What o you do when you no longer want to?

Pollyj - I am sorry that this is a difficulty for you at present.

I absolutely recognise that you have no sexual desire at present and that this is currently a mismatch with your OH. This does not mean that your marriage is on the rocks, or that you do not have a sound relationship. It simply means that there is a problem that you both need to find some way to solve.

There is nothing wrong with you - you are simply at an age when your hormone levels are such that your desire for sex is low or non-existent - you have done nothing wrong, and are not ill. There is no fault on either side here - it is just an unfortunate mismatch at this point in your lives.

I faced this problem with my OH (who has since died) and fully understand how hard it is and indeed how destructive it can be. It becomes impossible to show any physical affection - a hand-hold, a hug, an arm round the shoulder - without this being seen as an invitation to sex. That is very distancing. In our case it was compounded by the drugs he was taking for his PD, which are known to cause increased libido in some people. It became an obsession with him and some of the social niceties that surround a sexual relationship went out of the window from his side. I was under siege basically and had no peace from his advances. In addition, because of his illness, it was not possible to have a rational discussion with him and find some happy middle way, as would have happened had he been his former self. This was all a very difficult situation and I look back on it with much sadness. He was far from himself, and the challenge of dealing with this was enormous.

But hopefully, you are not faced with this extreme, so there is hope!

I really do think that the only way forward is for you both to set aside some time to talk about this together. Time when you are not locked in an advance/reject situation in bed. Hear his side of it; how it makes him feel when he is "rejected"; how much he understands about your side of the equation; what exactly he is asking for; whether he is able to sustain affectionate gestures from you without assuming it is a "come-on"; whether a snuggle-up in bed equates with sex for him; or can he do this without wanting more; what he might see as solutions. Then he needs to listen to you and to understand how it all makes you feel, and what exactly you do want (rather than simply do not want).

So, a starting point would be to think very hard about what you do want from him in terms of physical affection; and what exactly you feel able to give.

You need to finish up in a situation where your OH does not feel a constant sense of frustration and rejection; but where you do not feel you are being asked to do something you do not want to do at any given moment.

You need to think about about what you are able or willing to do that might relieve his frustration, and satisfy both your needs for your close relationship to continue on all fronts.

He needs to be honest - "It would help me if you could do X"; and you need to be honest about what you feel able to do.

I really do feel for you - it is so very hard when, in the context of a loving relationship with decades of shared memories and achievements, there comes a moment when things get out of kilter through no fault or either person.

You might be able to agree a period when sex is off the cards, but physical affection is not. This will give you a breathing space to gradually move towards a solution. The solution does absolutely not need to be about you "giving in" and finding yourself doing something that you do not wish to do - and I am sure he would not want this either.

There will be a way forward I am sure; but the most important thing is not to le this pull you both apart; to listen to each other with a true willingness to understand; and to totally avoid any "blame language."

You do not need counselling or medical treatments - you need communication and a willingness to try and look at this in the same way as all the other problems that you will have had to solve during your marriage. A joint approach with respect on either side.

I truly wish you lots of good luck with this shared challenge and hope you find the solution that is right for you both.

Healthy people don't pressure anyone to have sex- Period- They don't make people feel guilty for refusing or not being in the mood- They work together on the issue-

When a man suffers from erectile dysfunction, his partner is encouraged to:

Learn as much as you can about ED. ...
Let him know how much you value him. ...
Talk about how you feel. ...
Stay positive. ...
Adjust your sex life. ...
Offer to go with him to the doctor. ...
Remind him to let his doctor know how he's doing. ...
Keep up the other intimate parts of your relationship

When women experience loss of libido due to menopause?

Lubricate. ...
Bolster your body with pillows. ...
Try sex doggie-style. ...
Woman on top. ...
On your sides ..

In other words, treat erectile dysfunction with kindness and support- But treat menopausal loss of libido .. with lube and sex ..

Pollyj. Isn't marriage a compromise, so if you are not willing right now, then I do not see why H cannot sort himself out. H needs to be understanding and thoughtful.. Marriage isn't just about his needs. That's very selfish. Stick to your feelings, and if he cannot or will not support you right now. Ditch him, he will get over it

Okay, my first reply to anything in here.
I have been on the other side of this problem for many years. My wife and I think we perhaps last had penetrative sex about 10 years ago (we are 57/58).
I cannot tell you how painful this has been for us both.

