Caught between 2 sisters - any advice?

Has an impact, not have

OP

You are not in the middle at all.

You need to stop being stressed about things you cannot control at all.

You have no power over your sisters' decisions or actions.

How awful. It is abuse, pure and simple.

Your sister who houses your mother has to allow your mother to see all of her family and your job it to facilitate this.
Get her to go out when the other sister is to visit.

And being younger and more physically able doesn't, either, as I'm sure an elder abuse helpline will be happy to confirm.

Being elderly just doesnt give you priority yo override everything going on around you so you get what you want

That cuts both ways hithere. The 2 sisters dispute shouldn't override what's going on around them either. They have a sick 96 year old mother who wants to see one of those sisters but the other sister is denying her that right. MissA is correct. This is coercive control and elderly abuse.

Whatever the disagreement was has probably been forgotten, it’s most likely neither will back down so keep on good terms with both yourself.
This is very common in families.

I am sorry that you have this situation, it is draining.

We had almost exactly the same in my in-law family, the only difference being that my MIL had Alzheimers, so she didn't know who was visiting (or what was going on really). But what is relevant is that one of the other sisters (there are 5 sisters) insisted that the sister who had been banned from visiting her mother be permitted to do so. Many rows, phone calls, other family members getting involved followed.

The sister who had issued the ban then simply had an attorney send a letter to the one who was banned enforcing her non-admittance to her sister's property. So that was the end of that, but many more feathers had been ruffled in the meanwhile. It does make me realise though that it is probably enforceable in law to ban people from entering your home no matter what the circumstances.

Sometimes I think that we have to accept that we can't "fix" everything. I agree with the posters who say you cannot get involved, it is between your sisters.

Rights, abuse, etc... way too dramatic for just not being able to visit in person.

How about calls, videochats, etc.

The mother can always choose to move to OP's house so anybody can visit as they wish.

Problem solved.

Social services, if involved, would ensure that someone wasn't left in an abusive situation. They would hopefully involve the courts/police in order to remove the victim, if necessary.

What a horrible situation for you, your mum and both your sisters.

Hithere, eliciting who said what and when in this discussion isn't going change the situation. It isn't about apportioning blame, the OP asks "aibu to say visits should be allowed?" My response is no, UANBU but I expect the sister who has mum living with her is likely to say UABU and it's up to her who she allows into her house.

What does your mum want? Is she able to express a view, or does the daughter she lives with exercise control over mum expressing her wishes and feelings? If so, that is elder abuse. If mum is able to tell her daughter that she'd like to see all her children, the easiest thing would be for carer daughter to either go out or given the strange times we live in, go into a room where she doesn't need to meet her sister.

Intransigent people are such hard work.

This family has decades of interactions and background information

This could be very well (or not) be the tip of the iceberg.

A snipet in time given here is not enough to scream abuse and who the victim/s is/are

What an awful situation to be in.
So very cruel.
I can only think what others have suggested. Ask sister to go out for an hour and let the other sister go in and visit.
Your mum should be the priority.

I suspect you aren't alone in realising this situation, the ill feeling between two sisters, didn't happen overnight Hithere. No one is screaming abuse, some have suggested that if the elderly mother is unable to express her feelings and would like her 3rd daughter to visit, that should be possible. If the mothers wishes and feelings are ignored or ridden rough shod over, that could be seen as elder abuse.
Its a discussion not a war

Chewbacca

^Is it possible for you to take your mother out for an hour?^

Traviata says in her OP:
she’s virtually immobile and fully dependent for all daily activities. She’s recently been very ill
^(she’s 92)^

Yes
Virtually immobile doesn’t always mean can’t leave the house

It was just an idea.

No, I don’t think you can do anything, except what you’re doing already. It’s your sisters house, so it’s her call. Could your mum live with you? Is that possible? It may be childish, but it is what it is, and you all have to make the best of it.

Iam64

We have at least a couple of posters saying this is abuse.

The most powerful persuader is your mum herself, has she made it clear to the sister she’s living with that she really wants to see her other daughter, as if your sister loves her she won’t want to deny her that regardless of her own feelings? If she is adamant despite knowing it’s what your mum wants, then I’d agree it is an abusive situation.

