I’ll try not to write a whole book, but I don’t want to leave any details out
I’m in my mid-fifties, my partner of 4 years is early 60s.
We met on-line, we don’t live together. He was widowed and left with 5 children 20 years ago. He’s had more tragedies in his life - his 21 year old daughter died, then a few years later his 18 year old son was left badly brain damaged in a car crash.
Through all this he had a platonic woman friend who supported him. They are still very close, phone every day, text repeatedly all day. I have grudgingly accepted this.
When we became exclusive we agreed to delete all online dating accounts, which I did. I later found out he hadn’t.
He then deleted them in front of me and I thought everything was going well.
However, last week I noticed a notification for a sex site pop up on his phone screen. I snooped in his phone.
He has made accounts on many hook-up sites. He has saved hundreds of explicit photos to his phone. He has messaged to arrange meetups.
But worse, there are 100s of photos of his “friend” - fully clothed, normal photos. There are none of me.
I confronted him. He said it’s research into scam sites. He said he’s sorry.
I am devastated - I had 2 abusive marriages previously. I thought he was different.
How Can I possibly carry on with this now?
Your post has reminded me of my poor Mum. When my Dad had to be hospitalised, she rushed to the hospital - and there was already a woman at his bedside. Do find someone who loves and treasures you, he can never be the person you need him to be.
Jaq64, the tragedies in his life are so bad he must divert his attention any way he can. Sexualised activities is the way he chooses to divert his attention from the horrors. It is not about you it is about the damage he has sustained. Your self esteem is not at risk.
This is disappointing for you. He is going to need more sacrifices than perhaps you can tolerate.
Definitely get out. But, also consider some counselling to explore why you choose such men. It looks like a pattern. Best wishes.
Extricate yourself NOW. Ask yourself why you are making wrong choices ( 2 abusive marriages and a very dodgy "partner".
Seek counselling.
Sent with sincerity, sympathy and concern for your welfare.
Not likely to change now .Think long and hard. Can you see another day with this guy? Start making plans .
Get shut. Good riddance to really bad rubbish. He’s vile. You deserve a thousand times better. Yes it’s a disappointment, but just see it as that and walk (run) away.
Pantglas2
You can’t- get out now while you’re still young enough to find someone decent.
I couldn't agree more Pantglas2. I divorced my abusive, alcoholic husband on mental cruelty and wished I had done it sooner for my sake and my children's too. He sounds like a very underhand man with dubious intentions towards the women on these sites. Research, my foot!
And why do you even have to ask? 
The guy sounds like a habitual liar. Sorry but unless you think you can enjoy a fake-exclusive relationship with a liar, it's over.
Take it from someone who was married for 40 years to someone like this, he will not change, this is who he is.
Don’t waste anymore of your life with him. Such convincing liars are scary.
Good luck for the future, you deserve better
Jac64
Thank you all so much. I know in my heart (and in my head) that you are all right.
But my god - it’s so hard. We have holidays booked for next year, everything.
Now the lot had gone - but I do hear you all - I never really had it in the first place.
Just wishful thinking on my part I suppose
I feel for you, what a horrendous situation. But hard as it is you clearly realise that you MUST go no contact. Some really good advice on how to do so from previous posters. I'll pray for you to make a successful complete break from this toxic man.
So sorry to hear your story. You do not deserve to be treated like that. How is trust possible when he has acted the way he has?
Look after yourself and do what is best for you, you deserve to be happy. Good luck.
I really feel for you but go with your gut feeling
Lots of love
Walk away. You deserve do much better than him. It’s a reflection on him not your judgement of him. I wouldn’t even let him know I was ending it. I’d just ghost him. Delete him and block him. Good luck for the future.
You already know in your heart that this so-called relationship is over . You are definitely worth more than this and have the strength and the power to walk away with your head held high.
Someone out there is waiting for you and for all that love you obviously have to give .
Once this Covid situation is sorted there will be so many people out there looking for love .Please don’t waste any more time this man .
Dump him and try and move on. You deserve better. Try and keep positive - join singles holiday trips, sign up for on-line classes. Walking groups and other activities.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
He's not worth it and you deserve MUCH better. I was embroiled with a (can't think of a polite word) person like that and had a lucky escape........there is always a 'genuine' reason why they have contact with others and have had 'such a hard life' - it may ot be complete fabrication but I would guess a fair bit of it is.
Get out with your dignity in tact - you are worth more
I'm sorry I'd be running for the hills. Secrets tend to finally show themselves. When I left my ex I found out the real man he was. I tried to forgive him for an affair with a work colleague after 1 year of marriage, but always had my doubts, especially as he always was on work conferences, etc. I found out after I left him for mentally abusing me to find out he had been the sly dog I thought he was and had been with other women. It made me feel I was inadequate and I did everything for him and his parents. Promises and lies were continuous, he didn't give a toss. Get out cos I found out a leopard doesn't change its spots.
well said..x
I'm afraid men like this don't change they just either hide it or lie (i should know) Once they are set in their ways this becomes a bad habit and he may give it up temporarily but if ever you and him argue or things slow down he will certainly reach back to it the fact you don't live together gives him ample opportunity to keep doing it and unless you can except the very high chance he is not going to stop, I'd get out give yourself a chance of decent honest open love, You may think its hard at our age but its not, I've been in your situation and i promise you, you will find someone you trust 100 percent who will give you everything you need and more, if you have to question this relationship that probably tells you more than any of us can, Its not right, xx
Get rid of him leopards never change their spots they only rearrange them to fool you. Plan your escape now. Don't be fooled into thinking hell change these men never change. I'm so sorry you've been hurt so badly with this.
People can become addicted to porn, which might be the reason he did this.
The point is you cannot trust him not to keep on going on dating sites etc.
A clean break now will hurt, but you will get over it.
It ought to be possible to continue to see his adult children, if you and they want to. If the brain-damaged boy has a guardian, you will need his permission, of course.
Speaking from experience, my advice to you would be to end it now. As others have said, you’re worth so much more. This man could so easily be my ex husband, except that he wasn’t a widower, nor did he have children. As for research into scam sites, he must think you were born yesterday! As if! It’ll be hard - and things at this time of year can be so much more emotional (my husband left me on Christmas Day a few years ago), but believe me when I say your future will be so much brighter without this pathetic excuse for a man in it. A very dear friend commented to me the other day how much I’d blossomed since divorcing my husband. The best is yet to come!
Do you love this man? Can you talk to him on a deeper level? Getting out of a relationship is so much easier said than done. Have you ever contemplated moving in together? Would he want to? Would you want to? Have you allowed yourself to be used as a babysitter/ helper to the disabled / holiday planner without any deal on his part? Either it is worth discussing your situation With him or it is not. If not, Let it go - as Frozen says! Good luck x
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »Get our top conversations, latest advice, fantastic competitions, and more, straight to your inbox. Sign up to our daily newsletter here.