Yes, of course it is possible to stay married without sex being part of that marriage. But you might have to accept that it exists outside your marriage. Some women and men will be afraid and disgusted by that but its still the truth.
And yes of course it doesnt have to involve any counselling. But just talking will not resolve this, you will have to listen as well. And accept each others position. Then there will be getting over the hurt this will trigger. And beyond that stage if your marriage survives it you will need to find a way that you can stay together that suits you both. If there is no solution unacceptable to either half thats when you have to reconsider the relationship (marriage). Its a possible outcome.
Thats counselling DIY in a nutshell. If you are strong enough to do that entire journey, without emotions getting in the way of communications and without ShouldaWouldaCoulda thinking.. start today.
From experience, Dont talk about it in bed, only in daylight, in private, when you have time to linger, and with as much love and understanding and patience as you can both muster. A smile and a giggle about it all works wonders. Setting a time limit so that the other cannot change the subject and hide might help too (counselling DIY remember)
Don't cave in - either of you. Fix this.
Good luck.

I can understand your outrage Polly when some posters are saying your marriage is on the rocks when they know so little of your situation. Take note of the views which you think will help you and your DH and ignore ones which you feel are unhelpful to you.

My thoughts exactly Lucca.
Its down to each individual at the end of the day,and of course sometimes i can`t be bothered snd other times yehhh bring it on.

Surely it is at least worth asking your Doctor if there is something that might help?

If you took a pill and then suddenly your desire was back, would you be happy?

I'm not sure that many couples are going to ever have matching libido through all stages of their relationship.

Also, it's not like there aren't other ways to release pent up sexual frustration.

Find something that works for you OP, whether that's letting him have a couple of magazines or something, or figuring out if anything would get you going again so that you can enjoy it.

Whatever is comfortable for you

You asked for what has helped us. I did have HRT for a while and yes it did help. I felt better in myself and more positive generally at a time when I was exchanging jobs and moving house and it helped our sex life too.
Perhaps ask your GP for advice.

Pollyj, you were brave to ask if people understood your feelings, and if others had shared similar feelings and if so how they dealt with them. You've had the usual mixed bag of responses. Some people see sex as essential in a happy relationship, others disagree. My view and experience is that the monopause, vaginal dryness, pain on intercourse need to be acknowledged. A 'simple pessary' will not change that. Fagifem may help but any slight post menopausal bleed, or the need to take blood thinners will rule that out.

There are many very happy older couples for whom sex is no longer possible. It doesn't stop them loving each other, or enjoying their lives together. I don't expect the majority of them feel so deprived that they wander off to find a casual sex partner, or pay someone. That would be a deal breaker for me. I would not choose to share my life with a partner who paid some exploited, probably drug addicted woman for sex.

PetitFromage -- I agree, "It depends on how important sex is to your husband as to whether or not it is a 'deal breaker', but only you two can decide, with or without counselling, but there needs to be a frank discussion."

I also agree with this sentiment, "the problem is deeper than you actually believe"... I have a lot of experience with unhealthy relationship dynamics. Often one party is very unhappy and since the other person feels no such urgency and they believe everything is 'good' because THEY are content, miss the 'warning signs' that things are NOT.

OP has said multiple things like, "We are great friends and have no desire to part company.", "It's just that otherwise our marriage is great. We are friends, we laugh, we enjoy each others company, it's just this one thing." and that is the sort of thing that makes Me go, "Full stop. That is how YOU feel/think of the relationship. Is that husband's view/perspective? Have you asked him? If he said 'No.' would you be receptive to hearing his whys? How many times has husband 'given in'/compromised with with You?"

"One of us will have to give and perhaps it will have to be a compromise" -- Healthy relationships are all about compromise and not one party or the other 'giving in' to the other. The way that reads is that "compromise" is like 'lowering yourself'/abnormal and THAT is why I see danger.

Pollyj - I don't think you can really expect a bunch of strangers on the internet to give you advice which you can rely upon, simply because everyone's relationships and experiences will be different. It depends on how important sex is to your husband as to whether or not it is a 'deal breaker', but only you two can decide, with or without counselling, but there needs to be a frank discussion.

I find your word 'violated' a bit odd and that, more than anything, suggests to me that the problem is deeper than you actually believe. But, as I have already said, only the two of you can decide whether or not you can make the marriage work going forward. Good luck

From my personal experience a drastic change in either my libido or husband's could be problematic.

Expectations/roles in relationships can change over time and sometimes that 'change' leads to one party in the relationship saying, "This is not okay with Me/a 'deal breaker'..."

I agree with geekesse -- "I think your marriage is in difficulties." and 'the silent treatment' is not a healthy sign of good communication skills on both your parts.

He's not feeling heard so his defense is to 'stop talking'.

Pollyj -- "One of us will have to give and perhaps it will have to be a compromise." -- You should examine that statement. Is that 'normal' that one side has to 'give in' and for You, is 'giving in' = to compromise?

