Anyone awake please help

It may be that he's glossed over how big a row it was, while he's been staying elsewhere.
Don't let him just slide himself back into your life and your home without talking about it.
If you're afraid to mention it to him, that tells you something.

Have a think about the option of continuing the relationship but not living together all the time.

Did he ask if he could come back fix the fence and stay ?????
or did he just tell you hes coming back on Thursday ????
This is important, he seems to be really pulling your strings.

OK why not try... and I know its going to be hard for you, tell him you are going to be really busy on Thursday, don't tell him why you are busy, if he insists on knowing you're gonna have to lie women can always have something to do without a man having to be around, your spending time with a friend who needs your advice that sort of thing. You can do this by text much easier. Tell him you will TRY to speak to him Friday or Saturday. Leave it at that. Its just trying to take back control of your strings , you can pull them but not anyone else.
It seems as though you 2 are feeding one anothers' insecurities, although you won't recognize this but its very
common in some relationships. I'm not interested in his insecurities....I can understand his insecurities but really not interested. I have in the past only treated one person and never a couple at the same time.
Now for this word " insecurities" you can substitute the word, "hang-ups" or "baggage" or whatever the parlance people are using nowadays.

Jifncif thank you for caring, of course it's not intrusive, I need to talk and gain some peace of mind so I welcome your comments. He does goe silent and retreats into himself but doesn't like any interference from me. He says he just wants to be left alone to come out of it by himself. He then starts to behave as if nothing happened and from the beginning. But guarded. Almost to punish me from starting up again. He has been away for 4 days and has gradually started texting light hearted stuff as if nothing happened. And he said he is coming back on Thursday to stay - and fix the fence that was blown down by recent winds round here! What do you make of that?

Sorry Mambypamby but I'm getting hooked on this.........does he go "silent" during these slumps or episodes ? If so it sounds like someone who wants hear constantly " whats wrong" or "whats the matter" which can go on for days and so it triggers something in your subconcious which puts you into a "suspicious " mode.
Sorry ignore this post if its too intrusive

Baggs, thanks, in the beginning we appeared to be on the same page and very similar in the relateability stakes. However, as someone else has put it, (FarNorth?) recently he seems to be making only enough effort to "keep himself ticking over". He seems to like doing things for me like fixing fences the wind has blown down or putting up shelves etc. I usually praise the life and soul out of him and he is visibly ecstatic with that! Which of course is useful and helpful but then he slumps into this shell (he is Cancerian for those who believe in all that) and appears secretive. I can't bear that side to him because it makes me think he's plotting something. Like he's using me to feather his own nest. I know how suspicious that sounds but my worst fear is being used, not loved, as if someone is pulling the wool over my eyes. That goes for emotionally used as well, for support following his divorce and mother's death.

" I can't believe how nonchalant I feel about it, now. "
Mambypamby I hope that's a polite way of saying " I don't give a s... now, "

Isn't it amazing within a few hours from the depths of despair and feeling utterly miserable, we wake up in the morning and discover the most glorious day waiting for us, where I live the sky is incredibly blue although chilly, I have the day off so a shopping trip is awaiting , a new hair dye first on the list. The world is still turning and life still going on. Bless you all

Mambypamby

That is part of it Froglady yes.

Then I wish you well with it all; self esteem is such a difficult barrier to get over and realise that you do deserve happiness and that you are worth it.
And you are worth it.

Some people are difficult to relate to and just don’t “get” other people’s issues. This is not necessarily their fault but it definitely isn’t yours. It’s not always the fault of the one who bottles up and occasionally lets rip when “things go wrong”.

Good luck cooling things down. Would talking to a counsellor help you?

jifncif I like your advice much better than Alexa's

Mambypamby I'm so glad you feel a bit better now.

Excellent update Mamby!
I'm glad you are doing okay - see, it wasn't that difficult!
Onwards and upwards

A family member used to go from one relationship to the next, barely a gap in between, including one divorce.
In the end I said I thought some time on their own would be a good idea, and they should learn to love themselves first before they started another relationship. They agreed.
That was a couple of years ago and they're still single but seem more relaxed.

Thanks everyone I am really enjoying your replies, each one with something to takeaway even if harsh. And they're making me smile! I do feel so much better and, where at first the prospect of letting him go was like a bereavement, I can't believe how nonchalant I feel about it, now. It's good to talk :-)

I wouldn't tell him he could come back anytime he likes.......makes Mambypamby sound like a 24/7 convenience shop. I would tell him he's a spoilt selfish git, and how dare he make me feel bloody miserable and worthless. The B.....d

Well just a thought..........

You will have to let him go without a fuss, if he want to, however also tell him you love him and he can come back any time he likes.

Let him know he has been marvellous to put up with you as long as he has.
This will be you taking responsibility for your harsh words, nagging, neediness, or whatever it is he does not enjoy.

