Gransnet forums


What o you do when you no longer want to?

(83 Posts)
Pollyj Thu 17-Sep-20 11:37:54

I feel bad posting this but don’t use my real name so no one would know who I am. Thing is, my OH and I are having increasing problems because he wants ‘relations’ to continue and I have simply lost all desire to do so. He isn’t speaking this a.m. because of another misunderstanding, but what do you do when you have lost all desire? Should I force myself? It feels like being violated and I am getting really resentful that I should have to literally force myself to perform whether or not I want to. I love my OH a lot, it isn’t that, and I did try for a long time to put him first, not be ‘selfish’ as one friend said, but it’s beginning to be a real problem. Anyone who hasn’t lost their desire can’t see the problem ‘just relax and you’ll enjoy it’ ‘oh come on, it can’t be that bad’ etc. But it is. IS it right I should have to feel this pressure to perform? Counselling is a no. Not ever going to happen. I just wish the problem would go away. Anyone else understand and have had to deal with this?

sodapop Thu 17-Sep-20 12:26:47

Sorry you are feeling like this Pollyj it is ok to use the word sex on here.
You don't say how old you are and if your feelings are menopause related. There is help out there for menopause problems including loss of libido. Is it possible to talk to your Dr or practice nurse about this.
In the meantime talk to your husband about your feelings, you shouldn't be feeling pressured into having sex.

DiscoDancer1975 Thu 17-Sep-20 12:35:12

You’re definitely not alone! Menopause does this, but it can be rectified. You need to speak yo your GP. Don’t feel bad, it’s very very normal. You love your husband, and that’s what’s important. Everything else can wait.💐

MissAdventure Thu 17-Sep-20 12:41:08

Should a woman need to rectify what is a natural state, though?
Everyone is so different, and lots lose interest as they age.

Urmstongran Thu 17-Sep-20 12:49:05

I would imagine honest communication is key. Only you two can decide what constitutes ‘a relationship’.

Lucca Thu 17-Sep-20 12:53:51

Funny how attitudes change. Time was you were looked down on if you enjoyed sex, now you are considered weird if you don’t.

geekesse Thu 17-Sep-20 13:05:15

If counselling is ‘not ever going to happen’ and every approach by your OH is causing resentment, then your marriage is probably on the rocks. If he wants to remain sexually active and you do not, you should expect another woman to appear on the scene shortly.

When a wife rejects her husband repeatedly, he reads it as a personal insult. When he attempts to have sex with you, you see it as a ‘violation’. In both cases, that is more damaging to a relationship, however much it is otherwise good, than if you shouted personal abuse at one another.

Counselling would help. If you refuse to consider it, you are probably deciding that the marriage isn’t worth saving.

Pollyj Thu 17-Sep-20 13:54:02

Neither of us wants that, or is thinking of it. If that one thing is enough to wreck a long successful marriage then I guess it isn't worth it anyway. What you seem to be saying is that I better 'put up' or say goodbye to my husband, who puts sex ahead of anything else we have. So be it, in that case. It isn't me deciding against counselling either.

Pollyj Thu 17-Sep-20 13:56:01

I can't think of any answer, but communication is vital, I agree. It seems impossible to reconcile without at least one person suffering. I cannot manufacture a lost libido and he cannot stop his. I just wondered whether anyone else has had the same problem and what they did.

Kamiso Thu 17-Sep-20 14:12:39

If your OH refuses to go for counselling there’s no reason you can’t go on your own to talk it through with someone who is impartial. He may well decide he wants to put his side of the story to the councellor once he knows you are attending.

Perhaps it would help you to reach a compromise? You agree to have sex at some given point and he agrees to stop pestering you in between.

Given your hostile response he may start looking for a more willing and responsive partner. You are clearly totally mismatched which is a sad fact to face. Is this a recent phenomenon or an ongoing struggle?

DiscoDancer1975 Thu 17-Sep-20 14:37:05

I don’t agree geekese. Looks of libido is very common in menopausal women, and a simple pessary is all that’s needed to put it right. My husband and I have been together for over 40 years. It’s the love that binds us. I have lost interest in sex, and after reading your post, should obviously feel so thankful he hasn’t moved another woman in. How fickle that would make him! I can’t understand this fixation with counselling. You wouldn’t go for many of the other symptoms, even the emotional ones such as depression and anxiety, ( unless they went on for so long they impacted on your life). Loss of libido happens because of lack of blood to that area, easily fixable. Of course, if the whole thing runs deeper than that polly, only you would know, but to jump to the conclusion that your marriage is on the rocks at this stage sounds a bit premature.

DiscoDancer1975 Thu 17-Sep-20 14:37:36

Loss of libido, not ‘ looks’

Atqui Thu 17-Sep-20 14:40:16

It would be helpful to know what age you are Polly, as I know there are many older women who no longer desire sex Or for that matter find their partners desirable. I know that no amount of counselling would reawaken desire for my husband who is quite a bit older than me. Yes that’s sad for him , but I know how you feel re violation.

Kamiso Thu 17-Sep-20 14:49:11

Disco Dancer: it obviously is impacting on their lives as the husband is sexually frustrated to the extent he is becoming a pest and the wife is fed up. Pestering is probably the worst thing to do but they obviously need to find a solution.

I have friends who have commented that they would rather read a book or watch tv and their partners are the same. So not a problem.

