Can't do this marriage anymore

Just another thing, make a will leaving anything you have to your son, a solicitor will help you word it so that it is understood to be in anticipation of leaving the relationship
When I did that I had to split the joint tenancy and they do let him know if the house is jointly owned so make sure that you have things in hand before you do it, but do do the will x

There is so much wisdom in this thread. I hope you are ok Maddy. Two weeks ago I left a marriage of 32 years that had always been emotionally abusive. I was so scared to leave, but I could see I wasn't going to live much longer if I stayed as I was suicidal and had stopped taking care of myself.

At times I have been overwhelmed with panic, guilt and misery since I left, but I am gradually getting better. Today I just felt so sad that I wasted so many years of my life with someone as mean as my ex. I could have been with someone who loved me instead and been happy, but I chose badly when young and once in the clutches of my ex I became so ground down and felt so worthless I couldn't see a way to leave.

I am really happy to read this thread and find women, who have left marriages like mine, who have thrived since. I wonder what percentage of men behave like my ex. No one would have guessed he was such a tyrant at home, he was always sociable and supportive to everyone else but me.

Maddy68

Thank you so much to everyone for all the wonderful responses, excellent suggestions and lovely support. I will be rereading your messages over this week and in the months to come as I make plans to leave and move on in my life. I appreciate it being pointed out that abuse is not always physical. I have had a hard time seeing that in the past and told myself it wasn't that bad but the cumulative effects of dealing with his problems and the way he lives his life can only be called emotionally abusive and controlling. So, I am going to take what all have said and put something into play here and will give status reports as time goes on lol. Hopefully by this time next year, God willing, I will be able to post pics of me in my new place; happy and free! Thank you to all!

Just checking that you are progessing matters and you are not being dragged further down into depression.

When OH went off the rails, he moved out after a half hour free session with a lawyer curtesy of CAB. 3 choices, legal separation, divorce or a no hassles or worry separation. When the house he was renting came up for sale, he wanted a divorce. I told him half the house and half his pension. I had the house, he had his pension. 7 years later, no divorce and he died. His house and pension became mine. Our daughters did very well and started on the property ladder. We found out after his death that most of his problems were ill health.

Get some professional advice first. You need to get all your ducks in a row and know exactly what you are entitled to financially from this marriage before taking the next step. Life is short so don't live it like this. I divorced my husband on mental cruelty grounds and although things were tough at times, bringing up 5 children on my own, the freedom from him was worth it. Put things in motion now and enjoy the rest of your life.

Oh Maddy bless you. Time to go as soon as you can. You’re entitled to so much more than you’re probably aware of. I left after almost thirty five years of marriage. He told me I couldn’t have anything because I was the one to leave. He froze our bank account. I believed him! Eventually I found a good solicitor and he pointed me in the right direction.
You really need to find somewhere affordable for you and your son to live immediately. It doesn’t have to be a palace. It’s only a temporary measure. You will realise once you have left that nothing, other than your wellbeing and self esteem matters. Leaving is initially really hard, but I promise you, it won’t be long before you realise it’s the most liberating thing you’ve ever done. Be strong and remember, you will manage and be happier than you’ve been for a long time. Stay strong. ?

I agree that it is not worth the struggle - sounds like you've done everything possible and you should leave as soon as possible, but I agree that you need to check on yur rights so you can protect your back. What does worry me is this a man who has experienced 3 broken marriages and he's reached the end of number 4 - it suggests that he hasn't learned the art of compromise and frankly he isn't going to change! Good luck!

I was in an unhappy marriage and finally escaped a year ago after 32 years. Was the very best thing I ever did even though I am now renting whilst he lives in our (no mortgage) property. I had advice from a local woman’s charity and I can tell you that the peace It brings is so worth it! Get advice, make plans and stay safe! X

So much good advice but really feel the need to say you have taken the first most difficult step now you have decided. The next stage will be a very rocky path but probably a breeze in comparison to your marriage.
You need to visually think about life 2 years from now with the peace you deserve. A good friend of mine was in a very abusive marriage and was given excellent counselling. Her divorce has recently come through and she cannot believe how relaxed she feels
Concentrate on the positives and please please get legal advice you are probably entitled to more than you think
Sending you lots of hugs in this very difficult time
You will come out of this stronger and happier.

