Husband has Abusive Step-Son

Family doesn't always give support though lemsip. One of my s's.i.l. first husband was abusive; when she she left him her mum, my m.i.l. encouraged her to go back.

Hasn't the girl got family, if so then it's them she should be leaning on for her support. Hopefully they will accompany her to the police to report the abuse!.......

David I agree re another perspective

The young woman did present you with a risky choice and IMO you chose wisely and kindly. However you should from now on not expect your husband to be as sympathetic as you would like him to be. Don't tell him stuff.

My answer to your question David is the same as Madgran's in both of her posts and I also agree that looking for another perspective is helpful.

Madgran77

*David 0205 Question. If a friend tells you that she is being financially or emotionally abused, do you believe every word.
What action would you take?*

In that scenario that you describe in your question, I would listen, ask questions as appropriate, possibly suggest other ways of looking at things/other perspectives depending on what she told me. I would use questions and make suggestions as appropriate to help her to find her own way forward in finding a solution to her problems as she describes/sees them

That is pretty much what I would do, if it sounded serious I would ask my wife/partner to check it out, another perspective is always helpful

It sounds like the apple didn't fall very far from the tree, unfortunately. You did the right thing, now look after yourself.

You did the right thing by your stepson's girlfriend. Nobody, but nobody should be a victim of abuse in any form.
Quite honestly, if my son was ill treating his girlfriend, as painful as it would be, I would want to know.
I have to wonder by your husband's reaction if there is a deeper history for your husband - maybe your husband has been aware about his son, possibly through past behaviour or it may be dredging up memories of his own father.

...and if there was clear evidence of physical abuse and danger I would support her in getting away to a place of safety

*David 0205 Question. If a friend tells you that she is being financially or emotionally abused, do you believe every word.
What action would you take?*

In that scenario that you describe in your question, I would listen, ask questions as appropriate, possibly suggest other ways of looking at things/other perspectives depending on what she told me. I would use questions and make suggestions as appropriate to help her to find her own way forward in finding a solution to her problems as she describes/sees them

Madgran77

*IMO know one should 'keep their nose out' if they've been alerted to the possibility that someone is being abused. That is why abuse is able to continue.*

Absolutely Smileless

Question.

If a friend tells you that she is being financially or emotionally abused, do you believe every word.
What action would you take

IMO know one should 'keep their nose out' if they've been alerted to the possibility that someone is being abused. That is why abuse is able to continue.

Absolutely Smileless

That is sad Hithere. It's awful that some people are trapped in manipulative, controlling and abusive relationships.

Good for you for 'getting in the middle'; I'd have done exactly the same.

His girlfriend, sorru

Thank you so much xx

Abuse victims need help from others to be able to get out of the situation.

"Mind your own business" is such a selfish attitude. It protects the abuser.
Do you wish people will give their backs to you when you need support?

I witnessed a cousin of mine treat his partner in such a verbally abusive manner.

His partner was such a sweet person but without fighting spirit and beat up by his boyfriend (my cousin). She also happened to be a trained psychologist.

Once at dinner with 10 more people, he got supermad and scolded her like a child because she ordered a pizza he didn't like.
Granted, he had his own pizza and her pizza was not going to be shared with him

She began defending herself for her choice and he continued scolding her why she didn't care about him and why she wanted to get him so angry

It was such an ackward and uncomfortable moment

I spoke up and said: "Were you planning on sharing the pizza?" The answer was no
"No big deal then! You ordered what you wanted and she did the same, enjoy your meal!"

She perked up so fast, smiled and told him "you see, it was not big deal."

The look my cousin gave 0me was not a happy one. Who cares, what a controlling bully

My parents were supermad at me because "I got in the middle of a couple and it wasnt my business and I should apologize to my cousin"

The next morning, her girlfriend was back to her submissive role while my cousin barked instructions at her - pack the suitcase, how come it's not done yet?, is the bed made? Have you had breakfast?

How sad.

Ive got a lot of sympathy with Sue, the trouble was not of her making, the obvious advice, if given, was to leave, the girlfriend sharing that with the boyfriend, then the boyfriend coming back to daddy was unusual and totally unforeseen. Her husbands reaction was way over the top, probably due to a greatly exaggerated tale by the son.
Sons often don’t like stepmothers so it was quite likely deliberate trouble making.

Any woman or man in danger needs to make sure their location is ON, on their mobile phone. Call 999, then press 55, if you are scared or too frightened to speak. The police will attend without the woman or man saying anything. It's important that we put an end to Domestic Abuse for either gender

IMO know one should 'keep their nose out' if they've been alerted to the possibility that someone is being abused. That is why abuse is able to continue.

She was still with him when she contacted me... and yes, I do have evidence... plenty...

I agree with your husband! Keep your nose out did he say? You have no need to be in contact with stepson' ex grlfriend and I wonder what her motive is for staying in contact with you! If it was -your- son and his ex was talking to your husband about your son how I imagine you wouldn't be too pleased!

I’m sorry but do you have any evidence that what she is saying is the truth? People can be very vindictive when they break up with someone and tell all sorts of tales. I am not saying that this is the case here but there are always two sides to a story. I also think that you should have kept your nose out of their business like your husband asked. It is very difficult for a future relationship with your stepson if you interfere. Having said that there is no excuse for your husband to scream abuse at you either.

This sounds like a case of "like father, like son"! For your husband to react that way makes him just as much as a bully as the son! Time to leave.

He’s abusing you. And I’m sorry but the fact his family so in ruins could be because of his abuse.
You don’t have to subject yourself to this because he’s a bit sad.

Take a leaf out of DILs book. Get out.

I think that you absolutely did the right thing. My work is in the field of criminal justice and in the past, I've worked with many victims of domestic abuse and have lost count of how many families of the perpetrators excuse / ignore or victim blame.

I'd also suggest that you speak to Womens Aid or a local support agency....being "sent to coventry" on a recurring basis is abusive and perhaps you need to talk things through with someone.