Gransnet forums


I’m ashamed of my son’s behaviour

(66 Posts)
Reddevil3 Fri 02-Oct-20 12:19:49

Hello everybody. I have been put into a very awkward position by my son. He and his partner were planning for a couple of years. to move from the U.K. to one of the EU countries,
They have a six year old son. My son runs a company in the U.K. but would be able to do the majority of his job on line.
She brought their son over a month ago and he started at school (300€ per month) on the premise that my son would join them this week. (She signed the lease on a rental last week) He has just contacted them to say he’s not coming.
Both his partner and son are devastated. I live several hours away. I am so angry and feel a moral obligation to help support them financially. I dare not email him as if I interfere (similar things have happened in the past) he responds with a whole load of vile insults. I’m nearly 80 and cannot cope with this situation. Any suggestions please?

Luckyoldbeethoven Fri 02-Oct-20 12:40:22

A friend of mine had a son who once took a new job and couldn't get around to resigning from the other and he phoned her from the reception of the new job on day one saying 'I don't know what to do'! She had always taken a hand in his life including finishing his undergraduate dissertation for him and the jobs in question were senior ones and he in his late 20s.

Your son is an adult and really it's not your call and it would be best for you to stay out of it although that probably isn't easy. It can't have been easy for him to do what he has done and I don't see why you think that you have a moral obligation to support him? If you know that the partner and son are devastated, have they been confiding in you? It's very dangerous to get involved in adult children's lives and marriages. Have you looked at the estrangement threads here?

If you can sit on your hands and distract yourself somehow and just leave it to them, perhaps the outcome may surprise you. Have you got someone neutral that you can confide in if you need to talk about it? I'm sure that would help.

Bibbity Fri 02-Oct-20 12:55:17

can't have been easy for him to do what he has done

I couldn’t disagree more with this. He took the easy and cowards way out. Abandoning his responsibilities and his child.

I am so sorry you’re going through this but can I please commend you on not seeing him through rose tinted glasses.
I’m sure any support you can offer your DIL and GS would be very welcomed and appreciated. I’d just leave him. I wouldn’t be able to say a civil word to him.

Luckyoldbeethoven Fri 02-Oct-20 13:02:24

Crikey Bibbety haven't you seen enough trouble and stress in the world with people being judgmental and harsh towards each other? And you have a go at me too because you disagree.

Makes a person feel really good towards you, do you think that might be a mirror of what you are suggesting towards someone you don't know, know nothing of their life, their relationships, their history, their personality and mental health - and I don't mean me, I mean the OP and her son!! Wow, you're not a high court judge are you?

ineedamum Fri 02-Oct-20 13:05:58

You don't know what happens behind closed doors. Perhaps she manipulated him, or is so domineering he just didn't have the space and time to think it through and when the critical time came he didn't want it. Also, moving in a pandemic isn't ideal to settle in somewhere new as everywhere is closed, making it hard to meet people. Perhaps they didn't communicate about this?

rafichagran Fri 02-Oct-20 13:13:16

Like you Red I would want to help financially. Please only give what you can afford, do not leave yourself short of money.

I would also say your son should be ashamed of himself for using vile insults to his Mother, and backing out on something he had previously agreed too. Should he not be giving his wife financial support, if not, why not?
Sorry to say this but could he want his wife and child out of the way for other reasons that she does not know about.

Sorry you are going through this Red

lemsip Fri 02-Oct-20 13:14:15

Yes! Stay out of it! Your son is an adult and you are not responsible for him! Know how you feel though!

BlueBelle Fri 02-Oct-20 13:18:05

Well are you jumping the gun a bit, as there’s not a lot of meat on the bones and it appears reddevil has only had a panicky interaction with her daughter in law as she’s says she darent bring it up with her son implying she’s heard nothing from him about this situation
I take it the daughter in law and grandson have moved to your country Reddevil Can you be sure your son is definitely not moving or has his moving got pushed back Is he abandoning his family completely including talking about divorce etc or is it a delaying tactic because he hasn’t yet been able to work out the logistics
If he has sent her over and then dropped the bombshell that he’s never joining her then he has acted as a coward and it’s shameful You can certainly emotionally support them but whether he’s with them or not with them their finances are not your responsibility
Remember its not your responsibility and I d definitely not ask any questions but be supportive of your daughter in law and grandson IF she asks for your support
It may not be as bad as it seems
Keep coming on here it may help get it in perspective

Hithere Fri 02-Oct-20 13:19:05

I agree with Ineedamum

I wouldnt jump to supporting them financially yet. Your son needs to do that.

NotSpaghetti Fri 02-Oct-20 13:19:29

If he is not coming, isn't he at least going to support them financially? He will know their outgoings.

Smileless2012 Fri 02-Oct-20 13:21:56

I'd be ashamed too Red. All you can do is give your son's partner and GS as much emotional and practical support as you can.