Maddy - I have not read all the messages, so sorry if I repeat what has been said already.
I see Cabbie21 has already given you the link to Citizens Advice, here again: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/
If you are not in England, at the top of the page is a heading
"England>Family>Ending a relationship"
Click on 'England', and it will give you links to get information for Scotland, N.Ireland, Wales.
The CAB website is always my first port of call; full of helpful information and links. Your local CAB may have a list of solicitors who offer an initial consultation for free.

Your GP may be able to help with low mood/anxiety/depression. I'm in Sussex where you can self-refer on the health in mind website (NHS run). There may be the same service where you live.

There may also be self help groups in your area to support you with the more practical aspects.

All the best. Be strong!

Oh Maddy, I really feel for you. I'm in a similar situation but have now filed for a divorce using that Quickie Divorce company that someone else mentioned. I've done that because he has now become physically violent, not just verbally abusive. What makes me sad is that there seems to be some many women on this site that are our age and in the same situation. Shame we can't rent a massive house and all move in together isn't it!

When I came to the same point as you I was filled with fear
of the future and trepidation but I got through and have
never regretted it
My ex filled the children's ears with recriminations against
me and professed undying love for me, they found it hard to understand.

He had a girlfriend in under 6 months!

Two things come to mind: the first is counselling as he may not know how badly he affects you and the second is to confide in your son. Get his point of view and support. If you all live together he needs to make plans, hopefully with you. I don’t know if your husband would agree to see a counsellor but you can see one on your own. There should be a lot of guidance available from your GP too. Good luck.

From reading your initial post it’s clear that you feel completely ground down by your situation. You desperately want to get away but understandably feel very scared of going it alone.

I think the thing to keep telling yourself is that hundreds of thousands of women have escaped often horribly abusive relationships, and many of those have been women with small children.

Some have escaped very aggressive, controlling men and have had to use every ounce of ingenuity just to get out of the house.

You need to keep telling yourself that if those women with tiny children can do it, you can too!

Maybe get in the habit of getting up each morning, looking at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself “I CAN do this”

Please do your research about housing and if you wanted social housing eg from a housing association in your area, finance and check out if you can claim benefits. This will depend on your age.
Would it be possible to do some voluntary work from now say in a charity shop to get some skills and whilst doing that apply for jobs with shops locally. Many of the shops and supermarkets have web sites where they advertise vacancies. You can have access to a computer if one is not available at home by visiting your local library.
Speak to the Citizen Advice Centre about what you can claim,etc.

Oh and especially details of pensions too

When you go for your free half-hour make sure that you have all the facts written down:
Full names, dates of birth, of H and W and any children.
Date of Marriage,
details of occupations and income.
Details of home and all other assets with ££ figures if possible.
That way you can give it to the solicitor to read and he/she can make a quick assimilation of the basics and spend more time advising you than asking you questions! I am a retired solicitor and have spent up to 2 hours to root out all the facts.

@Maddy68
I am so very sorry
You are not alone.
This happened to me.
Please get help. Go online and learn about emotional abuse and how to set and keep your boundaries.
Look up your local Domestic Abuse help. In the UK phone 0808 2000 247. Emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse.

Your words "I simply can't do this any more" say it all to me. I have been there, so have thousands of other women. The men can be so cunning and appear so nice to outsiders yet are so intensely cruel to you that you become suicidal and forget who you really are.

You MUST get help. Please phone for the help you need. Find someone to whom you can talk and ideas for where to go. Even go to your GP.

