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Husband has Abusive Step-Son

(45 Posts)
Sue110 Mon 14-Dec-20 23:05:22

My husband is in denial about his son (my step-son) who was emotionally & physically abusing his girlfriend, he was also unfaithful to her... she reached out to me in desperation after leaving him. I’ve had lengthy chats with her & she’s had a hell of a life with him. So much has gone on I don’t know where to start but in essence... my husband didn’t want to hear what I was trying to tell him, he said it was their business & I should keep my nose out. I didn’t, I advised her not to go back. My husband found out & screamed abuse at me like a madman. Now for the past 5 days he hasn’t spoken to me because I took her word over his wishes. I feel like I’m going insane living with him. Is it me? Did I do the wrong thing? It feels like mental torcher to me & I do t know what to do now. Thank you for reading this

TrendyNannie6 Mon 14-Dec-20 23:16:15

You gave the girlfriend support as she needed it, and that can only be good, I’m glad she confided in you. You have done nothing wrong, poor girl! Your husband doesn’t want to hear what his son is capable of, your husband is acting very immaturely and shouldn’t be screaming abuse at you, the truth hurts I expect! You didn’t do the wrong thing at all, hopefully the girlfriend stays away and doesn’t go back,

Sue110 Mon 14-Dec-20 23:21:08

Thank you x

B9exchange Mon 14-Dec-20 23:25:43

I hate to say it, but it sounds a little 'like father, like son'. Do you really want to stay with him after he values other people's needs so poorly?

That poor girl, thank goodness she felt she could turn to you. I hope she is in a safe place now.

welbeck Mon 14-Dec-20 23:31:40

could be some misogyny going on there, as well as familial partiality.
also the fact that your husband screamed abuse at you, that is worrying. did he split up with his son's mother, if so why. was there any history of abuse by him to her.

Smileless2012 Mon 14-Dec-20 23:32:04

You did exactly the right thing Sue and hopefully your support and understanding has enabled this young woman to get out of an abusive relationship.

I'm sorry to say that I thought the same as B9exchange that perhaps your step son has some of his father in him. His treatment of you for helping a vulnerable young woman is also abusive.

Kamiso Mon 14-Dec-20 23:34:08

Does your husband have a quick temper normally?

You did the right thing. Imagine how you, and she, would feel if she ended up in hospital or worse.

You need to find the number of the local domestic abuse team. Ours has pens they give out with their phone number. Can’t remember what writing it has but doesn’t specify domestic abuse.

Obviously if she is willing to leave the local women’s refuge can help.

Sue110 Mon 14-Dec-20 23:56:36

Hello lovely friends... my husband sticks his fingers in his ears over any issues relating to his children. Everything is so complicated tbh, one son doesn’t speak to him, one son was in prison for 6 years & another ended his life. I’ve supported my husband through all this... but since I’ve known him, if I say something he disagrees with, he sends me to Coventry for days... then afterwards we don’t even talk through the issues that caused the problem. It’s my emotional well-being I’m worried about now. I’m 64, list my job through covid... I feel so trapped now...

TrendyNannie6 Tue 15-Dec-20 00:07:28

Sounds as though he doesn’t want to hear anything Sue110 but by not talking to you it’s like he is punishing you too, certainly not a happy relationship and so not fair on you. I think if it was me I’d have to leave I couldn’t live like it, you deserve more than this

welbeck Tue 15-Dec-20 00:22:03

so you've supported him but he isn't interested in supporting you. sounds a bit one-sided, more like a carer or support worker than a an equal partner.
has it always been like this.
what's your former step DIL doing now.
has she got a place of her own.
does she want a flat-mate.
OP please don't waste your life. it has value. you have value. try to be true to that. don't sacrifice your self.

Lavazza1st Tue 15-Dec-20 00:31:06

Sue110 I'm really sorry to hear this, but you have done the thing that felt right.

I just want to tell you, I have an adult abusive son ( his father is abusive too but that's another story) Just to say, I have been there and am still there when my son decides to send me to coventry, painful!

If your partner is sending you to coventry, that counts as emotional abuse. I'm really sad for you, but keep talking and don't keep it to yourself. You need help and support. It's been shown in studies that being ignored hurts as much as a physical injury, so you don't want to live your life being treated like this. Your feelings DO matter flowers

Hithere Tue 15-Dec-20 00:39:38

I agree like father, like son

You deserve better

mumofmadboys Tue 15-Dec-20 07:41:17

Your DH has obviously had a lot of worries and sadnesses with his sons before. Let this episode blow over and try and talk to him when he is calm. Maybe he feels he can't take any more concerns with sons. In the meantime you have done the right thing being there for your step DIL. Just try and take a day at a time and I do hope your DH comes round and starts to communicate.

