a man, even one who is not a fan of toddlers, who cannot put his own feelings to one side when there is a small child about. Furthermore if he loved you, really and truly, he would be happy to see YOU happy and to put you and your feelings above his own for a day. Don't give in or change your routine as I fear it will be not be the end of things he objects to you doing. Best wishes.

Well done Annie 55.

what was he like with your family before you got married? Has he changed his attitude since then?

No matter What, if my husband behaved like that towards my grandchildren he would most definitely be leaving !!!!!

That’s awful
Tell him to go out when baby is there .
Or maybe tell him to go out and not come back
Nasty nan

"Its almost as if he is jealous of her."
There's really no'almost' about it - he IS jealous. Hr resents you paying attention to someone who is not HIM.

"He has now retired and wants us to spend the extra time together, with no kids."
So does HE WANT 'us' to spend time together or does HE WANT you to dance attendance on him and fit in with his every wish of where you go and what you do? I suspect the latter.

Sorry to be so cynical, but I would expect this man is all me, me, rather than us, us, us.

This aspect of your new husband didn't show before only because he was at work whilst you cared for your GC. You were allowed to spend time he didn't want you doing your own thing. Now he wants your time - ALL of it. Your wishes are nothing to him.

I'd be reassessing being married to him. Because he's not going to change (there's a reason he doesn't see much of his own DC/DGC) and if you stay married to him, this is the rest of your life.

Actually it will probably get worse, as your daughter will rightly prioritise her children over you and will limit their exposure to his nastiness. Maybe completely. How would you feel about him driving your daughter and DGC away completely? Because if he thought he could he absolutely would.

Although most are wondering why you married this dope in the first place, that's for you alone to sort out. I'm going to suggest you go online and find a short story written by Janey Godley in Scenes for Survival. It's about a woman who had a very controlling husband, who had just died and is the story of her re-connecting with her adult son. It's brilliantly acted by Janey Godley as the Mum and Jack Lowden as her son. It's heartwarming, emotional and a strong reminder that you only get one shot at this life and don't have to spend it being controlled by anyone else.
Your husband sounds like a dinosaur. Mine was too. He was downright rude to every single person who visited me at home and yet he'd bowl in from the pub with his mates, I'd happily feed them all and clear up when they'd gone. They were good company and I was brought up to be sociable. Didn't think about it at the time.
Please, please don't waste another day of your precious life on this arrogant, selfish bully. Stick with your family, who WILL help you to be you again. Decide on the person you want to be and be her. Don't waste any more time on him. Be with your daughter and Granddaughter. I personally wouldn't give the elephant in the room the option to change. Show him the door. Soon. Good luck!

Rene72 - sorry to read your post. Hope you can enjoy what is in front of you and not waste time regretting your wasted years on your husband.. hope you ard having happy times with your family now.

cant you encourage him to join the local bowls club ,or some other club on the day your grandaughter comes.if it was me i would say to him if he cant start to act as an adult and not as a child ,he can just go away. say that acting the way he is is just childish. sounds to be he's a controlling man wanting everything his own way .tell him to get knotted...!! blooming cheek .your grandchild is with you only one day .dont change because he wants you to., stand up to bullies..