Are you sure it is you who must leave? You have the right to the house, you have been cleaning it and looking after him and it is your only home. Get advice. Find out how you can get divorce advice on a low budget, look up what is available in your area try the Citizens Advice Bureau.

If you get very distressed just go to your nearest Police Station and say you can't go on any longer with your husband. Let people see how bad it is. Don't cover it up any more.
Please start making contacts with help now:
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

God bless you my love. Things will get better as soon as you take your future into your own hands. You can do it. It will be easier than trying to cope with living with him. I know. By the way, my husband was 14 years older than I, and when he eventually went, the Police found evidence he was intending to kill one of the children, the youngest. Yet nobody would have believed that possible because he made her his pet. But I knew the Police were right because he wrote to his brother "the children will be with me" and he killed himself. He was going to take them with him. I knew he was capable because he put their lives in danger several times yet got away with it and I would not have been believed.

These men are so dangerous. You may not know how far he will go, do not under estimate the extent of these controlling men. Even though he will make you think you are the crazy one. But he is the one driving you crazy. Crazy with misery and distress and fear.
Get help now PLEASE.
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

You definitely need legal advice given he had 3 previous wives. They may well have a claim on assets eg pensions unless you definitely know otherwise. Get advice before you do or say anything about leaving. Bite size chunks and go steady. You have made up your mind and that is a massive step.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I have been through something similar, but I did have a job and some income. You definitely need to find out about income, finances, assets and liabilities etc and then see a solicitor, who will then advice on your likely entitlement. 50:50 is only the starting point and not necessarily the finishing point especially as both parties needs and earnings potential are assessed. Once you know where you stand, then consider your options based on your means. Where you are going to live and what you have to live on are essential, particularly when you are over 50 , as there is less time to be able to earn any money to get back on track.
If you decide to end the marriage,you may initially have emotional turmoil, guilt, anxiety and depression. My menopause was also difficult time, but for me, the light at the end of the tunnel was brighter than the darkness in my marriage. Counselling may also help. It's also worth taking up some hobbies and outside home interests, and building or rebuilding a small network of reliable friends to support you if you leave.

Thank you so much to everyone for all the wonderful responses, excellent suggestions and lovely support. I will be rereading your messages over this week and in the months to come as I make plans to leave and move on in my life. I appreciate it being pointed out that abuse is not always physical. I have had a hard time seeing that in the past and told myself it wasn't that bad but the cumulative effects of dealing with his problems and the way he lives his life can only be called emotionally abusive and controlling. So, I am going to take what all have said and put something into play here and will give status reports as time goes on lol. Hopefully by this time next year, God willing, I will be able to post pics of me in my new place; happy and free! Thank you to all!

I’ve not had a chance to read all the posts yet, but the fact that you’re his fourth wife says a lot, I think. My ex husband is currently in his third marriage. My advice to you - having divorced after a long marriage and in my late 50s at the time - is to get legal advice (half an hour free with a solicitor) and go from there. The thought of being alone can seem overwhelming, but there are many of us on here who’ve started again late in life. It can be done. I’m coming up to the third anniversary of decree absolute and am much happier - and free. I’ve started another degree and am doing a divorce therapy and mentoring course with a view to helping/supporting women who find themselves having to start over at a late point in life. I’ve said this before, so apologies for the repetition - but life’s too short to allow yourself to be dragged down by someone whose only thoughts are for themselves. Do let us know how you get on.

Great advice from everyone I just want to add Once you have decided/gone/ and not looked back then you will be LIBERATED and JOYFUL!!! Good Luck to you dear lady.

Definitely agree with what everyone else has said, don't tell him anything and get all your finances etc in place. Take legal advice on what you are entitled to and once that is all in place take the next step. You could always rent a room in a shared house to begin with until you get on your feet, but think about yourself for a change. Life is too short to live with someone you don't care about and who treats you badly. Now is the time to go for it before you make yourself depressed and unable to cope. Good luck xx