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So disappointed - what should I do now?

(181 Posts)
Jac64 Tue 15-Dec-20 19:08:59

I’ll try not to write a whole book, but I don’t want to leave any details out

I’m in my mid-fifties, my partner of 4 years is early 60s.

We met on-line, we don’t live together. He was widowed and left with 5 children 20 years ago. He’s had more tragedies in his life - his 21 year old daughter died, then a few years later his 18 year old son was left badly brain damaged in a car crash.

Through all this he had a platonic woman friend who supported him. They are still very close, phone every day, text repeatedly all day. I have grudgingly accepted this.

When we became exclusive we agreed to delete all online dating accounts, which I did. I later found out he hadn’t.

He then deleted them in front of me and I thought everything was going well.

However, last week I noticed a notification for a sex site pop up on his phone screen. I snooped in his phone.

He has made accounts on many hook-up sites. He has saved hundreds of explicit photos to his phone. He has messaged to arrange meetups.

But worse, there are 100s of photos of his “friend” - fully clothed, normal photos. There are none of me.

I confronted him. He said it’s research into scam sites. He said he’s sorry.

I am devastated - I had 2 abusive marriages previously. I thought he was different.

How Can I possibly carry on with this now?

Pantglas2 Tue 15-Dec-20 19:11:28

You can’t- get out now while you’re still young enough to find someone decent.

Lucca Tue 15-Dec-20 19:16:34

Such a lot of phone stuff.
I’d be off quick sharp !

Jac64 Tue 15-Dec-20 19:16:38

But why the hell would he do this? I can’t comprehend why he would throw everything away, for the sake of dirty pictures.

The obsession with the friend is a whole different thing though. He has sent her messages pleaded with her to call him more Frequently

Marthjolly1 Tue 15-Dec-20 19:18:19

I think it's very unlikely he is going to want change, for whatever reason he needs this other dimension in his life. You dont need this. You're worth a lot more. Look after your own needs, put yourself first. Time for a good look at your life and what you want for yourself.

Jac64 Tue 15-Dec-20 19:19:27

That’s exactly what my adult daughter said - and I know I should.

Jac64 Tue 15-Dec-20 19:21:30

I still gave young teen children who like him very much, and his disabled son calls me his stepmom. I have his grandkids every weekend.

I feel like the ground has fallen away from under my feet

Nannagarra Tue 15-Dec-20 19:21:55

Make a clean break now. No one should be treated like this.

Chewbacca Tue 15-Dec-20 19:25:55

See those hills over there Jac64? Run for them and don't look back. This man is neither trustworthy nor honest and you'll be looking sideways at him for the rest of your life, wondering if he's lying to you. Get out as quick as you can.

Situpstraight2 Tue 15-Dec-20 19:31:32

There’s a song by Nichola Shertzinger (probably incorrect spelling) it’s just one word called ‘RUN’ listen to the words........

Situpstraight2 Tue 15-Dec-20 19:32:43

Sorry it’s Nicole Scherzinger

TrendyNannie6 Tue 15-Dec-20 19:34:34

Oh goodness me, please do not stop with these horrendous man, he has no respect for you whatsoever! Sounds a total scumbag, Get out while you can, you deserve much more,

crazyH Tue 15-Dec-20 19:34:53

You are quite involved Jac64 - it’s going to be hard. Wish you all the best !!

Smileless2012 Tue 15-Dec-20 19:37:02

You can't trust this man Jac. Not only has been going behind your back, he lied to you when you found him out. Get out now while you're in your mid fifties; don't wait until you're in your mid 60's.

welbeck Tue 15-Dec-20 19:37:13

he's simply not who you thought he was.
so it's pointless asking why would he do this, risk so much for dirty pictures. that's not how he sees it at all. he is simply carrying on as he always has, just added you to the mix, for whatever reason, a bit of variety.
he has no intention or wish to change how he operates; if it suits him to have you around, then he will say whatever you expect to keep you on side.
just a well you are not living together, easier to get out.

V3ra Tue 15-Dec-20 19:41:46

Jac64 thank goodness you don't live together.
He's a greedy user who wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I think you and your adult daughter need to talk to your teenagers together and explain you won't be seeing this man anymore, though without going into any sordid details.

You could write to his disabled son and his grandchildren's parents and say your goodbyes.

Then cut all contact with him.
What a horrible shock for you, and how sad for everyone, but you really do deserve better.

petra Tue 15-Dec-20 19:47:22

You are a stranger to me, but I would say this to my dearest friend. Have you no pride? No self respect?
You don't need him. Time to put your big girl knickers on and kick this lowlife gobshite into touch.
No, it won't be easy but you'll survive and eventually you'll be a lot happier and hopefully meet someone who loves you more than his porn sites.

Sparkling Tue 15-Dec-20 19:51:34

Afraid you’ve made another bad choice, run for the hills. Start to put yourself first and like yourself more.

geekesse Tue 15-Dec-20 19:51:51

So what exactly is he ‘throwing away’? Childcare for his grandchildren and a convenient and free extra carer for his disabled son. Anything else you thought you shared was just him manipulating you. It’s unlikely he cares for you or your children at all.

You, meanwhile, have invested love and future hopes in a relationship that in reality is a creation of your own imagination and wishes. Walking away from it will hurt, but not walking away will destroy you. Go. Now.

BlueBelle Tue 15-Dec-20 20:02:44

I can only say the exact same as everyone else run run as fast as you can He has led a double life for 4 years and by goodness you ll be a very silly lady if you let him have another four days
I would not in the least trust that his wonderful friend is platonic ...who phones their best friend every day and constantly texts them during the day? ...oh yes pull the other one it has bells on you have been far to trusting he’s a 60 year old cad
I m afraid you ve had 3 abusive relationships Get out ASAP

Chewbacca Tue 15-Dec-20 20:06:34

Time to put your big girl knickers on and kick this lowlife gobshite into touch. grin That's what I meant to say! Thanks Petra grin

Sar53 Tue 15-Dec-20 20:07:33

Jac64 I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this dreadful situation. As others have said, you need to leave this 'relationship', you will never be happy or trust this man again.
Make the break, erase him from your life and enjoy life with your own children.
I wish you well xx

fevertree Tue 15-Dec-20 20:12:58

Jac64 sadly, I know from my daughter's friends who are all in their forties, and on dating sites, that many, many men just do not take their profiles down even although they "commit" to a relationship. Basically, they keep their options open and they often have no qualms about saying this to a new date.

As hard as it may be, you have answered your own question by the way you have expressed it how can I possibly carry on with this now?

It is a great pity that the children on both sides will be affected. Perhaps you can continue to have a friendship with this man - eventually.

Warm wishes.

rosecarmel Tue 15-Dec-20 20:15:12

But why the hell would he do this?

Because he's just another guy, like most- And what they don't store on their phones they commit to memory- They're shady as the day is long!

Jac64 Tue 15-Dec-20 20:21:21

Thank you all so much. I know in my heart (and in my head) that you are all right.
But my god - it’s so hard. We have holidays booked for next year, everything.
Now the lot had gone - but I do hear you all - I never really had it in the first place.
Just wishful thinking on my part I suppose