Can't do this marriage anymore

I have a feeling you are younger than I was ,Maddy when I literally walked out(well I took the smaller car!) of a 38 year old marriage at the age of 59.
That was 20 years ago and I have never regretted it.
My very best wishes to you.

Sleep is key isnt' it.

It is not a very nice thing to have to go through but many of us on here have done it. i.e. divorce.

As well as what people have already said, bear the timescale in mind of divorce.

i.e. actual divorce and then finance hearing.

You may well find because so much can be done online at the moment that it might even be easier than attending court in person.

Court Clerks are usually friendly and informative and you can ask them about procedures.

Don't be afraid of it. Step by step you will get there.

Finance Hearings are basically a simple process. Each sides puts lists of assets together including bank accounts (making sure they haven't stashed anything away) and then the judge comes up with an order if there is a disagreement.

You need to see a solicitor before you make any decisions. There are rooms you can rent in a shared house which includes gas, electric and water so you should not have bills as well.

First of all - a round of applause for you, Maddy, for reaching the stage where you can just say out loud, 'I can't do this any more'. To my mind, that's the first and the biggest step or at least it was for me. Yes, there's all the practical and admin things to sort now, but you can do anything once you've reached this milestone. It gives you the courage to take it further - take yourself further - further than you've ever been in your life, probably. Like me, you'll no doubt go through a lot more emotional turmoil before you're finally free of all the guilt, memories and depression; the longing for 'home' and the knowledge that you can never go back. Then you can lift your chin and be proud of yourself to reclaiming what's left of your life - and living it just for you!

Make the most of having your son there to give you strength. If in the UK you can get a free half hour with a solicitor. Even if it’s over the phone. Take your son along to write everything down. Good luck! Life’s too short, and as the younger generation say YOLO (you only live once) Chin up, get your big girl pants on and get away from him.

CAB can tell you if there is a branch of Women's Aid in your area or something similar.
this sounds a bit 'off the wall' but re-framing your situation might help in the short term. You know you are planning to leave, he doesn't. You could think in terms of 'honouring the good things you have shared (before the rot set in) by being really nice to him. It is hard to be rude and offensive to someone when they are being nice to you. Throughout the being nice period you can make proper plans for moving without panic and to your own best advantage. This puts you in control. It could conclude with a nice letter, clear, firm and not blaming or vindictive. If he has mental health issues it is important not to inflame the situation for your own (and his) safety.

You talk about your husband's mental health issues and your dread when he wakes up; are you in any danger? If you are, I think property is the least of your worries and you should seek help from a woman's shelter or the Housing Officer. Similarly, if it is coercive behaviour because people who use this in a relationship without violence may use it if they feel their power is slipping away from them.
AreYouListening, I sympathise with how you must feel but it is more about getting information to use if the other party uses stalling or evasive tactics rather than a betrayal by talking to all and sundry without addressing the situation with you.
Maddy68, there is some really good advice here (some not so good) but the best advice is to seek help from a solicitor. They will be able to tell you what the law is and I am sure they will not advise you to stay in order to ensure you don't lose any rights to the property. There are online checkers to see what benefits you are entitled to in order to live safely and it might be a good idea to discuss this with your son to see if there is a way you can share costs.
I hope that, just by making plans to start a new life, you will get the impetus you need to get you to the new life.

I think you need to remove yourself from the situation to think straight. If you can`t afford to go and book a little cottage somewhere for a week or two, then go to a women`s refuge, emotional abuse is awful and the refuges give you a chance to think clearly. then get legal advise. Your son can sort himself out, stay go etc this is about you. You could be around another 20 years, so you need to be kind to yourself.

Visit a solicitor and get information about where you stand re division of assets etc.

You’ve made a brave step making the decision, good luck it will be a massive relief I’m sure

As others have said you need to get advice before making any hasty decisions. Do look at the Citizens Advice website but better still see if you can make an appointment with your local branch (this may have to be by phone due to Covid) they will be able to do a benefit check to see what you might be entitled to if you left and you may be surprised. Have you talked to your son about your feelings, is he prepared to leave with you? Also, as others say, if the house is owned you would be entitled to half. Another thought perhaps go to mediation, Citizens Advice will Provide you with details. If you can get your husband to go too all the better but it’s not necessary. This is not marriage guidance but more to look at finances if you do separate/divorce and can be helpful. Once you have done all your investigations and talked to your son you will feel much better and more able to speak to your husband and make your decision. Good luck

No advice but wishing you strength to go forward to a happier life.

