Sister being resentful?

If your sister is full time carer of your father - she's totally exhausted and could do with a break .

Visiting with flowers and chocolates isn't enough .
I've been there
I haven't had a holiday except for one weekend away for 17 years .
As an only child I longed to have siblings .
I still do !

It sounds to me that you just want to be closer to your sister..why don't you just tell her that and that you miss her..

Mywishingquotes
I think the problem might be resolved.
look at the date of op, October 2020

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Sister doesn’t do any housework or gardening for dad ( fortunately he can afford cleaner/ Carer and gardener). but she does keep an eye on his finances and his day to day life.
When we visit we take meals, wine, gifts, and do help a lot.
Dad seems happy. It’s me feeling guilty that we’re not nearer.
We have looked after husbands mum and aunt, husband does think we’ve done our turn. COVID has made it all more difficult to visit

Dad is fortunate as he can afford cleaner 2 hrs a day and a gardener. Cleaner sits with him for cup of tea and chat daily too! Sister doesn’t have any jobs to do as such, but visits nearly every day and does keep an eye on his finances. He’s very ‘ with it’ and tells me he’s happy with FaceTime at present. In fact, telling us not to travel - To be covid safe! Me feeling guilt about not visiting I suppose. Thanks for comments and advice

Thistlelass I would imagine it's jobs that dictate where people move to, rather than actually choosing.
When my kids were little, we lived pretty much halfway between 2 sets of grandparents.

If your sister is hands on with your Dad and having to go around daily to cook and clean for him as well as any personal care she also has to do her own home. If he is 95 your sister must be getting older and probably feeling tired. Could you pay for your Dad to have a cleaner in for a couple of hours each week? This would lighten the load off your sister. Alternatively you could order him in some of those meals they advertise where you pick the ones you like and they get delivered. That would also give your sister some help. It is difficult when you live further away. When my Mum was getting older two of my sisters lived in same town as Mum but three of us scattered across UK. The ones further away paid for a cleaner for 3 hours each week. We paid for 1 hour each. It took strain of sisters living closer who still did laundry, shopping and personal care. We went to visit every other week on different days to give caring sisters a day off.

Thanks for all the thoughts and advice- helps to clarify my mind. Covid has made the last 6 months more difficult with travel/staying etc. We’re conscious of not bringing in infection to their bubble. Did break rules though when mum was dying earlier in year. Will continue to phone/FaceTime and visit occasionally. Dad seems happy that is the main thing. Fortunate in that he has a Carer/ cleaner every morning, a gardener and food delivered.
I do understand the stresses of looking after elderly relatives- we were solely in charge of husbands Aunt,and then mother, before they went into care homes.

I am no longer in touch with my sister. I have had to deal with elderly relatives passing and sorting everything out, no help from her but she is there for any handouts that are going. I don't expect any help but an offer would have gone a long way. As they say, you can chose your friends but not your family. I am sorry to say that this is it and I will get on with my own life and she can get on with hers. We are poles apart in everything.

Chardy I am sorry but it was your choice to raise your family miles away from your parents! We all have the option to arrange family life as we wish. Not every individual who cares for their elderly parent even has their own family! If your kids did not get taken out and treated to a meal etc does this also mean you never took them to visit or had your parents to stay? My own daughter lives almost 100 miles away from me. I have gone to stay with her (on a fortnightly basis) to care for her two young children. Her husband would quite happily relocate but my daughter has no desire (I know her reason), Now because of my health this is not an option. I also was the daughter who was there to support my mother in her later years while my sisters were not too often on the scene. What I will say to you is that until a person has had to exist in those circumstances they really have no idea of the stress.

We struggled with family for many years, and if I could go back....would not have tried. It’s obviously not a comfortable relationship. Why not just leave it and let her contact you as and when. I would be interested to see how long it takes her. You can maintain the same relationship with your father you’ve always had. It’s not your fault you have your life, if that makes sense.

If I ever comment on any thread, it is just that, a comment, not meant for a anyone specific! so this is not meant for anyone!

Wow Donal, have you added up the cost of petrol driving 18 hours a week? And health cost? I’d be exhausted by arriving after 3 hour drive, doing whatever sister deemed needing, and would fall asleep driving home! Leaving at say 6 o’clock, getting home at 9pm!! Three days a week!! Thats a 12 hour day working day 3 times a week!That’s a huge chunk of life, would dominate everything . That is defo not an option.

Possibly the distant sister could go down and stay overnight once a week, that way ensuring she doesn’t overtire herself....giving her sister 2 clear days a week “off”.
We have offspring to satisfy a primordial urge to procreate/ mother.... not to look after us in old age, that’s an unexpected bonus.

We love our parents,but life waits for no man, we should make arrangements ALL through our young lives for our dotage, be self sufficient, and just enjoy what pleasures we can from family, and any family members that WANT to give more time, fill yer boots, enjoy the ‘giving’ of yourself, time,money.
Those that can’t/ don’t want to, enjoy that too.
We need to remember though, “ What goes round, comes round”. Know it will repeat itself in your own life!! It always does!