I suspect you aren't alone in realising this situation, the ill feeling between two sisters, didn't happen overnight Hithere. No one is screaming abuse, some have suggested that if the elderly mother is unable to express her feelings and would like her 3rd daughter to visit, that should be possible. If the mothers wishes and feelings are ignored or ridden rough shod over, that could be seen as elder abuse.
Its a discussion not a war

The most powerful persuader is your mum herself, has she made it clear to the sister she’s living with that she really wants to see her other daughter, as if your sister loves her she won’t want to deny her that regardless of her own feelings? If she is adamant despite knowing it’s what your mum wants, then I’d agree it is an abusive situation

Two good posts Iam64 and Casdon

Traviata Your mum's wishes should be taken into account.

This is a very complex situation and of course we have only heard part of it. I feel sad thinking of any woman of 96 wanting to see a daughter and seemingly being prevented. I don't think the sister whose home it is can be forced to allow her sister into her home but are there any other ways of helping the mother see her daughter? She may be housebound but possibly not. Family took my mil out in a wheelchair, to the coast, out for lunches, to family homes until 2 months before her death at aged 94. You anbu to want your mother to see your sibling op, but are there ways in which you could facilitate this?
The situation is complex because, although her refusal to allow her sister to visit must be very distressing to your mother, your carer sister's full time care of your mother is a massive commitment and your mother choosing to live there could indicate that they have a close relationship in other ways.
You may have already tried this, but I would approach a conversation by first acknowledging how much your sister does for your mother. You could point out that as she loves your mother very much she might well be consumed with guilt if she keeps up this refusal to allow her sibling into her home until it is too late. I would keep out of the whys and wherefores of the original row if you can but gently press the case, pointing out that letting the other sister in would both be the right thing to do for your mother and also a generous gesture on her part in the light of her own personal animosity.
Certainly if your mother dies before your sister relents, it seems very unlikely that the sisters would ever reconcile.

A very thoughtful post 52bright and the last sentence is resonant of what will surely happen if the situation is allowed to continue. I know it only too well.

Traviata, I didn't read anything that says what happened or what reason your youngest sister might have to not want your other sister in her home. It's unfortunate that your mum lives with one and has also been caught in the middle of this.

Neither you nor your mum should be in the middle, too painful for both. Your sisters are adults and make their own decisions so you need to respect the decision to have no relationship.

Your mum is another matter. I think mediation would be the best way to go, your mum should be able to see all her children. Maybe you could also offer to have your mum to stay with you if your younger sister just can't see past this hurt enough to allow a visit but I think the cause of the hurt is the wall between them.

Its going to be difficult for you to negotiate a way for a visit to happen between them while staying out of the original argument but I think you need to try.

If your mother wants to see her D and is being prevented from doing so by her other D, I agree that this is abuse Traviata.

As Astral has suggested, could your mother stay with you or come for regular visits so your sister can see her at your home?

If this isn't possible my advice is to talk to your mum and see how she feels about not seeing your sister. If this is something she wants and is upset at not being able too, in your position I'd contact social services for advice.

Good luck.

I stand by my earlier post that you should stay out of this. You haven't come back to answer the many sensible questions put here. You are the oldest child and I also wonder if the role of family 'fixer' has been yours for many years, therefore you are automatically trying to fix a relationship which can't be fixed. You say you've been involved as mediator between your sisters to no avail. I agree, if your mum wants to see her other daughter then it is very sad that she can't. But you haven't come back to tell us what your mum's wishes are. Have you asked her or are you making assumptions because you're still trying to sort this out in your allotted family role?

I think the ‘many questions’ being asked are irrelevant.

Traviata asked if she was being unreasonable to say that her sister should be allowed to visit her 92 year old mother, I don’t think she was looking for anyone to collect the evidence and ‘ condemn’ her sister.

In my opinion, she is not being at all unreasonable, if her mother wants to see her daughter ( though Traviata hasn’t said this is the case, unless I’ve misread).
If that is the case, I would try some sort of mediation to work out the practicalities.

What a predicament for you! Personally, I would "bang their heads together" tell them to grow up, act their ages and put differences aside to show a united, caring front to their dear mum whilst she is so poorly.

After, what sounds like, the inevitable happens and mum is no longer around they can please themselves can't they?

Sending good wishes and I hope you get this dreadful situation sorted out. Stay safe!