I’m ashamed of my son’s behaviour

GrannieAnnie and Chewbacca, thank you for your kind words! Sorry, I swear a lot when I hear about such situations. Yes, GrannieAnnie, I eventually got back to the U.K. and went back to university, got myself a first class degree, started a very demanding and satisfying new career, and raised a gem of a daughter. And with no help from that utter pig I married. X

I think the OP is just showing some humanity in wanting to help the two people who have been damaged by her son's behaviour. If I were in such a situation, I too would want to help.

In my view, it's not a case of interfering in her son's marriage. I agree it's a mess - and that it's not Reddevil's mess -but I think it is quite natural to want to help. If people only helped when they felt directly responsible for another's suffering, I think that would be a very sad thing.

What a difficult situation for you. I would certainly try to contact your son. Although it may not be easy, tell him you love him and want him, his wife and your GC to be safe and have a good future whether they're together or apart. Without more information, it will be hard for you to know whether he has planned this to be with another woman or is really struggling with his mental health (even considering they may be better off without him and contemplating suicide). If he won't talk to you, is there another relative, friend or colleague he would talk to? Absolutely give your DiL and GS as much emotional support and reassurance as you can. I don't think making an offer of taking on long-term financial responsibility for them is the way forward but, if you're able to, then short-term help with essentials or money for travel back to UK might be the right thing to do. You don't say whether DiL has other family in UK or where they are now. As others have said, you need to look after yourself too. I hope things get resolved and that your GS in particular knows he is loved and has a secure future in all of this.

Thank you for telling us your experiences from the other side of the coin Truddles. As you say, marriages do break down for all sorts of reasons, that's life unfortunately; but the children from that marriage are blameless and their needs are paramount and should be everyone's first consideration.

Reddevil3, at 'nearly 80' your job as a parent is well and truly over and in the past.

It's not up to you to sort out their difficulties - beyond offering sympathy and moral support to his partner.

Truddles, for you. I hope that life has been kinder to you in recent years.

My ex-husband moved me and our daughter (then aged 8) to the other side of the world. Then he dumped us for another woman. I had a nightmare trying to get home and it cost me every penny I had. His mother never supported us in any way, financially or emotionally. We were put through hell, with no-one to back us up. I think you should tell your shit of a son to grow up and face up to his responsibilities. I hated my MIL until she died a couple of years ago. Even if her precious son hated me, then he should have helped his daughter. I was glad the nasty old bitch died a few years ago. Would you like your grandchild’s mum to think that about you? Tell him you are not putting him in your will and everything will go to your grandchild. I hate all that bollocks about mental issues. It’s bullshit. Sick of hearing it about people who are just using it as a smokescreen. Tell him he won’t get a brass razoo from you if he doesn’t take care of his partner and his child. Bullying twat. Good luck.

I would sit back, enjoy your DIL and GS and let them sort it out themselves. Try not to worry about it, (easier said than done I know).

Perhaps the son has mental health issues. I would support Dil and grandson but not financially, they need to sort that out as a couple. You can't support them financially for ever it needs sorting now, by them.

Crikey Red unless your son is having a genuine breakdown of sorts I think his behaviour is inexcusable.

I’m unclear from your OP who is where. Has you son stayed in the UK while his wife and child have set up home in another country with the expectation that he would join them there? Are you in the UK? In the same country as your DiL or elsewhere?

I may be wrong in this but if your son is still in the UK I think his wife can contact the CMS (formerly the CSA) to get child support payments from your son. If she can I suggest that she does this immediately. It may mean that she doesn’t need extra money from you.

If you can keep your DiL on-side you would be more likely to be able to maintain a relationship with your grandchild.

I’m so sorry. If this was your son’s plan all along then frankly, his behaviour has been awful. In which case don’t cut him off entirely but keep a good distance, for your own sake.

Families eh?! I would withdraw from the situation totally, why? its their lives, as you said in the past you helped,where did it get you? You are 80 its about time you had some peace? I had difficulties with DIL not from me, from her ,turns out she has a mental health problem,as i thought ,does it excuse bad behaviour? depends on the severity of the m/h problem.
but unless it is a severe condition ,i would say no.
When behaviour is so close to us we often don't see the wood for the trees.hope you find some resolution.

I agree wholeheartedly with GagaJo, the GC's needs take priority over anyone/anything else.

Well Reddevil3 how would you normally deal with a coward if he were not your son? Personally, I would support DIL and GS as much as possible while remaining aloof from delightful son. I say the latter since not only has he behaved disgracefully in abandoning his wife and son, he is also known to have thrown insults at his mother in the past. Were he my son, I would consider him beyond the pale until he finds the guts to be a man.

