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Can't do this marriage anymore

(80 Posts)
Maddy68 Wed 02-Sep-20 15:23:30

I need some wisdom here...I have tried my best for the past fifteen years but I can't do this anymore. My husband is not the person I thought he was and as Covid has gone on, I can no longer remain in this relationship for the sake of my own sanity and health (I am his fourth wife). I am so sad that I wasted my time on him. It was and is only about him to the point where I am terribly depressed, can't sleep and actually dread his waking up and coming downstairs; it makes my stomach hurt to be around him I resent him so much. He didn't keep any of his promises that he made when he retired (he has mental issues and health issues) and seems to think I exist only to serve him. I have tried so hard and am terrified to make a change at this age and stage of life with everything going on in the world; life is so hard right now for everyone! But I am losing myself horribly in all this at this point and have to make a change now, not later. My son moved back home due to job loss and if it weren't for him and Covid I would have already left I think. It is complicated, my husband is 18 years older than me and he is not my son's father. It would be me that has to leave and go somewhere else I think. I don't really have anywhere else to go and have been mostly a housewife this past decade. It is all so hard and horribly disappointing. I feel so used and taken advantage of as well as just plain stupid that I couldn't see what this relationship was really about. I am not a doormat! I have to pick myself up and move on but am so scared I just don't have it in me at this point. I go round and round with this. I am so unhappy at this point I don't think I am even afraid to be alone anymore, just afraid I won't be able to support myself.

grannypiper Wed 02-Sep-20 16:00:51

Oh Maddy, bless you. You really must leave but not until you have somewhere to go to. Please get all of your admin in check, all of the bank, insurance, pension, mortgage/rent you paperwork. Remember you are half of this marriage, therefore entitled to your share. If your house is rented divorce will be pretty straight forward, see a solicitor for advice but remember you can save £1000's by taking ppaperwork to the court yourself or use quickie divorce . com.
Life is short, make plans to go and enjoy the peace, it is glorious flowers

welbeck Wed 02-Sep-20 16:07:36

look up advice forums, also moneysavingexpert, where you can get useful insights from others who have been through it.
do not move out until you take advice.
get as much information, take photos if poss, of documents relating to all husband's, and joint assets, inc his pensions.
don't tell him your intentions until you have taken professional advice.
and do't do so much for him. stop colluding in being used as a servant. don't be rude, just vague, distant.
good luck.

kircubbin2000 Wed 02-Sep-20 16:09:32

It will be such a relief when you escape.

EllanVannin Wed 02-Sep-20 16:11:36

Do you know if he has a Will ? Only if your name is on the deeds can you claim half the property, otherwise I'd start looking for alternate accommodation. Depending on your finances/ circumstances you could contact a housing association and see if they can help in any way. Most of them are online and have lists of vacancies.

Get cracking as soon as you can and get yourself and son sorted out. The sooner you make a move, the better.

Septimia Wed 02-Sep-20 16:20:31

The fact that you're his fourth wife tells you something.

Start to plan how you might cope and put things in place, following the advice others have given. You may well feel better for doing that and it will help you to take the next steps.

welbeck Wed 02-Sep-20 16:20:32

that is not the law in england, re title deeds.
if the house was the matrimonial home it is part of the joint assets of the marriage.
a judge with make a financial settlement, taking into account all the circumstances, including the respective needs of the parties.
that is the essence of marriage, why it is different from co-habiting where names on deeds are relevant.

sodapop Wed 02-Sep-20 16:21:02

So sorry you feel like this Maddy it's horrible feeling trapped.
Lots of good advice on here, don't leave until you have finances etc sorted. As Welbeck said get some professional advice and take things from there. Better to be content alone than in a miserable marriage. Good luck.

BlueBelle Wed 02-Sep-20 16:26:11

Can you and your son share somewhere?
I agree with everyone else you cannot waste more time at our ages if it’s done and over and it’s certainly sounds as if it’s totally dead in the water then make all your plans, get everything in place before you make your move known If it’s complex see a solicitor
If this situation is as unhappy to you as it sounds you will need to get out sooner rather than later but make your plans carefully

grandtanteJE65 Wed 02-Sep-20 16:28:09

You have made up your mind, so now it is the practical side of things you need to see to.

Do get legal advice or at the very least get yourself down to CAB.

Do you have your own bank accounts? If not, see to that first.

Could you and your son perhaps find a house or flat you could share, living in each your own half, for the time being?

SueDonim Wed 02-Sep-20 16:44:57

I agree that now is the time to get all your ducks in a row, Maddy68 and start to make plans. I’m very sorry you’re in this difficult marriage but it really sounds as though it’s time to go.

If it’s any consolation, you’re not alone. Three of my internet friends have made the great escape during the pandemic and a fourth is about to go. One of them is now living in her brother’s bedroom with scarcely a penny to her name, (her vile ex lives in another country) but she says she doesn’t care, she feels so much lighter, brighter and more optimistic now the great burden of her failing marriage has been lifted.

Do please take the good advice here and start your own great escape. flowers

cupaffull Wed 02-Sep-20 17:20:33

Oh dear so sad to have come to this realisation, but you aren't alone. Before you do anything speak to your GP about the depression, just even to get some help with the sleep issues so you gain clarity of mind. If you can just get a decent nights sleep, it will help. ...Then plan your exit.

