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Pandemic could damage friendships

(40 Posts)
BrandyGran Thu 27-Aug-20 16:19:03

In today's paper I read that unless we can meet up physically a friendship can slide into "someone I once knew ". I can see that happening to a friendship of 10 yrs - we met almost monthly and now the texts have dried up. I'm too proud to make the first move yet again. Anyone in the same position?

Callistemon Thu 27-Aug-20 16:27:32

Swallow your pride and pick up the phone

seacliff Thu 27-Aug-20 16:30:20

Why not suggest meeting up now? Outside, safely? 10 years is a long time to give up on, without having a try.

Lucca Thu 27-Aug-20 16:31:22

I think friendships will pick up again if the pandemic ever ends ! I don’t understand why you are too proud? If you Like the person then contact them, if not, don’t bother !

maddyone Thu 27-Aug-20 16:32:49

Get in touch. If you value the friendship you must make contact, otherwise your friend will think you’re not interested, as presumably you are thinking about her. Don’t let pride influence the outcome.

SueDonim Thu 27-Aug-20 16:35:41

I’ve read an article on that topic and I don’t agree with it. I have friends going back decades who I rarely see due to geographical constraints but we just pick up where we left off when we do meet.

Other people who I meet now and then, I don’t consider so much as friends as acquaintances.

BrandyGran Thu 27-Aug-20 17:01:21

Yes it sounds so simple-just pick up the phone but I don't understand why she can't just text me . I have taken the inititive so many times I dont feel like doing it again.Maybe I am being unfriended!

grumppa Thu 27-Aug-20 17:05:20

I don't think we're as like chimpanzees as the Professor thinks. A friend who had not been in touch with me for years contacted me during lockdown, and we just carried on where we had left off

SueDonim Thu 27-Aug-20 17:14:27

In that case, she doesn’t really sound like a friend, Brandygran so why bother?

Grumppa I draw the line at picking the nits out of my friends’ hair! grin

Marydoll Thu 27-Aug-20 17:19:56

Suedonim, we had an outbreak of nits when I was teaching and my friend and colleague had to check my hair, as I was sure I had them! 😱 She was indeed a true friend.

We haven't seen each other since March, as I was shielding, but we still message each other frequently.
However, another friend has cut me off, as I apparently didn't reply to a text, which I hadn't seen. sad

annsixty Thu 27-Aug-20 17:50:28

Another side to this .
My friend will not be seeing much at all of one of her friends because she objects so much to this person making up her own rules as to lockdown, she says she will make up her own mind as to who she sees and what she does.
She has been ferrying people around all the time.
I don't think the friendship will survive, certainly not as close as it has been.

Smileless2012 Thu 27-Aug-20 17:58:29

I've known my dearest friend for more than 30 years and during that time for several years after she'd moved away, we had no contact due to family problems she was having.

I had no idea what was going on so as far I was concerned she'd just dropped me. One day she 'phoned and I told her how hurt and angry I was at the way she'd treated me. She asked if she could come and see me and I agreed.

I can still remember what it was like when she walked into our home and we threw our arms around one another. It was wonderful and those years of no contact and all the hurt and anger just disappeared.

We are just as close as we ever were; she's the sister I never hadsmile.

annep1 Thu 27-Aug-20 18:18:55

I too feel some friendships won't survive. I've tried with some but response is lukewarm. We went to art group together and had lunch and chat after. I really enjoyed meeting up.
Perhaps we dont really have anything in common apart from art. I don't think art group will be the same after. 😕

Patsy70 Thu 27-Aug-20 18:20:00

BrandyGran if you are fond of this friend and enjoy her company just phone her and arrange to meet up. You might even ask her why she never takes the initiative, and tell her you feel hurt that she doesn't. Life is too short to allow pride to get in the way.

Calendargirl Thu 27-Aug-20 18:25:41

BrandyGran

Yes it sounds so simple-just pick up the phone but I don't understand why she can't just text me . I have taken the inititive so many times I dont feel like doing it again.Maybe I am being unfriended!

Being harsh, but yes, perhaps your friend was looking for an excuse to cool off the friendship, and lockdown has been the trigger. She could easily text you if she wanted to, and if you have taken the initiative so many times.....

