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Forgiving inlaws

(10 Posts)
Blueroocks Mon 14-Sep-20 18:48:39

at 3:46pm Edit Post Edit Quote Blueroocks Quote Post Reply Reply
Hi everyone, I'm not sure of anyone can help me move forward in relation to my inlaws. This is a very emotional topic for me. Both living in the UK, my now husband and I had a really tough start to our relationship. Very very long story short, he was forced into an arranged marriage with a girl back in Pakistan. Whilst they didnt know about me when the engagement was made, despite his parents knowing he was in love and incredibly unhappy with the arrangements they still insisted it carry on. Largely because they were concerned how it would make them look to cancel. After a lot of torment they eventually realised they had made a huge mistake and decided to support a divorce- my husband never having consumated anything. Pretty soon after this wedding, now with their support my husband forgave them. Completely. Of course i understand they are his parents and the love is very strong. They have accepted me and I get on well with them and am nothing but loving and kind to them. But deep down I am still so angry at how they treated him. And try as I might, i can't move on in my head. I hope this is a relatively unusual situation but any help or advice would be much appreciated.

janeainsworth Mon 14-Sep-20 19:04:21

I think you have to accept that his parents didn’t do this maliciously and they must have thought at the time that they were doing their best for their son.
They realised their mistake, did their best to put it right, and accepted you.
I’m not sure what else you can expect them to do.
Perhaps you need professional help to deal with your anger & feeling of being stuck.
Does your husband know how you feel? It can’t be easy for him, if he knows you secretly harbour this bitterness towards his parents.
Be grateful that you aren’t the unfortunate young woman in Pakistan that he was married to.

paddyanne Mon 14-Sep-20 20:34:29

You need to move on and forgive them ,the only person you're hurting is yourself and it might affect your relationship with your husband if you cant see a way to not only forgive but forget .They weren't doing anything wrong in their eyes or their culture ,maybe you need to accept and come to terms with that too

Chewbacca Mon 14-Sep-20 21:17:33

Agree with Paddyann. Look to the future, not the past.

Blueroocks Mon 14-Sep-20 21:19:22

Thanks both, I know you're correct- I'm only hurting my own mental health. I keep these feelings to myself. Arranged marriages are normal and accepted, forced marriages however are not, in fact they're illegal. I struggle to think of many parents who would force a grown male, in tears and close to suicide, to marry to protect their own reputation. I have the same religion and culture heritage and would never do that to my children. That's what I can't get my head around. I often forget but then occasionally the anger raises in me. But what's done is done, getting some professional help is not a bad call.

Iam64 Mon 14-Sep-20 21:25:40

Blueroocks, good to see your positive response to the idea of some professional help with the anger you feel.
I wonder if there is an on line group you could look at. You aren't alone is experiencing difficult feelings around the area of forced marriages.

NotSpaghetti Mon 14-Sep-20 21:29:51

If you can get some help that would no doubt help.

Meanwhile, please focus on your relationship with your husband as this is what matters. Anger will only destroy you. It will hurt you more than anyone else. Bring your own family up with respect and love. Know you will be a different parent and will not be forcing your own children into relationships they do not want.
Your husband's family will probably have learned from their terrible mistake and though they may not say it, probably feel deep remorse.

I hope you can move forward from here and wish you happiness in future.

Madgran77 Mon 14-Sep-20 21:31:23

Bluerocks get some counselling to help you work through your anger and move forward. Try to be grateful that they saw the error of their ways and were willing to remedy their mistakes. That is a HUGE step for them and things could have been so different flowers

Mouseybrown60 Mon 14-Sep-20 23:43:39

Hi Bluerocks
I am bumping up your question as no-one seems to have responded to your post.
I can’t really give you much advice except to say that you may probably be able to move on given enough time. Maybe it’s their attitude towards yourself that you can’t forgive, and perhaps this is why you find it hard to accept that your husband can forgive them.
Also you might feel a hidden anger that your husband didn’t fight back enough when he was forced into an arranged marriage.
If I were you I would look at this from a different point of view.
I do feel a degree of sympathy for the arranged wife, she must feel extremely rejected.
I wish you and your husband well and hope that more experienced people on here can assist you better than me.

Hithere Tue 15-Sep-20 02:55:04

Resentment is a very hard feeling to get over.
May I ask how long ago this all happened?
Time helps to heal the wounds and your ILs seem to have realized their mistake.

I agree with mouseybrown60 too.