Caught between 2 sisters - any advice?

Controlling behaviour is: a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate
and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources
and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence,
resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour

Thst definition of controlling behaviour does not apply here.

The types of behaviour associated with coercion or control might include:

 isolating a person from their friends and family;

 taking control over aspects of their everyday life, such as where they can go, who they can see, what to wear and when they can sleep;

A pp mentioned it - let's not forget the covid risk to a person who is already in bad health.

Your sister may not want t’other in the house but has she considered whether she has the right to deny her mother seeing her daughter. Words fail me as to the selfishness of this act

Me too @Caro57

If any of us were ever in that situation, living in one child's house and denied contact with our other child... can you imagine?!

No doubt Mum is looked after, but can you imagine your child deciding who you are allowed to talk to? :O

This is such a sad situation. Take your mum out in the car if you can so she can meet her daughter. Your sister should be ashamed of herself. I really dislike my brother in law, but when his mum was dying I just let it go. So should your sister.

Has the OP come back at all in 6 pages?

To the original question, no you are not the BU for suggesting that sister be allowed to visit. However, you have been told no.

I like to ask myself, and then what? What may be the outcome?

You decide to guilt, manipulate or even worse, report your sister for elder abuse because she has set a boundary. And then what?

Are you or other sister prepared to take in mom? And then what?

Can the family afford to have her put into senior living? Will her standard of care be reduced because of it? How will THAT affect mom? And then what?

Are you prepared for what will happen with the relationship for the entire family? And then what?

I am the main carer for my grandmother. She lives alone still but is declining quickly at 86 years old. My goal is to keep her out of assisted living as long as possible because it is expensive and seniors have a high incidence of neglect and abuse.

If ANYONE came to me and told me that if I didnt do X, they would report me despite the fact that I am giving good care to my relative, I would immediately tell them to prepare to be the main carer.

I feel like there could be other solutions to this issue that need to be investigated before blowing up the family. But we dont know because the OP never came back to answer the variety of questions that have been asked.

Your mother is 92 and probably doesn't have many years left. Surely the sister who she lives with can go out for an hour or so , so the other can visit. Unlike some others I think that mum's wishes should be the most important here. hubby & his brother didn't talk for 5 years but when their dad had a stroke they were both there for him. Is your mum able to go out for the shortest time if you take her? If so maybe it's possible to meet up on neutral ground.

Has the OP come back at all in 6 pages

If you read through today's postings freedomfromthepast, you'll see that OP has come back and posted several times today.

The original post says that the sister wants to visit her mother, not that the mother wants to see her daughter. This could be the case but it is not stated as such.
To an extent I agree with Hithere, without knowing the reason for the rift between the sisters, and I am not saying that I want to know, it is hard to say if it is unreasonable to expect the younger sister to allow the other sister into her house or not.

Thank you chewbacca. I will look again.

I somehow missed the updates from the OP when I posted. Now that I know that mother has put money into the house and co-owns it changes my opinion. I can only hope that there are legal documents to back her up. Not sure what tenancy laws look like in the UK.

It is very sad that the sisters cant put aside their differences and work it out for mom. I agree with whoever said that sister 1 can leave the house while sister 2 visits. They don't need to be subjected to each other.

My question still remains though. And then what?

What solutions does the OP have? 5 years of trying and not succeeding means that OP wont likely be successful in mediating now. Can OP set up video calls? Not the best solution, but it may be the one that works.

I feel sorry for mum. She should see all her daughters.
Youngest is being wicked. I hope she doesn't live to regret her decision. X

I totally agree with several of the posters that regardless of the origin and nature of the dispute between the sisters, this is very definitely abuse. It is a clear example of the coercive control of your Mother.

I also totally understand the motivation behind your attempts at mediation.

Furthermore, I appreciate why suggestions to take your Mother out, telephone or use Skype might not be practical, or achievable.

I totally empathise with your situation and would like to offer the only way, as an impartial advisor, that I can see if persuading your sister, with whom your Mum lives, to relent.

A few people have made reference to the strain your sister is under in caring for your Mum. However close they are and however good, or otherwise, their relationship is, your sister is carrying a heavy burden. If you could suggest that your sister sees supervised visits by your sister to her Mum (preferably by a trusted outsider) as respite, it might be the best way of persuading her to relent?

I truly sympathise with the whole sorry mess and hope some compromise is achieved whilst there is still time...

Hithere You seem to enjoy being deliberately contrary on these threads. The OP has stated quite clearly that the fallout between the sisters occurred AFTER her mother had moved in with the other sister.

You have no right to keep constantly putting your spin on these matters. You can’t just dream up scenarios and then comment accordingly. Accept what the OP has told us or move on.

FWIW I think it’s cruel and yes, abusive, to deny this very elderly lady a visit from her daughter and I’d contact Age UK or similar to clarify if anything can be done.

I’d also add that with mother owning part of the house she has every right to have any visitors she pleases regardless of the daughter’s objections .

Traviata, thanks for your posts that update and answer some of the questions asked.

I empathise with your desire to help your mother and younger sister meet. Your mother's age and declining health make that feel more urgent. You have now clarified that the house your mum lives in is part owned by her and that she invested in improvements. Also, that the fall out between your two sisters happened after mum moved in.

Would the two sisters agree to some kind of family meeting? The facilitator could meet with family members, including your mum, before the meeting so s/he had an independent view of individual wishes and feelings. As your mother and sister do want to meet, the sister mum lives with is being very unreasonable. I'm not sure she is breaking the coercive control legislation because it seems in every other way, she is caring well for her mother.

Tickingbird

I happen to have a different point of view than the rest. That's it.

I think that it's good to put ourselves in the Mum's shoes and ask ourselves "Would I like to be treated like this?"

I do believe it an abuse of Mum's rights and I very much feel for the sister who is caught in the middle as well as all involved.

@Traviata is your Mum quite aware that your youngest sister does not agree to your other sister visiting and if so does she have any suggestions of how to resolve this?

That changes everything, reading the updates. If mum owns half the house, then younger sister should go out when the other sister visits. As Lavazzalst, asks, does mum know what’s going on. She may be the best person to sort it out, as she would have done when you were children. Hope you manage to resolve it.