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Back to the same old same old

(5 Posts)
ValerieF Mon 14-Sep-20 18:13:14

Doesn't sound to me that either of you are 'happy' in this relationship.

As oopsadaisy says, work out if you would rather trundle on as you are or want to make a complete break. Bricks and Mortar mean nothing if you are miserable but only you knows how unbearable it is?

You forgave him his affair but sounds like he didn't actually want you to forgive him? Err not sure what that is all about but stop the tears, think about what YOU want then with the help of a solicitor present him with the fait accompli!

Oopsadaisy4 Mon 14-Sep-20 16:16:01

So ask yourself would you be more miserable without him, than you are with him?

Buy a one bed flat, or move to a cheaper area, I assume you work, so as long as you can get into your place of work you can move anywhere.

Take a deep breath and resolve to either stop raking over the past, put it behind you and move on, or leave.

Clio51 Mon 14-Sep-20 16:01:09

Seen solicitor, so I know where I stand
We’re not married, no half pension

I’ve lived in this area 36 yrs
and now can’t even afford a 2 bed if we split !

It’s the comment
I’m struggling with after the affair and us
Then all the shit gets thrown in

Oopsadaisy4 Mon 14-Sep-20 15:38:33

Get half an hour with a decent Solicitor and find out exactly where you stand with House, Bank accounts and Pensions.

Then at least you will know and if your OH doesn’t agree or understand any of it then it’s his problem.

Once you have your ducks in a row you can decide what you want to do, stay with him and put up with his crap or get out with most of the money from the house and quite possibly half of his Private Pension. The rest of your post is all history, it’s where you are now that counts.

See a Solicitor.

Clio51 Mon 14-Sep-20 15:21:21

So very long story, it would take too long to go into
So I’ll try and condense it

Partner & I bought house together(me house him renting)
I sold mine and put my 80k straight down for deposit and so that I would have NO Mortgage, we got mortgage for 80k in both names
BUT he paid full mortgage himself.

On buying the house solicitor set up a deed of trust to protect my 80k which he said at the time
So I pay all the mortgage? Solicitor said if you want .....,, to pay half that means so will in the end owe 75% & you 25%
He didn’t want that, so signed the declaration.

So this as been a massive problem in the relationship as he thinks I’ve conned him!!
Also 4 yrs ago he had an affair of 2 yrs which I always thought something was not right but when brought up the usual thing
Your mad, what you talking about
Anyway all come to light with a bit of me looking about.

He said he wanted to give it a go again and Know it’s 4 yrs on

Don’t get me wrong we have our issues both of us
I suffer anxiety/depressio(this I think lead to affair, as I was really poorly)
He as ocd, timing of things
Getting up, breakfast dinner tea. Clothes washing twice a day(3 if us) hides his things that he bought and few other things

Anyway the other day he said as I was going back to shop for what he’d forgot
He said
Are you happy
I said I think we better sit down, as HE obviously as something to say/tell me

Basically he said
He is struggling with the affair????
I asked what he meant
He said, he’s struggling that I
Forgave him
Well this led to me crying
Saying oh your not doing this to me again, fucking my head up.
He then went on to say
Oh the tears as He’s coming home(my adult son)
Not that I am emotionally upset
He also brought up the
Deed of trust, saying I conned
Can’t see the passed him paying xxx in interest on a mortgage and if anything happens!!!!!! I get my 80k back @ extra

Doesn’t realise he was paying that 17 yrs ago in rent
Where he would get nothing from it
He also got low LTV % because of my deposit and using my name on mortgage because 17yrs ago he wouldn’t have got 80k himself
He just can’t see it

So it went from bad to worse, both of us bringing old shit up
We’re weren’t talking for 2 days, Sunday but more
Today, less I’d say
Never mentioned like normally if he’s having a day to himself
On going out, said just going a toot about

So relationship is in tatters
and he takes himself out

We’re both in our 60’s
Me 62 he 65

Another thing that’s struck me is
He’s 2 mths from government pension, he already get private pension

Just seem coincidental was he bidding his time till now ?
He very good at sweeping things under the carpet
and good at putting face on and talking more to my son

My heads in bits again and I don’t know what to do or even say