Amended version...
Coolgran65 same here. I think that's a good compromise.

Cookgran sane here. I think that's a good compromise.

geekesse

*PollyJ*, you said your husband wasn’t’t speaking to you because of ‘another misunderstanding’. You said that ‘it feels like being violated’ and that you were resentful.

And then you ask on a public forum for people to offer support.

I can’t do that. I think your marriage is in difficulties. If having sex with a husband you claim to love is a violation, it’s not trivial - you’re saying that sex with him is tantamount to rape. If your husband won’t speak to you when you reject his advances, it’s a problem because he isn’t accepting that your lack of desire is a good reason not to have sex. Your relationship is not in a good place.

Sorry. You asked is it right that you should feel under pressure to perform. No. It isn’t. You can refuse to perform. However, if your husband sees sex as essential enough that he won’t speak to you if you reject him, you have to choose between your absolute right to refuse sex and the security of your marriage.

I did ask, yes, but not support for whatever I think or want. I wanted to hear what others have done about it in the same situation. We always make up and rows are very rare. I don't think our marriage is in any trouble as I know no marriage that is without its issues and ours has so much else that is still good about it. I just hate the pain it causes. One of us will have to give and perhaps it will have to be a compromise.
What a situation.

phoenix

Sorry that I can't help, it's the opposite way round in this house makes me feel ugly, undesirable and (sometimes) unloved.

That is so sad, and the worst part of it, that he might feel that way.

But phoenix I think what you have said about your perspective could be very helpful to the op.

Could shine a light on how pollyj husband feels in a some way.
Although men do seem to have stronger egos than us women when presented with this situation.
But what do i know!

PollyJ, you said your husband wasn’t’t speaking to you because of ‘another misunderstanding’. You said that ‘it feels like being violated’ and that you were resentful.

And then you ask on a public forum for people to offer support.

I can’t do that. I think your marriage is in difficulties. If having sex with a husband you claim to love is a violation, it’s not trivial - you’re saying that sex with him is tantamount to rape. If your husband won’t speak to you when you reject his advances, it’s a problem because he isn’t accepting that your lack of desire is a good reason not to have sex. Your relationship is not in a good place.

Sorry. You asked is it right that you should feel under pressure to perform. No. It isn’t. You can refuse to perform. However, if your husband sees sex as essential enough that he won’t speak to you if you reject him, you have to choose between your absolute right to refuse sex and the security of your marriage.

Pollyj...... I absolutely understand what you are saying. At first when needed because of dryness I used and still use vagifem with extra ky jelly at the intimate times. Although this makes the physical act more comfortable it does nothing for libido.
I will enjoy the closeness but dare I be blunt here...... Will pleasure my husband in other ways rather than have intercourse. Perhaps intercourse very briefly, but it does nothing for me, and so I use the other methods. I am sure you know what I mean.

I would be content to Just read my book. I daresay in one way I should be flattered that my husband still does show an interest. I don't rebut him, I just turn it around so he is satisfied and I am happy to do so.

I hope no one is offended at my direct speaking.

Sorry that I can't help, it's the opposite way round in this house makes me feel ugly, undesirable and (sometimes) unloved.

Thanks, puzzled. Part of the thing is that I am completely familiar with all our erogenous zones! I just no longer have the slightest desire to visit them. I think even if atom Hardy turned up Wanting to show me his I’d find it hard to raise a smile! ?

I wasn’t looking for agreement. I was asking if anyone else had dealt with it and could share their experience. I didn’t expect people to tell me my marriage was clearly on the rocks or that I shouldn’t be surprised if my husband found someone who would provide him with the full service. Because that’s that’s how it came over at times. I value everyone’s responses, if it isn’t just me who found some of them Surprisingly ‘aggressive’ in their approach.

I'm with MissAdventure. Why should it need fixed? Sex isn't the be all and end all. Bodies change as we get older.

PollyJ,
Talk it through together very frankly. You love each other, so you can find a solution that should make both of you happy, not necessarily delirious, but at least contented.
If you haven't already, find some books, such as "The Complete Book of Love and Sex", and take time to learn together about your erogenous zones.
Choose times when you are both not tired, but relaxed and there are no time pressures. A glass of wine may help.
Do not expect quick results, you will both be on a learning curve. His love for you will give him patience and tenderness, while hopefully yours for him will provide tolerance and acceptance. Care for each other's needs.
Say what you each enjoy.
Things will gradually get better.
If you both go about things in a slow and gentle way, hopefully, you will weather this storm and come out into sunshine on the other side, and find ways to actually enjoy pleasing each other.
It has worked through our 56 years!