Can you visit your father, so that you are seen to be doing your bit for the family. I sense your sister is snowed under with her life and assisting, visiting your father. Have you tried a neutral meet up. Just you and your sister. My sister always calls me because she always has more drama to mention and some advice needed. We fell out 2 months ago, I apologised, she never does. Shes just been here to take me shopping. I just come out of hospital. With my sister, I always feel, two wrongs dont make a right. I try harder, than she does, and I am the eldest

Yes Hetty, him. The golden one.

'him' silverlining?

That's a whole new puzzle. It seems that sons and brothers are not expected to do the visiting/caring etc. in the same way that women are. They are 'excused'. So much for equality!

(Yes, I have a brother who is useless and treated like a child.)

Its up to suzie what she does. She asked for opinions and advice and has had plenty.
While as someone said, there should be no debt to pay, if the care given to us as children was good enough then its love, or even obligation to do what we can when we see our parents struggling, bearing in mind one day in the not too distant future it will be us frail and vulnerable maybe needing help.
It was stressful at times because mum had dementia but I have no regrets and can look back and think despite living much further, that I always did the best I could for her. What my sibling who lived just minutes away thinks is for him to ponder.

Doesn't sound to me like there is any deep-seated resentment, if when the OP does phone the sister is happy to talk for a while and answer questions about her doings. What happens if you start talking about what you've been up to, does she suddenly say sorry I've got to go now? Start, and see how it goes. Some people are just better at initiating calls and visits than others, there isn't always any underlying reason.

lemsip

I think it's a good idea to read through previous responses to the original post or you may be posting what has already been replied to! meant in the kindest helpful way!

Hi lemsip if your above comment was meant for me?? Please refraine from making such comment whether you believe you are coming from the kindest, helpful place. I am an Adult, not a Child...whether I have repeated what others have said...is no harm to anyone...people do repeat what others have said on many posts. It comes across as condescending and not treating a person as an equal but superior. We have a choice...whether we read the post or not...its as simple as that.

When an elderly parent needs care and family is near or far, everything is turned upside down. Issues rise to the surface. The situation in my family was difficult as both of us siblings did not live on the doorstep.

You just have to do what you feel is best to keep you sane and well. My Dad died in a dementia unit last year and I made a long journey each month to see him. I had some nightmare journeys which take about seven hours! But it was my choice and decision to do that. However with the pandemic, I can't do the same for my Mum, which is very hard.

Do what you can or feel able to do, don't feel guilty, look after yourself, seek help if you need it and accept situations for what they are.

Hetty58

I disagree with donna1964, who has assumed that the sister has a carer's role and that she needs help.

All SuzieHi has said is that she appreciates what her sister does - no details. Her sister visits, that's all we know for sure.

Perhaps the father is quite independent but somewhat lonely, having lost his wife?

I really dislike that old argument about how much you 'owe' parents who looked after you when you were young. Sorry, but they chose to have you and bring you up. There is no bill to repay.

It's no good trying to guilt trip anyone into 'doing their duty' either, when it may not be expected - or they choose not to.

Why on Earth would anyone want to spend half their week travelling and visiting? It makes no sense.

All SuzieHi wants is to be made welcome when she does visit, to be kept in the loop. It sounds like her sister has claimed 'ownership' of Dad and is totally uninterested in her sister's life!

We all bring our own past experiences into these discussions. With me, I was expected (by my sister) to agree to a regular day and time to visit Mum. She'd go daily anyway - so it made no sense. I refused and went when it suited me!

Then why does SuzieHi ask the sister...'What can we do to help'?

This is the well-known situation: two sisters, dad on his own.

One sister, A, lives near their dad, the other, B, further away.

Sister A probably pops in to see dad and help every day or so, while sister B can't be there every day.

So, is sister A feeling put upon, that looking after dad is being left to her?

Or is sister B feeling guilty about not doing more for dad, or jealous of the sister, she calls jealous and resentful?

OP, only you know the rights and wrongs of this situation, but you have known your sister either all her life or all yours, depending on who is the younger.

You ought to know what she is feeling.

How much help does your dad need? Could you do his online grocery shopping for him? Find a cleaner? or whatever else he needs.

Whatever you do, discuss it with you dad and with your sister first.

I disagree with donna1964, who has assumed that the sister has a carer's role and that she needs help.

All SuzieHi has said is that she appreciates what her sister does - no details. Her sister visits, that's all we know for sure.

Perhaps the father is quite independent but somewhat lonely, having lost his wife?

I really dislike that old argument about how much you 'owe' parents who looked after you when you were young. Sorry, but they chose to have you and bring you up. There is no bill to repay.

It's no good trying to guilt trip anyone into 'doing their duty' either, when it may not be expected - or they choose not to.

Why on Earth would anyone want to spend half their week travelling and visiting? It makes no sense.

All SuzieHi wants is to be made welcome when she does visit, to be kept in the loop. It sounds like her sister has claimed 'ownership' of Dad and is totally uninterested in her sister's life!

We all bring our own past experiences into these discussions. With me, I was expected (by my sister) to agree to a regular day and time to visit Mum. She'd go daily anyway - so it made no sense. I refused and went when it suited me!