DiscoDancer1975 Thu 17-Sep-20 14:53:58

My husband can ‘ pest ‘ sometimes, but we laugh about it. It wouldn’t cause us to split up, we have a lifetime of memories together, and we’re also best friends. It would have to be something deeper behind it. It could be polly does have something deeper going on, which she doesn’t want to address yet, but to jump to that conclusion on the info she gave us just seemed a bit quick, is all I’m saying

Hetty58 Thu 17-Sep-20 15:01:02

Nobody should ever feel pressured into doing anything that they don't want to.

I don't think that a lack of libido needs 'fixing' with medical interference either. It's not a disease!

Some women just lose interest. Polly, you need to tell your husband that his married sex life with you is over, it's in the past. He has to stop making advances and adjust his expectations.

Puzzled Thu 17-Sep-20 15:06:40

Not unusual, but talking it through will help.
Both need to be tolerant, and accept compromises,
Try to find books, magazines, sites that you both find arousing, even if mildly so. You both need to take time to make overtures to the other.
There are lots of books available to learn what to do, what buttons to press and where they are.
A dear lady, in her 80s, sadly, no longer with us said "Sex is important in a marriage. If the sex is good, the marriage is good" And she was right.
Good sex is a splendid bonding agent, in addition to being mentally and physically good for you.
You both need to exercise care, patience and plenty of lubrication, via a glass and elsewhere, are needed.
Things won't click to begin with, but should gradually improve .
Start by varying times, places. Tell each other your fantasies, let your imaginations run riot. Remember, you were keen, and you are still desirable, so adapt to the change and continue to believe that you are attractive.
Accept the compliments.
You both love each other, so make the effort. Ultimately, it will, be worthwhile.
If he wants to buy or do things that make you attractive, accept gracefully and relish the thought.
Nothing succeeds like success

biba70 Thu 17-Sep-20 15:06:41

Would be interesting to know the proportions of the situation the other way round? Any idea?

Hetty58 Thu 17-Sep-20 15:13:17

'via a glass' Puzzled? If you have to get drunk - why bother?

Jaxjacky Thu 17-Sep-20 15:20:09

There are also other ways to bring pleasure without penetrative sex, but you have to want to, if you feel it’s a chore, the other person knows. I think counselling, or at least a chat, even if online may help to explore why this is happening, whether it is sudden or a slow decrease. Love has many guises, but to have any sexual interaction, you need to ‘fancy’ someone, sex without love happens because of the attraction, not necessarily love.

kircubbin2000 Thu 17-Sep-20 15:38:37

My friend solved this by telling him to look elsewhere as long as she didn't know about it.I think he ended up paying someone but apart from this the marriage was very happy.

Hetty58 Thu 17-Sep-20 15:51:48

I know a couple with a very solid, happy marriage and family life - who don't have sex (so it can't be 'compulsory').

He is disabled, with no sex drive these days. She has a boyfriend, sometimes has weekends away and holidays with him, but there is no jealousy or thought of divorce. The arrangement suits them.

GrannyLaine Thu 17-Sep-20 16:03:00

Pollyj please don't feel bad about posting about this. Your anguish is completely understandable as is your husband's sense of rejection. What happens next very much depends on what YOU want to do.
If you think about it, libido is a biological imperative to make sure we reproduce. When hormone levels change and our fertility goes with menopause, often libido goes with it. As men remain fertile, there often develops a bit of a mismatch. Obviously it's not just as simple as that, other conditions come into play but that's pretty much it in a nutshell.
As you can see from the posts above, we all have different ideas about this. I disagree that it is an indicator that your marriage is on the rocks. Should we take hormones to artificially replace a libido that has disappeared? For me the answer was an emphatic 'no' and we have a long and happy marriage. I absolutely agree that you shouldn't be pressured into doing anything you don't want to do. But communication is everything and it sounds as though you both need to have an open and honest talk about this.

LadyStardust Thu 17-Sep-20 16:04:33

I don't know where to start with some of these suggestions! Looking at magazines/books or sites? Jesus that is literally the worst thing I could think of doing in order to get me 'going'! If the desire isn't there then it isn't there! No amount of lubrication/alcohol/porn mags/lingerie is going to change that. Its usually a hormonal thing. The hormone that controls your libido is virtually non existent after the menopause. (apologies OP if you are younger) For some women its like being a child again and thinking that sex is the worst thing in the world! I have been married almost 40 years and our sex live has dwindled over the last 5. Mainly my doing, as I feel the same as the OP. We laugh about it. He moans in a humorous manner and I tell him to bugger off and find someone else if its that important, also in a humorous manner, but thankfully he doesn't! If a husband thinks that sex is the be all and end all of a loving relationship and finds 'relief' elsewhere then its not such a loving relationship after all is it? I adore my husband as he does me and we have a lovely life together. I'm sure he would rather us have the odd romp, but for the time being its not happening and that's just fine. Incidentally, my GP was most unhelpful when I broached the subject and more or less said it was just one of those things. Maybe HRT might help? I can't take it because of a blood clotting disorder in the family, but it may help you OP. I suppose all relationships are different. Some can be strong without the physical stuff whereas its the glue that holds them together in others.

Pollyj Thu 17-Sep-20 17:16:44

Good grief. We are the best match and have been for the 35 years we have been together. It's this one thing since the menopause that is a problem, ty. I am not hostile either - where did you get that? I go out of my way not to show my feelings about it. Sheesh. Wish I'd never posted now.