Being a cynical 'doormat' might possibly be a good move.It would obviously involve a change in how you relate to this man.
If you divorce, you will almost certainly lose a lot of your present home comforts, and maybe a widow's pension.

The relationship would be more nurse and patient than wife and husband. Not sharing a bed, or eating at the same table, but dispensing whatever reassurance and physical help he needs within reason.

My father was the only one on the deeds of my parents house, we are in England, he had a Will which left my Mother everything so it made absolutely no difference to her, I was executor of the Will so I know this is factual. Only if he had he died and not made a Will would it have made a difference. Obviously this is a different situation altogether and I would suggest she seeks immediate legal advice, though if she has contributed financially to their home I am pretty sure she will have some entitlement.

Same here Harv1.
Best thing i have EVER done.

I feel for you so much. Before you do anything make an appointment with a Solicitor specialising in family law. Many firms offer a free half hour consultation. You are entitled to assets. Do not stay and waste your life with this man x

Maddy68

I have a friend in a similar situation, her mental and physical health are suffering badly and her partner (also with mental health issues) refuses to accept that there is anything wrong. The house they live in is attached to the husbands job.
She got in touch with a domestic abuse charity and they class her situation as mental abuse. They are providing counselling, helping her try to find somewhere to live and to sort out her benefits. They have told her that if it comes to the point where she cannot stay in the house any longer they will put her in a woman's refuge until she finds somewhere to live.
Maybe worth having a chat with somewhere similar.

Maddy. you must be in emotional turmoil! You do need information about your financial rights and once you have that you will feel a little better, as you will have solid info to base your decision on.

Definitely get legal advice first. Definitely take copies of all his financial paperwork - a friend of mine went for divorce only to find that her husband was pleading poverty and had well hidden all his money -so good to have the proof (even if you never have to use it). Only after you've done this, start to look at the practicalities such as where you will live and what income you would live on. Presumably your son will move with you so you wouldn't be alone. And, from experience of a friend of mine, once you make the move it's amazing the opportunities that crop up. She told all her friends that she was looking for work, and anyone she met - it was a neighbour who put her onto a job that her son was advertising and she now works in an estate agent and absolutely loves it (a whole new career for her in her 50's). When we're contemplating a change we always focus on what we will lose because we don't yet know what we will gain - sounds like you need support and encouragement. But legal advice first.

So very sorry for your sadness and distress. It seems impossible now (perhaps that is what your husband has encouraged you to believe) but it can be done. You will survive and thrive. There is much good advice from others here about actions you can follow. Take one step at a time and you will find freedom and happiness.

Unless there are very special circumstances or dependents you won't get what you want, what you deserve, or what will let you continue your present standard of living. You'll get half of what there IS.

Pay a solicitor a little money to confirm this, don't take my unqualified opinion. But don't pay a solicitor a lot of money to fight it.

Maddy68, hi!,if I can do it after 37yrs of marriage you can too. I’m in the process of divorce and moving into council property. I’m so scared to but I’m going , you CAN DO IT ! No such WORD AS CANT . So toughen up girl there‘s an awful lot of us out there doing the same . ONE LIFE ! Don’t get another chance . I hope you get there .....?

Maddy68 Your own posting spells it out. You know exactly what you want to do. Re-read it as a disconnected party. Take heed of all the good advice from the wisdom of the Gransnetter posts. Your very literate, well composed post tells me that you are competent, capable and have lots to offer your new world. Gather your courage. Jump. You won't regret it when the dust has settled.

You are unlikely to get half of everything. I wish people would stop giving this "advice".

The court will consider the age of the parties and the length of the marriage in relation to that plus any other relevant circumstances including state of health. He is 18 years older and it is no way as simple as 50/50.

Get advice from a recommended matrimonial specialist. I was one but am now retired.

Many years ago when I left my first husband I didn’t think I could support myself, but my solicitor took me through my entitlement and helped me move on with my life.
Please don’t go on any advice from friends and relatives as they probably don’t know the current law. Make the leap and get that appointment for legal advice. You’ll be so glad you did, and you’ll find you’ll be entitled to far more than you first thought. Good luck x

Really empathise Maddy, I was in the same position 20 years ago. Luckily my husband went off with a friend so ‘he’ left but I had to sell the house and downsize and I hated leaving my lovely home. I am now my own person, a nicer one than when I was with him. I like myself now, he put me down. So it will be tough at times, being on your own growing older isn’t always great but you certainly won’t be as unhappy as you sound now so good luck! x
(I also grew very close to my son as he was totally on my side to help me)