What o you do when you no longer want to?

True, Jane. I am overjoyed not to have periods or PMT anymore. The mood swings have gone, so far no osteoporosis and there is no downside that I can see. I don't regard my loss of libido as a bad thing. I did have some hot flushes but they're a distant memory.

I understand some women have it much harder than I did. But menopause is just a part of life. Not an illness (unless the woman suffers, obviously).

Not every woman suffers much during the menopause. Medicating them would be unnecessary and inappropriate. Doctors only see the ones who suffer so may assume that we all do. I really can't say I did. Lucky.

Possibly, I don't know.

But menopause is a normal life stage. Why delay the inevitable? Mine was early, because of my cancer treatment, but I wouldn't have taken HRT regardless, in the same way I wouldn't have a silicone implant when I had a mastectomy.

Saying women need to be medicated to be 'normal' or acceptable is a patriarchal view of what being a woman is. Losing our libido when we are no longer fertile makes sense.

For the great majority of women HRT is suitable, only for a small proportion is it contra indicated.
The benefits to health are such that one doctor told me the NHS would save a fortune if it became routinely recommended because of the huge costs related to the side effects of menopause, e.g. broken bones, hip replacements, urogenital atrophy, sleep problems, anxiety, depression etc.

I was quite keen to take HRT but not allowed.
I squelched down to the docs in sweaty shoes, and clothes all stuck to me, in the hope of something to help with the flushes, but nope.

I also accept ageing, whether it's dramatic (looking in the mirror, it is!!!) or not.

That's why I find the idea of counselling etc strange for something that's a natural thing.

Yes, but for any woman that has had, or is at risk of breast cancer, HRT is not safe. It can feed the hormones that drove the cancer. About 15% of women develop breast cancer, so it is a bit Russian roulette to take that chance. I am one of them and have been told that I must not take it.

It also assumes that losing libido is a bad thing. Speaking personally, I am fine about it. You don't miss what you don't want. I was consumed by it when I was younger and on balance, prefer my life this way.

Ageing is a normal part of life. I have never been vain and accept the changes, if not gracefully, with understanding. I have no intention of fighting it off, tooth and nail. My mother was a 'Doreen' in her younger years and it becomes unattractive (only IMO, obviously). She looks her age now. It catches up with all of us in the end.

It’s caused by the lack of oestrogen/progesterone. It the past we women died at 40-50. With recent advances in medicine we now live almost twice as long.
There is a solution. You simply replace the missing oestrogen/testosterone and decline to go through the menopause.
It not only deals with the well known side effects of the menopause but with the unspoken ones. The osteoporosis, vaginal atrophy, lack of libido, incontinence, anxiety, depression, sleep problems, memory lapses etc.
It’s probably too late for some of you, but for our younger members please read up on the subject and decide whether you are going to replace the oestrogen you lack (in the same way that type1 diabetics replace their missing insulin) or allow yourself to age dramatically with the associated deterioration in your health.

Me too. The tales I could tell..
I've "shut up shop" now.
Couldn't be less interested if I tried.

Oooo no Esspee. Wrong. I was rampant 10 years ago. I had an incredibly passionate relationship. I could go into detail but this is GN, not MN. Suffice it to say, my partner was far more than able to 'cause me to orgasm' (quite a vanilla expression). Despite that, I'm not interested anymore.

I'm ok with that tho. A strong libido controls you. I am at times glad to be rid of it.

Did you enjoy sex in the past OP?
We read so often on here of women who “would prefer a cup of tea” to having intercourse. I believe they simply have not experienced a fulfilling sex life with their partner or they wouldn’t want to give up such an important part of being a woman.
Did your husband regularly cause you to orgasm? Was he an attentive lover and were you equally considerate to him?

Our libidos have been mismatched for years and even more so post-menopause. What worked was to agree on frequency and timing. We agreed twice a week on certain days which was better for him than my once a fortnight, and better for me than his desired every night! It stopped him being a sex pest and we could be cuddly without me holding him back. It may sound staged but it gave us both a lot of freedom.

A lot of people don’t want sex later on in life so why should this be perceived as wrong or weird or told to go for counselling or medical help? To me, it’s natural for all sorts of reasons. I remember my mum telling me how my dad “didn’t ‘trouble’ her anymore...” and my mother in law said the same about her husband. It was seen as natural and acceptable.

I do understand though if the husband isn’t in agreement! So look for that compromise. I’m assuming you use a vaginal gel?

An honest and thoughtful post from MereMale upthread.

Lots of good advice on here. Good luck.