I'd do whatever was best for my grandchildren. Your son doesn't sound like a loving or loyal son, husband OR father. Put the children first. Help them out if necessary. Not their fault.

Yes you're right. When my ex left me with two babies and no money (thirty years ago), my mother-in-law gave me £10k to buy a flat and set me back on my feet. We never discussed her son's behaviour but I was always grateful for her generosity!

Whatever his reason, the way that he has treated his partner and child is very cruel. If he wanted to back out, he should have done it before she moved, rather than putting her and the little boy in this situation.

The fact that he is vile to you, his mum, if you challenge him is another black mark against him.

It would probably be wise for you to keep out of it, as much as possible. Difficult, though. Obviously you love your grandson and worry about his wellbeing. There's also the fact that most of us still feel responsible for our children's behaviour, even when they are adults and must take responsibility for themselves.

"... high achieving borderline personality disorder ... He demonstrates a lot of the symptoms. It would explain a lot and makes me less angry."

Why does it make you less angry?

With or without BPD, you are not responsible for his behaviour. With or without BPD, he's still done what he's done. With or without BPD, his treatment of his wife and child is still appalling.

"I dare not email him as if I interfere (similar things have happened in the past) he responds with a whole load of vile insults. I’m nearly 80 and cannot cope with this situation. Any suggestions please?"
What do you mean by 'interfere'? Is that what he tells you you're doing if you ask any questions? And the past - are you talking about him acting maliciously before, or something else? It sounds as if he regularly puts you through the mill.

There is really nothing you can do about this situation anyway, except offer emotional support to your daughter-in-law and your grandson.

And personally, I would be quietly changing my will, so that my grandson would inherit and not my son. I wouldn't bother telling my son since it seems that would just invite vileness; but I would want to ensure that my grandchild benefitted and I would no longer trust my son to see to that.

It was mentioned he had a company so am assuming he may be reasonably solven money wise. If they are married she will be entitled to support, if not their child certainly will no matter where she lives. To let her take a lease out was unbelievably u kind if he absolutely knew he was never coming.

Craicon as I thought I made clear in my reply before, it was the strength of language I objected to, not disagreeing. In face to face situations I listen carefully and try not to respond with kneejerk condemnation. I find that the best way of keeping the debate open.

I prefer not to lecture people which is obviously your way but do go ahead, this is obviously what foruns are for after all.

Sorry I made some typos: lives rather than lives. Son rather than sin

I would call your son and ask him if he is ok and is there anything you can do to help. I would be concerned about him. I would then have 2 sides of what is going on not just 1 side. Ask if he has a long term plan. I think there is much more to this than you know about. You may not be happy with whatever this mess is but you need to offer emotional support to them all as they are all your family. Not the DIL over the sin though. He is your son. If he us unhappy or has made poor judgements then help him through those. Be there for him. Not against him. We all make a mess of our lives from time to time. Remind him to stand by his own son. Make sure the little boy knows that his Dad lives him and is financially provided for. Your grandson needs both his parents emotionally and you should do whatever you can to enable that. Only provide financially if your son cannot eg if his business has failed.

I would get in touch with him just to hear his side of things and why would he insult you?

I agree with the majority of opinions here. Take a step back and leave your son to sort himself out with his partner. There comes a time in every parents' life when you have to accept that your offspring might do or say things you do not approve of, but they are who they are and you cannot change the person they have become. If they ask for help or advice that is a different scenario. Even then they might not take it. Leave him be and just be there if he needs you. Interfering, in my experience, can lead to heartache.

I would want to support my grandchild as a higher priority than my adult son, so staying out of it wouldn’t work for me. I’d be contacting my son initially to ask what’s going on and to see if it’s just cold feet or something bigger, such as an affair. I certainly wouldn’t condone letting his child down that easily.

@luckyoldbeethoven
If you genuinely felt upset by Bibbity’s perfectly reasonable comment disagreeing with your suggestion, then maybe online chat forums aren’t for you?

In real life, if someone disagrees with you, how do you deal with it?

Are you able to accept that the same set of facts can be viewed quite differently according to the individual’s perspective and that it does not mean they don’t respect your opinions too?

It does sound like behaviour typical of some men - running away from the responsibility of a very difficult conversation with his wife. But you say you're nearly 80 so look after yourself first. Offer to have your GS while they sort out practicalities, if you're up to that, and let them both talk to you if they want to. In the end, you can't influence their decision as to what happens next. If you feel money will help along the line, when their decisions are made, do it then. So sorry for your worry.