Resist the temptation to give financial assistance; that responsibility is your son's, not yours.

Jane10 Fri 02-Oct-20 13:42:37

I'm afraid that I would certainly contact him and ask him to confirm that he has allowed this situation to occur. That way you'd give him a chance to explain his side.
If he's cowardly enough to wait to inform his partner if his decision to join them as planned then he must be feeling embarrassed. Maybe burying his head in the sand. Ignore rude things he might say to you, point out his responsibilities.

Daisymae Fri 02-Oct-20 13:52:43

I would be inclined to stand back and see how this plays out. At the end of the day your son and his partner are adults and are responsible for their own behaviour. I certainly would not jump in with financial help at the moment. They may well sort this out between them and your son may relocate. Whatever they have to take responsibility and the consequences of their actions. Of course the sensible thing would have been for him to move first and the family to follow. Maybe they will all move back, or maybe this is your son's way of ending the relationship? This is a very difficult situation and it must be devastating for your GC, but stay calm and offer emotional support as and when. One day at a time.

trustgone4sure Fri 02-Oct-20 13:53:24

I agree with ineedamum and Hithere.
Keep your money in your purse.
As an adult,you are not his keeper.

Lucca Fri 02-Oct-20 14:18:29


Crikey Bibbety haven't you seen enough trouble and stress in the world with people being judgmental and harsh towards each other? And you have a go at me too because you disagree.

Makes a person feel really good towards you, do you think that might be a mirror of what you are suggesting towards someone you don't know, know nothing of their life, their relationships, their history, their personality and mental health - and I don't mean me, I mean the OP and her son!! Wow, you're not a high court judge are you?

What? Where ? How has Bibbity “had a go” at you ? She said “I couldn’t disagree more”
Slight overreaction On your part I’d say

Bibbity Fri 02-Oct-20 14:21:48

If you find my post breaks guidelines then please fog it to GN

I don’t believe I said anything wrong. An open discussion does allow for me to disagree with you.

Luckygirl Fri 02-Oct-20 14:30:13

Something similar happened to a friend of mine - she and her OH moved home as he was changing career - they chose a new home together and immediately after they moved in he upped and left for someone else, leaving her and the 2 children in a home that she might not have chosen if she had known what the true plan was. He knew exactly what he was planning to do - it was a calculated act of treachery.

OP - your son must sort out his own mess; and you should tell him this. It sounds as though he has "form" and you should not enable this repeat behaviour by picking up his responsibilities. I do see how hard it is for you; but he needs to realise that he must take the consequences of his own actions and cannot look to you to bail everyone out.

sodapop Fri 02-Oct-20 15:04:58

We always feel responsible for our children's behaviour whatever age they are, strange but true. I would hold fire for a while RedDevil3 and see what transpires.
Support your son's partner and grandson emotionally at the moment but not financially. It must be upsetting for you to think your son can behave like this but as everyone else said he is an adult and must face up to his responsibilities.

Luckyoldbeethoven Fri 02-Oct-20 15:49:55

I suppose I go for the equivocal and 'couldn't disagree more' is pretty strong and not how I would express disagreeing with someone in a situation which was far from clear.
Of course it doesn't break guidelines, perhaps I'm too mild. Thank you for your intervention Lucca, let's hope the OP finds all comments useful.

GagaJo Fri 02-Oct-20 15:51:41

Luckygirl, snap. A friend of mine had the same thing. Except they had relocated to Japan. He left her with very little money and air tickets for herself and the children to get home to her parents while he set up house with a women he had moved to Japan to be with.

My friend had given up university and potential careers to support him in his career while following him around the world.

She is one of the reasons I have been such an ardant career woman. I refused to be left alone and poor, with children.

Nannarose Fri 02-Oct-20 15:58:45

Personally I would feel responsible for ensuring the well being of the mother and child. I would say something like" I don't have enough money to support you, and I really think that is my son's job, but I will make sure you are housed and fed while you get on your feet without him".
I am not saying that is right for you, just offering a point of view.

Toadinthehole Fri 02-Oct-20 16:12:25

I think it’s a case of letting any dust settle, and just waiting to see how you could possibly help. Others are right to say to hold back. They are not your responsibility. I know it’s hard, but you have your own well being to think of. If you interfered, it could set them back, and then you could be blamed. Take care.

quizqueen Fri 02-Oct-20 16:39:24

Surely, both of them would have signed the contracts for the rental home and school fees so both are responsible for paying. If she signed them just in her name, she should have suspected something was a bit fishy.

Reddevil3 Fri 02-Oct-20 20:49:18

Thanks for all your helpful comments. It has been suddested that he might have « high achieving borderline personality disorder» He demonstrates a lot of the symptoms.
It would explain a lot and makes me less angry.

Reddevil3 Fri 02-Oct-20 20:49:41

Sorry suggested