It does sound like this man is hard work too - resulting in you trying really hard with him while he backs away from you.

I don't know what efforts he's been making - whether they're aimed at maintaining a good relationship or just at allowing him to jog along easily.
Have a think about that.

I have come to realise that not all relationships, even lasting ones, are, or have to be, intimate and deep.

They also don't have to include living in the same place.
Perhaps you both could have a better relationship if you weren't together all the time.

Do you know you have taken the first step to realizing and discovering the make up and behavior of this person ? childish and spoilt,

WELL DONE YOU 10/10.......... you go girl

Thanks jifncif. How interesting, "prince" is exactly the expression that I use for a spoilt nephew who has been allowed to rule the roost by his first-time older parents. My mother calls my partner "his lordship" - tongue in cheek I should add!

This fella sounds like a " prince" ( NOT) I've treated many females ( and males) over the years when I was in practice and what my motto was " When the love starts hurting, GET OUT"
I was not put on this earth to be hurt were you?

Kandinsky

Doesn’t sound like a healthy loving relationship at all.
He sounds abusive tbh.

I agree with the first part, but not the second.
As I said upthread, it really shouldn't be this difficult.
Stop wasting time naval gazing; split up and see what happens.
If it is meant to be you will get back together.

That is part of it Froglady yes.

Could it be that you sabotage your relationships because you maybe feel you don't deserve any happiness and if you behave badly they will leave you and that will just reinforce your opinion of yourself? Maybe think about talking to your GP and getting yourself some counselling? In the past if I felt that a relationship was going too well I would pack it in as I always felt I had to finish it before they did, as I always assumed that they would.

Doesn’t sound like a healthy loving relationship at all.
He sounds abusive tbh.

Also, realising it can't just be me. He has subtle ways of pushing me back. His wife of 30 years and mother to his 5 children had an affair - she said due to his indifference toward her. I know that's not me it's her, but I can see that his distance in our relationship is heading that way.

Grandmafrench thank you for your considerate reply. I have tried to sleep but wake every hour with the sudden panic and realisation that I am about to face another upheaval- probably. Deep down my personal narrative is that I am hard work. Not at the beginning, but as a relationship progresses. I have come to realise that not all relationships, even lasting ones, are, or have to be, intimate and deep. Pecking someone's head is a good way to put it but that arises from my feeling that he is somehow creating a life that doesn't involve me. I may be imagining this, of course, but the former intimacy appears to have gone which I see as a sign. I am on constant high alert emotionally because of my past hurt. I don't know if therapy will help but I feel extremely intellectually isolated. Deep down I don't believe I am capable of, or deserve, a relationship.

I remember all the advice that you had earlier in the month (I think). It did seem then by what you said that he was possibly not going to be able to make the relationship work with you.

Now it does seem that even though he may have made quite an effort to make things work, you have pushed him too far. Pushed him perhaps because you want things to be perfect and you can't just leave things - and him - to evolve naturally and when they can.You also have trust issues. You are very articulate about how you see yourself and your own character, and honest too. Tonight you are clearly blaming yourself for a bad situation which you have created and instantly regretted. Some self control is necessary when you feel like escalating something late at night and you are likely to do and say stuff which normally you would stay well away from! Maybe he just cannot be what you want when you want it and he may feel that at times you are just such high maintenance that he wants to run away from you and your issues to somewhere where he doesn't have to face up to a lot of confrontation or conflict. It does sound as if you are very needy and quite hard work; maybe if you were to make a list of what you feel might count against your having a lasting relationship with a man...learing from .too many mistakes in the past .....you might get a better handle on how you feel and the behaviour which keeps recurring and is a pattern in your life. Some counselling would probably help you greatly. Ignoring what you feel is very bad advice from your Mother is probably the best idea until you are feeling stronger and more focussed on where you are going.

Definitely give him space. Don't keep going on and on "pecking his head" with every little thought or doubt that comes into your head. Let him think, let him work, let him spend time on his own and if he comes to some conclusions of his own, whatever they may be, you need to respect those and stop pushing. People who are pushed tend to either dig in their heels or give up. On giving up, if they then have to try to be what they're really not, they end up feeling and being resentful. That's no basis for any relationship.

You were sensible to reach out for help today. You were clearly very emotional and upset and it seems that you have now calmed down and would benefit from some sleep and a clearer head tomorrow. Try to remember that nobody's died. That's not a throwaway line, I honestly feel every sympathy for you. But you do need to take all the time that you need to try to heal yourself, get some help and, if necessary at this time, understand that you can function alone and outside of a relationship. Get yourself right and then you have the best chance of being happy. Keep battering something that is really not working and that's only going to make you more unhappy. Wishing you a better day tomorrow and promise yourself, please, that rows, confrontation, loss of control and real distress are not the best way to go through life. Fix yourself if you can and you stand every chance of a happy life. Good luck!