LauraNorder Thu 27-Aug-20 18:29:44

Solid friendships will survive a few months of no physical contact as long as contact has been as usual on phone or internet.
I met my oldest friend when I was nine years old, she lives in Australia, we used to write occasionally then email, skype and now facetime. We see each other about every 14 years on average and pick up where we left off.
I have local friends, during lockdown we have texted or phoned and our friendship is just the same. If a friend hasn't answered a text I will pick up the phone to make sure they are okay and they'll do the same for me.
I don't understand the 'taking turns', if you feel like talking to a friend pick up the phone. I do understand your comment about pride BrandyGran, none of us want to appear to be needy but a friendship of ten years duration is worth a few more tries. Go for it.

BlueBelle Thu 27-Aug-20 18:52:13

Oh why on Earth not meet-up I ve been meeting all my close friends apart from the first few weeks of lockdown If you want to see her and enjoy her company why not pick the phone up perhaps she’s sitting thinking the same thing ‘why doesn’t she phone she can’t care very much’

What is there to be too proud about I don’t get that bit at all

Some people are organisers some people need to be organised

lemongrove Thu 27-Aug-20 18:55:22

It’s easy to meet one friend, or even two if you are careful, but harder to accommodate a group of friends, and that’s what I am missing.😩
Do text or phone your friend.

Katyj Thu 27-Aug-20 19:12:44

I was just about to start a “flakey friends“ thread when I saw this.
We have friends, a couple who we used to see every 3 or 4 weeks for days out also been on holiday with them a few times. I’ve rang for the last three times now, everything seems normal I’ve asked them to call for a coffee twice now, we haven’t seen them for 8 week . I feel bewildered so rang again today to ask if everything was okay, they just yes everything is fine, I tried to make arrangements with them to do something over the bank holiday only to be told they don’t think there doing anything, still bewildered 😕

BrandyGran Thu 27-Aug-20 19:24:07

Thanks for all your advice. I have lovely friends I meet up with weekly and groups monthly
outside. I also have friends who live abroad and as some of you say we just pick up where we left off.
I value your comments as I really couldn't discuss this hurt I feel with anyone.
I think I will let it go for now. Thx Calendargirl you GET my situation.

annep1 Thu 27-Aug-20 19:30:45

I think some friendships just run their course and with not being able to meet up, perhaps some people have realised there are friends they don't really miss.
I would be reluctant to keep trying. No point in a forced friendship.
Time to move on.

Katyj Thu 27-Aug-20 19:36:23

Brandy if you have other friends I would concentrate on them more and wait and see if your friend gets in touch. I understand the hurt your feeling it is very real, maybe our friends are the same as yours not really that bothered anymore.

annep1 Thu 27-Aug-20 19:43:06

Smileless what a really lovely story.

ValerieF Fri 28-Aug-20 19:11:57

BrandyGran understand exactly where you are coming from. When you are the person who has to forge a friendship you start wondering why the other person doesn't ever instigate communication?

I once had a fabulous friend and we spent lots of happy times together. I looked after her dogs whenever she went away, house sat when she went to Canada. We went out often but all when I organised it. She was a massive person in my life but over the years I started noticing she only ever responded to my texts/emails, never contacted first and wondered what would happen if I didn't contact her? So, I didn't and ..she didn't. I thought well surely if she thought of me as I thought of her, she would contact even just to wonder where/how I was? No, she didn't. I thought that maybe she just didn't think so much of our friendship as I did so let it go..

Years passed and recently met up with another friend of ours who had met up with her also and she said to her "I don't know what happened to Val, we used to be such great friends but she stopped contacting me!". I was speechless as I didn't know what stopped HER from contacting ME!

So bottom line is you never know why people don't initiate contact. Sometimes though, you feel it is so one sided, you start to wonder if you are not really welcome? Maybe contact her and tell her how you feel? Which I didn't do.

PinkCakes Fri 28-Aug-20 19:52:17

Why don't you simply ring your friend(s)?

I've been meeting up with 4 friends, every couple of weeks - garden to begin with, then park, but now out for lunch (not all 4 friends together)