Gransnet forums


Mother - Daughter relationship problems.

(16 Posts)
Grannyclomps Tue 29-Sep-20 11:14:34

Yesterday I posted a thread about my relationship problems with my mum, It was the first time I had posted on here and got a bit nervous that someone I would know would see it and know who i was. I then requested it be deleted. In the meantime I got some great advice from other 'grans' and regretting asking for the deletion. I know I am very indecisive and not used to posting publically. I feel I want to repost my thread as it did help me reading some of the replies before it was deleted. The thread read as follows; I actually feel a bit silly writing this but can't really discuss it with my family, I am in my 50s and my mother is in her 70s. We have never really had a mother/daughter relationship as I was brought up by my grandparents and my dad as a child following my parents breakup. I had a great relationship with my dad who unfortunately I lost 5 years ago. He was very close to my children too, which my mum is not. I was 5 and my sister was three when they split up. My sister stayed with my mother and they have a love/hate relationship. My sister says that she feels she has to buy my mum's affection and at over 50 years old is told on a regular basis 'you are just like your father' My mum remarried and had other children. I am close to one of them but not the others and we only forged a friendship in our adult years. I also got back in touch with my mum as a young adult and as she lives a couple of hours away I only see her a couple of times a year. My mum is always posting on facebook 'be kind' - 'love your family' etc but in private she is very indifferent towards me and quite cruel on occasions and I wondered if because her and my father did not get on that she holds some sort of resentment towards me as she does with my sister. She posted a comment on one of my facebook status's that inferred I had been speaking about her behind her back. I private messaged her to ask if I had upset her in some way and I received a tirade back telling me not to be so sensitive and that not everything was about me and it was a general comment. She then posted a public apology on facebook saying that she had upset someone who had taken a comment to heart and she was very sorry. The day after my sister put a comment on about sending a message to the wrong person and my mum made a huge joke about it saying 'Oh tsk tsk be careful that sort of thing can get you into trouble' so I feel the apology was not sincere - I try to not react as she is my mum and is not well but I can't keep letting her make me feel like this.

She also ignores my children (all adults and they are not bothered but it hurts me) on social media but adds some of my friends that she does not know and has never met and sends encouraging messages to their kids, comments on their lives and celebrates their achievements.

I know the answer is to block her but that would cause issues with my wider family as I am sure they would never believe some of the things she says to me in private. Do I pop the occasional like on there to keep the peace or do I ignore her as she does me?

Grandmabatty Tue 29-Sep-20 11:42:18

Stop engaging with her on social media. If you don't want to unfriend her, mute her. You don't have the relationship you want with her and never will. Aim to disengage your emotions and view what she says with amused detachment. The more you try it, the easier it will become.

Toadinthehole Tue 29-Sep-20 11:57:21

I know you said blocking her would cause issues with your wider family. I would say not to worry about that. It’s your close family you need to worry about. Your children’s welfare is paramount...then a husband/ partner? You seem to have a good relationship with two of your sisters. That’s more than many people, me included. You don’t have to engage with her because she’s your mum. It’s not law! Spend time with the people you love, and who love you back. Don’t waste time on the rest, either in the real world or on social media. We had 25 years of difficulties with family, and it led no where. There’s lots of horrible people out there, and unfortunately, some of us are related to them😡. Look after yourself 💐

Newatthis Tue 29-Sep-20 12:19:48

Totally agree with Toad in the Hole. You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.

Chewbacca Tue 29-Sep-20 12:38:58

Toadinthehole has said it all and she offered good advice. Just because it's your mother Grannyclomps, it doesn't mean that you have to accept her behaviour.

Lolo81 Wed 30-Sep-20 01:01:32

In your shoes I would treat her like I would a work colleague or acquaintance, politely and with emotional distance.
You cannot change her, only how you react to her, so make some changes for yourself. Do what makes you happy. She’s the one missing out on you and your children and that is something you can pity her for. Look after yourself first!

welbeck Wed 30-Sep-20 01:18:41

i think a lot of upset and worry is caused by all this facebook stuff. i don't really understand it.
i can see it has its uses, but after all, it is not compulsory.
why don't you just not read about her on there and don't get involved or respond.
just send her birthday cards etc in the old-fashioned way, wishing her well, and leave it at that.
good luck.

BlueBelle Wed 30-Sep-20 05:13:38

If you are not strong enough to come off fb you don’t have to block Your mum you can just unfriend her she won't know but you won’t see all her comments etc to upset you
Do as Disney says and ‘Let it go’ it takes two to tango and
you are feeding her Keep the relationship a bit more distant and fill your life with those you get on with

Oopsadaisy4 Wed 30-Sep-20 05:30:04

You ‘unfollow’ someone on FB if you don’t want to hear from them but don’t want them to know.

As the others go have said, you won’t have the relationship that you want to with your Mother, let it go and move on.
Birthday cards and one at Christmas Is all she deserves.

PinkCakes Wed 30-Sep-20 07:48:59

Grannyclomps I've never been able to understand the social media relationships some people engage in.

You don't really have a "proper" relationship with your mother - it's all played out on Facebook, for all to see. Weird. If your mother is all you say she is, why don't you simply delete your Facebook account and let her do whatever she likes? That way, you won't be bogged down by her negativity. Create/maintain REAL relationships with your children, friends, etc. Let go of any connections with people who don't matter.

Grannyclomps Wed 30-Sep-20 15:00:33

Thank you for your advice it has been taken on board. I have unfollowed and will acknowledge birthdays and Christmas’s.

BlueBelle Wed 30-Sep-20 15:06:00

Well done Grannyclomps let her come to you and if or when she does just be pleasant don’t rake up any old problems or grievances just have a chat about the weather the mundane things in life and don’t get drawn into any nonsense

Grandmabatty Wed 30-Sep-20 16:19:54

Good for you. Watch out for a reversal in behaviour where she is super friendly, chatty, wants to see you. It's an act guaranteed to try and suck you back in. If not, then she might be really nasty to you trying to provoke a reaction. Don't engage. Good luck.

Grannyclomps Wed 30-Sep-20 16:28:22


Madgran77 Wed 30-Sep-20 17:01:14

Grannyclomps flowers

Chewbacca Wed 30-Sep-20 19:38:27

Well done Grannyclomps, good luck going forward.