Disappointed with son

Why do you expect a separate present from your son? Surely a present should come from both him and your dil. As it is you had a present from them and gd as you referred to it as a family present and you did say not to spend much.
Having said that I understand your disappointed. A bunch of flowers would have been lovely but as we are in lockdown difficult to do? I still believe it should be from all of them and not just your son.

It wouldn't bother me in the least not getting a present. We're all different but to put a £3 price tag on your gift and say it wasn't good enough beggers belief.

Apart from the lack of birthday acknowledgement you and your DH seem to be trying to be everthing to your family - parents, grandparents, childminders. Surely you know you have to either have a conversation with them explaining you can't do it all as well as you and your DH work too or just tell them no more as you have your own responsibilities to deal with. Your life sounds like you are constantly in turmoil. Yes families try to help one another but not to the detriment of others.

You really should count your blessings and enjoy what you have. This is trivial in the overall scheme of things. The fact that they trust you with their precious child speaks droves, and is far more important than obligatory cards and presents, which it would most likely end up being. As disco has said, you could end up losing a lot more than a few presents. It happened in our family too. Please don’t do tit for tat. That really is the slippery slope.

First time posting but this scenario got to me. I think i would concede to say that it’s obviously time for us adults to not give gifts and that you would far rather concentrate on gifts for the children, Birthdays etc. As far as the childcare goes I feel that is a gift in itself, you are entrusted with their care and it keeps us active and young.

I am going to have to say this, when my son was in his young teens he relied on his older sister to get card and pressie. Which she did. When she got older moved into her home my son met his partner. She never sent cards for birthdays or Christmas, he would send a card if he remembered so I wasn’t to worried his relationship with girlfriend wasn’t good
She had attacked him a few times, so I really was glad her name wasn’t on the card, then my gd came along and we got a card from her and my step grandson.
My son was killed by his partner in 2007 and we brought up
Our gd. Step grandson went to maternal grandad.
I have the few cards he sent me, so glad I didn’t throw them
away.

I can relate to you my daughter is 19 and i dont even get a phone call or a txt wishing me happy birthday I think its the generation to be honest, I’ve noticed they are very self centred. I’ve come to accept it but I dont like it I think its disrespectful and I could never do that to my parents, happt birthday from me in NZ xxx

My son has ignored me for 15 years no birthday, no mothers day, no Christmas cards now that is hard to take... but I get on with it. Fortunately I've got a super daughter and son in law that make up for that.

You are not being unreasonable. You and your husband deserve more credit for what you do and your family are lucky to have you.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable as such, it’s the way you are, and your grown up children should know this. We are just different. We don’t do presents for adults, unless it’s a landmark birthday. My MIL expected certain things, and this was one of the many things that lead to eventual estrangement. I looked after grandchildren while the parents worked, and it was such a privilege, and not fair for them really. I had had my time, and it almost felt like I was receiving a gift. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted paying for it. Well that would have defeated the object if nothing else. It sounds like you had a lovely gift, whether it was £3 or £300. Be careful, as this is the very thing that could cause problems further down the line.

I really think you had a little fuss made of you with the cake and chocolate and that your dIL was being thoughtful, your son wished you happy birthday.
I wouldn’t have really wanted more than that at our age, it’s usually only children that have a big fuss at birthdays except if they are big birthdays.
Regarding childcare only do what you and dh are happy with otherwise you could start resenting the time you are having with them instead of enjoying it.

In 'normal' times I look after my grandchildren - without expecting anything in return. In fact, it's a pleasure.

I sometimes (not usually or always) give adults birthday presents but I never send them cards. I'll text or email a 'Happy Birthday' so they know I've remembered.

They are adults, after all - so shouldn't expect anything much.

I always remember to send presents to children (still don't do cards as I can't see the point of them) as, of course, birthdays are very special to them.

We grow up though (well, most of us) and become less self obsessed, realise that everyone is very busy - and sometimes broke. Therefore, a simple 'Happy Birthday' message is quite enough!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pepper, ask your son if he loves you. Many people only give birthday presents to children, and think adults do not need little gifts for this and that.