David0205 Tue 15-Dec-20 07:48:59

You really shouldn’t say “like father like son” that’s escalating a sad state of affairs, it sounds like Sue had a perfectly satisfactory relationship with her husband. On this occasion he lost his temper which was wrong, let it cool down and hope things return to normal

Sue heard one side of the story from the GF, unless there was obvious signs of violence, the abuse may be exageration. The son obviously does not get on with her so the solution is to split up even if that means a refuge. Getting involved with other relationships is always going to come back to bite you, of course offer the GF sympathy, but it’s her decision to stay or leave, it’s up to the police and the various agencies to protect her if she does.

This sort of chat should always be in confidence, it obviously was not, she told the son and it snowballed from there. At least they are not married and children are not mentioned, best of luck Sue

janeainsworth Tue 15-Dec-20 08:23:42

I agree with mumofmadboys.
You did the right thing supporting your DiL & I’m sure she is very grateful to you, but at the same time, it must be very painful for your H to face the fact that his sons are such flawed characters & he must feel responsibility for that.
Remember the thing about shooting the messenger? Perhaps that’s what has happened here - your H has turned his anger & disappointment in his sons onto you, because he can’t express it to them. You say he has lost one son and another doesn’t speak to him - perhaps he is frightened of losing this one too & sees your support for DiL as taking sides and driving a wedge between father & son.
That’s not excusing his behaviour of course, just a possible explanation.
So if there are still other things in your relationship that make it worth staying, give him a bit of time. I hope things improve for you thanks

Madgran77 Tue 15-Dec-20 08:49:26

You did the right thing for DIL. Now focus on what YOU want you want to make the relationship work but change the unhealthy dynamic of "being sent to coventry/lack of discussion" OR do you want to work towards leaving/new life? Once you have decided that you can make a plan ...and others here and elsewhere can support and advise flowers

sodapop Tue 15-Dec-20 08:51:34

I agree with janeainsworth you are bearing the brunt of your husband's pain Sue110
However it sounds like this is an ongoing problem with him and you should not have to put up with this. Once things have settled down again see if you can talk to to him about how he reacts to his sons problems. You absolutely did the right thing in supporting the girlfriend.

Smileless2012 Tue 15-Dec-20 09:53:01

Your DH's history certainly explains his refusal to engage with this current situation Sue. I can understand him worrying about losing the relationship he has with this son, but that doesn't excuse his treatment of you.

IMO a relationship in which one of those concerned sends the other "to Coventry for days" is not "a perfectly satisfactory relationship" David. It's emotional abuse and is causing the OP to worry about her own mental well being.


grandtanteJE65 Tue 15-Dec-20 10:48:32

I honestly think you should seriously consider ending your relationship to this man.

To me, the behaviour you are describing is just as abusive as hitting you would be.

Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life?

I realise that losing your job will make it harder to contemplate leaving, but how about a new start somewhere completely different? You could apply for jobs anywhere you wanted, if you will be leaving this man.

NotSpaghetti Tue 15-Dec-20 11:04:02

David0205 the idea that you should only believe things are bad if there are obvious signs of violence is really an outmoded idea of domestic abuse.
Ideas like this is why most people working in the area stopped using the term "domestic violence" and changed quite deliberately to "domestic abuse".

Non-physical abuse is often way more damaging long term than the physical (though obviously not belittling any abuse here!).

All abuse is wrong.... and actually that includes being made to feel like you are going insane, basically because you didn't do as your husband wishes.

Dee1012 Tue 15-Dec-20 11:16:21

I think that you absolutely did the right thing. My work is in the field of criminal justice and in the past, I've worked with many victims of domestic abuse and have lost count of how many families of the perpetrators excuse / ignore or victim blame.

I'd also suggest that you speak to Womens Aid or a local support agency....being "sent to coventry" on a recurring basis is abusive and perhaps you need to talk things through with someone.

Bibbity Tue 15-Dec-20 12:10:28

He’s abusing you. And I’m sorry but the fact his family so in ruins could be because of his abuse.
You don’t have to subject yourself to this because he’s a bit sad.

Take a leaf out of DILs book. Get out.

PollyDolly Tue 15-Dec-20 12:14:53

This sounds like a case of "like father, like son"! For your husband to react that way makes him just as much as a bully as the son! Time to leave.

Bluebellwould Tue 15-Dec-20 12:21:24

I’m sorry but do you have any evidence that what she is saying is the truth? People can be very vindictive when they break up with someone and tell all sorts of tales. I am not saying that this is the case here but there are always two sides to a story. I also think that you should have kept your nose out of their business like your husband asked. It is very difficult for a future relationship with your stepson if you interfere. Having said that there is no excuse for your husband to scream abuse at you either.

lemsip Tue 15-Dec-20 12:49:28

I agree with your husband! Keep your nose out did he say? You have no need to be in contact with stepson' ex grlfriend and I wonder what her motive is for staying in contact with you! If it was -your- son and his ex was talking to your husband about your son how I imagine you wouldn't be too pleased!