Being bullied by close family - how did you put a stop to it?

I'm sorry to hear that Plertie.

GillT57 yep, love that comment. Hard when it’s my DIL ranting obscenities at me, her MIL. I’m beginning to think she’s a narcissist and very mentally unstable. I’m at my wits end sadly

Sorry: where on earth did that come from?
How do I delete it?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

A big fat NO. Waste of time and effort. People don’t change, certainly not over a certain age.

I got married to a man who could shut his mother-in-law up.

My sister did so too.

If you are physically or mentally weaker you will not stop a bully, it’s no different in the schoolyard, if you or someone else stands up to the bully and make them fear you, it will stop. If you are a partner who is being abused you either need to be protected or you should leave.
The bully must understand the consequences of hurting you, mentally or physically if needed

My SIL. She almost ruined my grandsons Christening by getting her family and my mother to boycott it. But it was just another in a long line of events that she had to control.

That was the final straw for me. I have no contact with her or my brother's side of the family anymore. That was probably her aim anyway.

My sister does this at times. I sometimes return the volley and she doesnt speak for two months. Creeps back. Never says sorry, as I do. Shes very much in our late fathers mould.
Generally, I say ,dont go there, you wont win, and she backs off. Am amazed Starblaze tried so much. Kudos to you. I had horrendous childhood. Never talk about it. I know my own worth.lol.. so I think it how we deal with stuff. I wouldn't give my late parents any control over me, from the age of four. The age I considered myself to be of independent thought. Although I didn't realise it at the time. As a mother myself, I did a lot of psychology courses before motherhood. I feel its finally working out for me. Watch this space.

Saying you will not engage if you're being shouted at, and either walking away or ending a 'phone call is the best way forward Ramblingrose.

Hopefully she'll realise that she wont be listened too if she carries on in this way and adopt a calmer and mature approach. If not, at least you can avoid her verbal bullying.

Ramblingrose I also find that I am an easy target. I'm a very patient person and I will try to explain for far too long. Eventually I just stop speaking to that person at all. Then they are angry with me for that which is silly because, if explaining, apologising and attempting to make the situation better doesn't work, what realistically are you left with?

You can't become a carbon copy of other people or morph into whatever it is they think you should be... You are you.

You can't just bite your tongue and not tell people what bothers you but with some people that just gives them ammunition against you.

Relationships are compromise, 50/50, neither one more important.

Those are the relationships that work.

I was talking about walking away from the situation when it happens; turning to talk to someone else, leaving the room, going for a walk - and continuing as normal when you next have contact with the person, whether after 5 minutes or 5 hours

Makes sense Monica

Although the above situations are far more serious, remember the tactic used to deal with a toddler's tantrum; there is no show without an audience. Don't be that audience. People look and sound very silly shouting in an empty room.

yes, i think it's a mistake to name the behaviour, even if it is unacceptable.
let your actions speak for you.
turn, walk away, or end call, switch off phone.
better not to engage at all at such times.
good luck.

Personally, I wouldn't say a word - just put the phone down - and go for a good long walk with the phone switched off so they cannot ring you back.

These replies have been very helpful, than you.

It is very sad when you have to deal with irrational and nasty people. I am a sensitive soul, alas, and they try to take advantage of that.

As estrangement is not an option here I will take the advice of eazybee and M0nica and others to remove oneself from the situation immediately.

I can tell the bully that their behaviour is unacceptable and that I am willing to discuss the matter when they stop shouting/threatening me. If the shouting etc continues, then I can put the phone down.

By blocking the opportunity for the bullying to continue it also shows them and myself that I have some power and I will use it.

A practiced bully has a way of getting under your skin and they're simply doing it for entertainment value. After upsetting people they walk away unscathed as it's just a game to them.
I experienced this from my ex-father-in-law; he would provoke arguments deliberately, which he always had to win. He was estranged from his brothers, contributed to the breakdown of his children's marriages, both of whom subsequently remarried and moved away from his influence, and ultimately spoiled his career.
There is little to be done to counteract this behaviour other than to remove oneself from it, because these people are unable to recognise their compulsion to destroy.