If you need you son to help to pay for child care ask him in a friendly manner to do so, explaining you need financial help with the expenses , because your husband turned down a job offer to look after the child.

What have they bought in previous years and was this year hugely different?

I completely understand why you feel so upset. Don't buy him and his wife a gift when their birthdays come round.

My daughter and younger son always send cards and presents for my birthday. Elder son just doesn't really do birthdays! I also do, or rather did childcare for my granddaughter, before the pandemic. I would often stay over at theirs, and enjoyed it. But, elder son does impromtu gifts. The ipad he gave me, with my favourite colour - purple - leather cover; or the chocolates he knows I love.

As I have said before , you brought them up ?

Can't you just tell your son how you feel after all your disappointment is with him You don't need to argue with him .

That should have read - DGD

My eldest son doesn't buy me a present either. He is on his own . Just a card and birthday wishes. I don't mind in the least . He remembers and I don't want presents. There is nothing I need . Strange but I honestly don't lose any sleep over it . I supported him, not financially, when he was out of work for months but I never expect payback. He's a good son.

The cakes sound lovely - I always assume that presents from my AC are from them all as a family, rather than splitting it up as presents from each individual member. I presume you do not give separate presents from you and your OH when giving birthday gifts. I honestly think that the cake, the cards and the chocolate are a lovely gift from them ALL and to be treasured. Please don't be offended or upset. Better to have something that your DGD has put some trouble into than all the expensive gifts money can buy.

And do not change your childcare arrangements over this - sure, change them if there are other good reasons, but not out of a sense of pique over this present.

I honestly feel that present-giving can become a minefield where it need not be. I cringe at some of the posts on Mumsnet where people are questioning whether they have bought or spent enough, particularly for their children, for Christmas. When you get to our age you have everything you need, and a present that costs little but has had some thought put into it is by far the most valuable - like your cards and cake.

Your wonderful closeness with your DHD is to be prized above anything else. So please do not rock the boat unnecessarily. Your son and his family brought round a lovely gift and you are blessed.

Regarding birthdays he does know that I do not want a great fuss about birthdays a recognition and a thoughtful inexpensive gift is appreciated

I am puzzled, you have told him you didn't want a fuss, you didn't want anything other than an inexpensive gift, and that is what you received, chocolate, cakes with a candle and cards, I would have been thrilled that they had gone to so much trouble. I have one son who takes no part in buying me anything, entirely left to DiL to choose something and wrap it, and another one that ignores my birthday completely. Your DS did wish you happy birthday over speakerphone, I think he would be very surprised to think you thought he had neglected you. Sons generally leave the present organising to wives!

If you would like a more expensive present next time have a quiet word with your lovely, thoughtful daughter in law, making a joke of it, but you had told them not to! Or if you would like flowers, then again suggest they would be better for your waistline, and I am sure you would get a bunch.

You do a huge amount for them, and I am sure they really appreciate it. If you do feel a bit taken for granted (do they not say thanks when picking your GD?) then again a quiet word with DiL about what it is you would like them to do?

I am sorry if I have read this wrong?

pepper12 it sounds like you've had the chance to sleep on it and make some rational decisions together.
Your daughter-in-law being off work soon is a good opportunity to change your arrangements without falling out. The presents are not really important but good family relationships are.

Personally, like Grannynannywanny I would have assumed that the cake and chocolate were gifts from them all, you did say that you didn’t want a fuss made about birthdays, although I wholeheartedly agree that the expectation of a quick phone call from your son was not unreasonable. Regarding the caravan break, it is never a good idea to compare your family arrangements with that of another’s.

As to the childcare, I think that it is something that you will have to resolve with them both, giving them plenty of time to make alternative arrangements, but perhaps wait awhile until your present hurt feelings have subsided a little. You are obviously very fond of your grandchildren, maybe you could consider what is the minimal level of care that you would feel comfortable with, rather than come to an abrupt halt.

It is not unusual for problems to arise with long term arrangements and for one party to feel that they are being taken for granted as time drifts on. Many problems, not just family ones, can be resolved by just talking openly about how you feel, trying not to be too emotional, or apportioning blame. As a result of this wretched pandemic feelings have often become heightened - I do hope this all works out for you