Pollyj - try not to take offence! You did ask for opinion & advice. On here you get a variety of opinions. I’ve posted before and haven’t always liked the responses. Does help to read though- can clarify your own feelings eventually.
You shouldn’t feel pushed into sex. Libido does seem to diminish after menopause- several friends have said the same ( especially if with same partner of many years). Guess the excitement has diminished or the need to impress. Replaced with a long standing love and to care for each other’s needs. And why not get close physically .....occasionally. Yes, you will to talk about how often...not exactly appointments but dates? lubrication important for ladies, ( gents enjoy ) & to be in the right mood. No distractions or pets or grandchildren near! A hotel night away, or nice meal or night out ( not cooked by you) helps to make romance. Maybe suggest to other half when he starts pestering. Tell him you’re not in the mood & how he can rectify this!

Gagajo.
You are obviously unaware that we have been happily and actively married for over 56 years. So we have experience of the loss of libido, and how to cope, and to come to terms, with it,
As a result, we probably know a thing or two more than some younger women.
We are all different, mentally and physically.
So if there is a problem, any idea might provide a partial or complete solution.
It helps to talk. When we had a problem, another family member provided a solution.

Sorry to get involved in a needless argument but what suits one does not always suit another.

Puzzled, that is a bit patronising. You are talking to people who have been sexually active in their relationships for 40 plus years.

It seems you have no understanding of the physiological causes of a loss of libido so please do not preach claptrap like the 'dance of the 7 veils' to a bunch of older women.

After 60 yrs plus of activity, there are only so many variations to a theme, a bit like cooking a favourite meal, one can add a bit of spice to it, but it requires a bit of an effort, so one eventually settles for a quick snack of cheese & biscuits, a bit of a nibble better than a full blown meal or starvation.?

I am sorry that agreeing to sex with one's spouse is viewed as violation. Surely that is when it against your will, rather than reluctant.
But on the positive side, it shows that you are loved and attractive.

The problem with being reluctant is that you may not relax, which will make it painful.
Talk things through, at a neutral time, voice your worries, as well as your wildest fanatsies. Let your imaginations run riot!
You may surprise each other!
May be you can "bargain"? "I'll do this, if you will do that, or let me do that".
You may well find ways that bring you both pleasure, without feeling used. You both have hands, so use them, and plenty of lubrication.
The dance of the seven veils might be a good starting point for alternative methods.
Seek to find places, times, and things, that you would both like to try. Do not rush things, but travel slowly to arrive at a mutually pleasing destination. Hopefully, you will both reach a point where you can both satisfy each other, without feeling used or sore.
The brain is a most powerful sexual organ

I agree - it is hard to describe the act of having sex when it is not wanted as anything other than violation, even if it is a conscious choice to please someone.

It is a minefield, and one that is faced by many, as the balance of libido between both partners fluctuates.

?

I've been on both sides of this. I can say, without a shred of doubt in my mind, that your husband has the better deal. While I missed sex when I was in a relationship with none, it wasn't a deal breaker. It is a LOT harder to let your body be violated (and that is what it feels like to me) when I have forced myself against my own will.

I haven't got a clue what you do. Sorry to be unhelpful, but I can't give advice when I genuinely don't know what is for the best.

I think coolgran has the right idea. Give and take is what marriage is all about!

Pollyj

I feel bad posting this but don’t use my real name so no one would know who I am. Thing is, my OH and I are having increasing problems because he wants ‘relations’ to continue and I have simply lost all desire to do so. He isn’t speaking this a.m. because of another misunderstanding, but what do you do when you have lost all desire? Should I force myself? It feels like being violated and I am getting really resentful that I should have to literally force myself to perform whether or not I want to. I love my OH a lot, it isn’t that, and I did try for a long time to put him first, not be ‘selfish’ as one friend said, but it’s beginning to be a real problem. Anyone who hasn’t lost their desire can’t see the problem ‘just relax and you’ll enjoy it’ ‘oh come on, it can’t be that bad’ etc. But it is. IS it right I should have to feel this pressure to perform? Counselling is a no. Not ever going to happen. I just wish the problem would go away. Anyone else understand and have had to deal with this?

do you need to delve into yourself, understand what is passing, what is annoying or what is missing, at what point did such a bad feeling appear? go back to this point and fix it. we are our own best psychologists!

I do think that it is difficult to be a man sometimes - just expressing disappointment that the sexual relationship you previously had has dwindled is labelled as manipulative, coercive or abusive - have a peep at Mumsnet!

But some sort of open communication is what is needed.

I do hope that there will be a way forward for you OP.

My thoughts exactly Lucca.
And Pollyj,if you don`t want to have sex you shouldn`t feel you have to,it`s your body,but maybe IF yoo do you may actually enjoy it and get your mojo back.

Good post Luckygirl