If you are able, give yourself some distance in the home, move into a spare bedroom, get all your paperwork together and take advice. I'm sure there will be plenty of helpful folk on here with relevant contacts to give you.

Don't whatever you do, vacate your home as you have a financial investment there which will help you restart in the fullness of time.
As he has 3 previous wives you will have evidence as to how he treated them in divorce so all the more reason to plan carefully, so you maximise the outcome for you.

But you need to build up your resilience first so do speak with your GP.

NotTooOld Wed 02-Sep-20 18:05:55

Get your paperwork organised first and don't move out of your home before getting legal advice. You can get one free consultation with a solicitor via the Citizens' Advice Bureau. Take a list of questions you want answered to the consultation and don't be afraid to write down the answers. Best of luck and hope you get sorted soon.

kittylester Wed 02-Sep-20 18:46:05

Most solicitors will do a free initial consultation. I went with my neice and the amount of advice she got was amazing. Sadly she went back to the bully.

FlexibleFriend Wed 02-Sep-20 19:38:45

15 years is considered a long marriage by the courts. They have a starting point of 50/50 for division of assets any deviation of this is based on need. It makes no difference whose name is on the deeds. If he has a private pension / pensions you'll get half, the same with savings and any other assets. Don't leave unless you have to, why should you it's your home too. Get all the finances sorted and try to siphon some money away into an account of your own.

BettyBoop49 Thu 03-Sep-20 09:25:32

Look for Housing 21 - they often have flats for over 60’s

Keeper1 Thu 03-Sep-20 09:27:52

it may be worth contacting local housing associations if you have no where to live due to a relationship breakup they should help you.

As others have said get all information regarding bank accounts, insurance, pensions, savings, investments also any debts and whatever you do, do not leave without advice and do not use the solicitor as a counsellor for them time is money. Take care and good luck

Sys2ad2 Thu 03-Sep-20 09:28:47

I am in the same position apart from the fact he has no money, the house is in my name and have a company pension. If he would leave he wants half the house half my pension and half any assets. He has already had half to pay failed business debts, so I feel he has already had the money. I have worked since i was 16 had a flat we bought a house mortgage up to the hilt sold moved and bought outright. I have paid the mortgage and bills all the time so I am stuck as i could not afford to live on half my pension and don't want to sell the house.

polnan Thu 03-Sep-20 09:30:38

I hear a presumption that the previous 3 (?) marriages ended in divorce, it could have been death?

that really is beside the point in my view, but I so feel for you Maddy68.

even if you have not yet made up your mind to leave, it is such good advice here for you to get your finances in order, then try and get them in the order as if you ARE going to leave, after taking GOOD legal advice, then is the time to make the decision.

I think most all of us are here for you... so please do not hesitate to come back here, pm. anyone here that you feel could support you mentally, but the finances and final decision is yours...

another thought occurs to me, and apologies if I have missed this, but have your talked to your son about this,and if so, is he "with" you?

Prayers and all good thoughts winging your way Maddy

jaylucy Thu 03-Sep-20 09:31:41

Firstly , I'd advise that you get some legal advice . Go to a solicitor that specialises in marital legalities before you make plans to move out.
If there is only a joint bank account, open your own - either by visiting a bank , if you feel comfortable to do so, or online. Maybe your son will have some suggestions about which bank to choose.
Seek advice from the CAB as to which benefits and help that you would be entitled to.
I think that your son may be able to help you, if only to back you up and give you some support so that you can look on it as moving forward together (if only temp) rather than just you on your own
The fact that you are his 4th wife makes me wonder if he has been exactly the same with the other 3 ! Butter you up first then just slump back and expect you to be his personal servant.

curlytops Thu 03-Sep-20 09:33:09

Sorry to hear how you feel.
Just a thought, why should you be the one to move out?
See a solicitor.

Coconut Thu 03-Sep-20 09:34:43

Excellent advice on here as per usual, and yes, you are fully entitled to a 50/50 split on everything. Check all your finances, get legal advice and opt for CBT rather than pills for depression, so counselling would be good to get yourself mentally strong. Def move into the spare room and get support from any friends and family who understand what you have gone thro. When it’s all over you will berate yourself for not doing it sooner ... today is the 1st day of the rest of your life 💐

Houndi Thu 03-Sep-20 09:38:25

The law sates you are entitled to half .See a solicitor now and start divorce proceedings

Jan135 Thu 03-Sep-20 09:41:44

This sounds an awful situation for you. The Courts have restructured their divorce system now and you can issue your own divorce online via the gov.uk website which is the easiest route. If you prefer to do it on paper please be aware that most Courts no longer issue divorce petitions as they are done through a small number of Divorce Centres. No need to pay for any business to do it for you. However I would get legal advice for your finances as soon as possible. As another post above said you can get free advice to start with.
Good luck and you only have one life so don’t delay

Cabbie21 Thu 03-Sep-20 09:47:09

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/
Lots of info here about finances, Benefits, property etc.
Have a read first ( this is for England, there are differences in Scotland).