Let me be clear, I was not, absolutely not, suggesting estrangement. I was talking about walking away from the situation when it happens; turning to talk to someone else, leaving the room, going for a walk - and continuing as normal when you next have contact with the person, whether after 5 minutes or 5 hours.

A bully - and these people are bullies - feed on the rich nourishment of other people's response, whether that person is being upset, trying to be sweetly reasonable, writing things down or best of all knuckling down and doing what the bully wants.

The one thing bullies really hate is being ignored. If nobody takes any notice of them, their behaviour ends up being utterly pointless and looking rather silly.

The problem is most putative victims simply cannot resist having their say, and this thread has shown that again and again, but it will not work. You can't lose weight by eating cream cakes and when you respond to bullying, that is what you are trying to do.

My DD is always, always, the victim. I was a dreadful mother who left her to cope with a jealous spiteful father on her own. I married someone twenty years my senior and discovered to my horror the man I thought would work with me to build a good life had very different ideas. He thought his wife would be waiting on his return each evening to place his meal on the table. Trying to be reasonable never worked because he was an individual who turned every situation to his advantage or into a row. He disapproved of my working and had no concept of what being a husband and father entailed. Once I understood how aimless life was to be with him, I refused to verbally engage. My D on the other hand, and like him, argues about everything which serves no useful purpose at all. The saddest thing for me is she is married to a similar individual who thinks going out to work, driving a lorry four nights a week, absolves him from anything on the domestic/family front. My D has been the main breadwinner for almost twenty years, she has two children runs a business as well as having a full-time job. Her H is moody and sulks, and is to my mind lazy, what I cannot bear is what this does to her and her constantly trying to placate him. Rather than telling him to go to blazes.

I can't go into detail but the projects require administrative skills and the ability to understand legislation and joint decisions are needed from time to time

...very unintelligent, stubborn and incapable of seeing the bigger picture

Regarding the "bigger picture" perhaps presenting different scenarios of the consequences of whatever the "bully" is demanding might be a way forward? And maybe writing them down for consideration if shouting is happening? As in "I will not tolerate being shouted at. I will write down the options and the consequences of those options and give them to you tomorrow. Then we can discuss them" And then walk out! If the shouting starts again when you present the papers , walk out again stating that you will not be shouted out. ie refuse to engage and come to agreement until this behaviour stops.

Regarding understanding legislation, maybe the same tactic, written down detail of the legislation highlighting the relevant bits and pointing out the possible consequences of not following legislation?

As a general point, having something written down for consideration and each person having a copy, can help in these type of discussion when there are bullies involved. Removal as soon as behaviour is inappropriate is also a very good and necessary tactic to block the behaviour too. Presumably if they need your agreement as part of a decision then they won't like the consequence of you refusing to engage as it will hold things up??

Sorry you are dealing with all this, it must be hard and somewhat demoralising

Looking at the family dynamics dispassionately helps me deal with them

A wise approach Grandmabatty

Looking at the family dynamics dispassionately helps me deal with them.

Exactly so Grandmabatty, that's the healthiest way of dealing with them; almost as though you're an onlooker to someone else's mayhem. Dispassionate is the prefect word to describe it! No drama, no beating yourself up or analysis of the mechanics of it all; you're just focussing on what needs to be done next and then you'll be done. You deserve this ??

Chewbaca thank you. My mother has never apologised for her (often) bad behaviour although she is aware she is behaving badly and has done so for many years now. It took til I was 60 and a house move away to recognise her narcissistic traits. I am the scapegoat and my brother is the golden boy which has done him no favours, believe me. Looking at the family dynamics dispassionately helps me deal with them. I love my mum but I owe her nothing. That sticks in her craw as she is desperate to control some part of my life! ☺

I agree with Monica when it comes to estrangement as I too wonder why some who have estranged, rather then embrace the life they now have, spend so much time re living the past.

You're right Chewbacca that is the best revenge for those who have hurt you, whether they're the ones you've estranged from or the ones who have estranged you.

I hope you find a way through it Ramblingrose, it sounds very much as though you have the measure of both of them and have identified their modus operandi and that's at least half way to a solution.