Unwanted Gift

You son seems very inconsiderate and bullish towards you. Don't let him harangue you in thus was it is totally unacceptable. You were pleased with the cushion and liked it but found you could not use it, nothing wrong with that. Your son is aware of the space you live in and should have taken that into account. You mention his ex wives, so more than one, perhaps his attitude is to blame. Your gift to do what you like with it. Don't lose sleep over it, you are in the right and sound like a lovely kind caring person.

I think if you have said your piece and he still keeps haranguing you, Alexa, you really need to have a firm, "You have said how you feel, I've listened and now I need to drop the discussion," response up your sleeve. If your son can't accept your desire to stop the conversation then that lacks respect.
Maybe you could ask him for a self-assertive class for your next Birthday or Christmas.

Absolutely, dogsmother, I will get this list made asap.

I'm afraid the son seems very controlling to me, evidenced by his attitude over the cushion and also the grass rake. When you don't respond in the way he feels is appropriate, he becomes overbearing.

Plenty of good suggestions for alternative gifts on here, vouchers, flowers, chocs, meals out - all good ideas. If you live in a small house, you're not going to need more 'stuff'.

Tell him...

Alexa, you sound like such a lovely lady. You really shouldn’t be worrying about being a good mother as you plainly are.
But you’re son is being less than thoughtful to you.
My suggestion is simply to ask in future for any gifts to be of time, but, unless it’s a problem outside, a dinner date or a trip somewhere. Afternoon tea is nice. Then explain the cause of your consternation. I’d get in quick before he starts his Christmas shopping though!!

Hi,

Firstly, from what you've said here, I understand that you did not dislike this gift but merely don't have space/use for it, which i believe you've explained to your son, politely without any hint of malice.

I appreciate that you don't wish to offend your ex-daughter-in-law and i believe that if you were to contact her directly and explain the situation but reiterate that you are truly grateful for her generosity, she should understand your predicament and happily exchange the cushion for something more appropriate.

You intimate that your son has at least two ex-wives and I'm not surprised if he spoke to them the way he belittled you. I don't believe that he really knows anything about how the gift giver would feel about your inability to find a use for this gift, which is why I suggest you contact her directly.

The issue with the grass rake feels as though he knows that you either have no grass or already have a grass rake and that he wants you to tell him to keep it himself. It seems that he is very argumentative and even by telling him that you don't want any further gifts he's likely to ignore you. I think your best course of action is to just tell him that you don't feel you can accept anything unless it's something you've specifically told him you need or would like.

Haranguing is a form of bullying.
Unacceptable in anyone.
Perhaps this is how he spoke to his wives as your reaction reminds him of them.
Own your own feelings.
'When you said this to me, I felt ...........'
Or, 'As you are speaking to me, I feel...... I am going to leave this conversation now as I am u
uncomfortable'

Saggi, if my son has a problem I do wish I could help him with it if I possibly can.

Naninka, my sons and I have to work as a team, so that solution is not possible, otherwise good idea.

I wouldn’t have anybody harangue me for 2 hours about any subject ! Especially my son who can’t choose a wife without 2 or 3 attempts. If anyone has a problem it’s him....

agree. put the cushion under your bed, or on it. these people are looking for a fight. it makes them feel superior. then in October tell your son you do not need a christmas present but a gift card to the local groceries will let you buy foods you don't buy very often because they are expensive. or if you drink, wine. I am 60 and have told all my children that I only want consumable gifts now because my house is full. As for the 2 hours stuff - I understand. It is about venting on their part. makes them feel superior. so, next time, try changing the subject. offering tea and biscuits, telling him you have a doctor appointment in 30 minutes and have to go. or if you invited him over, tell him ahead of time that you are meeting up with a friend at x 0'clock. that will put a short interaction timeline. Unfortunately, mothers/sons/daughters gets a bit yucky at times when you get older. good luck.

It's people that matter, not things.
Work with your son to find solutions. I find agreeing with people then doing my own thing is the best way to go.
Been doing it all my life!! ?

Family.... we love them and despair of them in equal measure!
My husband says if it's an object causing problems (or something lost, stolen, etc) then why sweat it?
Its p

how about him giving you what you need, and deserve:
respect, a calm supportive atmosphere, consideration.

I think after 2 hours I would have smothered him with the cushion.

The matter of the cushion is that my son places a lot of importance on gift giving and my appreciating his gifts, as he said, he thinks about what to buy for me. I fear that my son craves appreciation more than I have been giving him, and that is what I meant by being a good mother, giving him what he needs.

Icanhandthemback wrote:"You seem to be taking this as a personal slight when, in fact, it is a practicality issue. I am sorry you are hurt by my actions but absolutely no malice was intended. The fact I have found that I have no use for this is not because I don't like it and I think you have wonderful taste. I have just reached a time in my life where I want to go for ease rather than managing other people's expectations so please don't feel offended."

That is exactly how my life is, just as you describe, and what I tried to explain to him. His response was I should immediately have said I did not like it and he told me a polite way to say so, then his dear friend his ex wife, could have returned it, but now it was too late and she did not have a receipt.
I agreed with him on principle, I did admire the cushion when I unwrapped it and said I liked it very much. The next day I realised there was no place in my life for it. |Also that my hiding the cushion in a cupboard was an insult to his ex wife whom he loves and who had been so kind as to give me a nice present.

My son has a lot in common with two ex-wives especially, although he is also a generally friendly and popular person. I like all his wives , which is very fortunate for me!

I have a niece like your son who can go on for 2 hours, and she is a know-all too. He sounds spoilt too. Personally I either give my unwanted gifts to charity or I re-gift them.

I've said for many years I don't want any presents that gather dust.
I like something to drink (wine or gin, depending on budget), nice handcream or a gift voucher (garden centre, M&S, TKMaxx).
I certainly don't want "stuff"!

I see this "sensitive" behaviour as bullying.
It means everything ends up being about the person who gets upset.

Hopefully, that's the last time you'll receive a cushion from them. Your son's behaviour is unacceptable and odd. I have had presents rejected outright by my mother (and grandmother and son for that matter). I just bite my tongue and keep my feelings to myself out of parental respect. No point making a big issue out of it.

I think these more going on here..its not just about the cushion.....

putting the cushion on your bed sounds a good idea.

Otherwise recycle it....give it to someone else as a present.....I do this all the time.

Not a problem really. It`s good for the environment isn't it?

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Hi everybody has anybody noticed or is it just me that is seeing face mask all over the floor from just in the street to outside shopping centres do these people who do this always have spare ones with them and money to burn because they are not cheapp

Alexa I guess you might have given up reading by now! However, icanhandthemback has the right idea, I think, that his feelings are hurt because he actually chose the cushion. Your post worries me because, although I might have got completely the wrong idea, your son sounds manipulative and you are vulnerable. Also I really can't imagine why any woman would spend much time with an ex, especially if there are no children, which you haven't mentioned. Is that manipulative too? Anyway, to get to the point, I tread on eggshells a bit with one of my AC who is also sensitive and very caring, so I do understand. However, there are occasions when a line is crossed and I have to say 'that's enough'. Because I so very rarely do it and it shows I'm upset, it always illicits an immediate apology. Do you think this might work with your son?