So disappointed - what should I do now?

It is hard but get out of this ‘relationship’. Don’t worry about the holiday or anything else but you. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Thank goodness you don’t live together as that would make it harder. There are some good men out there, he isn’t one of them. Good luck, you will be fine. Stay strong.

Very upsetting when you've placed all your trust in him. However, he hasn't respected you at all. Things will never be the same again, so what's the point in hanging on and getting more and more hurt?
Break free while you are still young enough to fight for a new life for yourself.

I’m so sorry Jac but this man is a user. Plenty of them about. Take some time and really think about the kind of man (if any!) you’d like in your life. Make a list of the qualities you regard as essential and how you want and deserve to be treated. What you uncover might surprise you and it feels good to know your own worth and how much value (or not) you put on yourself. You seem like a kind caring good person. You deserve the best. I wish you every happiness. Now go. Far away from this chancer. ?

If someone truly loved you and cared about your feelings they wouldn't do what he has done. I really hope that you find the strength to walk away.

Please, get rid of him now . This will end badly and you’re worth more. He has no intention of being faithful or respecting your feelings. You can do better. X

I can't add to what's already been said. Except to wish you luck

Your story sounds so familiar I’m sad to say.. I too was in the same position as you, but stupidly I moved in on the promise of the world for me and my 2 young sons. I was a cleaner, babysitter and eye candy on his arm( if) he took me out. My children suffered because I didn’t get out( even though I knew I should) in the meantime he had god knows what going on behind my back, countless open sites and yes we did split up but he wooed me back, knowing I loved him.. he was on loads of dating sites, some in different countries to women as young as 19 ... I wish with all my heart I’d have been stronger earlier.. it would have saved so much heartache for so many. Please please listen to the comments.. like my friends.. I thought how could he, the answer.. easily, as he “COULD” he won’t ever change. You’ll be in the wrong of course.....he won’t think for a minute he’s in the wrong... let go now. It will be hard, very hard, 4 years is a long time to give to someone, but if I can walk away after 10... you can too. You deserve so much better. And you will be happier, you can’t stay with someone you can’t trust, it will eat you alive, make you doubt yourself, and he’ll happily watch you suffer. You’ll lose “you”... I beg you, don’t let him do this to you. Get out now. Good luck my lovely. Let us know how you’re getting on.
We can’t all be wrong can we? ?

Sorry, that should be *their. ?

My friend, of a certain age, has recently found out that her (now deceased) husband had a secret life whilst they were married. He even had another child that she'd never known about. She is beyond devastated. My point is: don't waste your life on 'players'. They're prime priority is themselves and that will never change. Not a great trait for a successful partnership. Like almost everyone else on here has said, kick the waste of space into touch and go get yourself a real man.

This is an awful place to find yourself in but listen to your head and not your heart. The feelings that his actions evoke in you are the worst ever. I spent far too long trying to convince myself it would be ok, when my ex used to spend all night on his laptop and slope off for hours with no explanation, all the time making me feel like I had a problem. He had many issues that affected my life and mental health, please don’t let this man change the person you are because it will trust me. His unacceptable behaviour is exactly that unacceptable. Never mind the holiday or any other plans you may have, if you’re not happy that will not change, no matter where you are if your with him. Be brave take back your life and move on, sorry to ramble I wish you all the best.

I would end it with him and find someone who is honest and more deserving of your time .
He is a user never mind about holidays you have planned I have gone away on my own often and there are plenty of other people on their own of all ages .
Try to be strong I know it’s not easy but you can do it

Ditch him. He is not who you thought he was and he is playing on your sympathy.

Run for the hills and don't look back .

He is not worth another minute of your time. Take care of yourself xx

Oh Pet, I'm so sorry, if I could wrap my arms round you I would. Sadly this man isn't YOUR man, he is a rat bag. Please drop him like a bad smell. It's really sad about his children who you have taken on physically and mentally, but you need to grasp distance between him and yourself. Holidays are a disappointment but n o t a tragedy.

I get the feeling t h at you share my problem of loving others instead of yourself. This man is hurting you, he can not and will never be trustable. You are worth so much more, and once you recover you will see this. I learnt the hard way that you need to kiss a l o ad of frogs before you find your prince

Don't just settle because you don't want to be alone. Your worth more than that. Get out now and go and find someone worthy of you. Leopards don't change their spots!

So what kept him from having a relationship with his platonic friend? Does she know about you? Didn't she want to give him sex? Or does she? Do you know the answers to these questions? He got the best of both - or more - worlds, having you physically, and all other things virtually. He probably assumes you are thankful for his attention. What cheek!

I'm so sorry you have to cope with this now. You have coped before and you will manage to get through it. Best wishes my thoughts are with you.

Run, run, run and don't stop until you get where you want to be.

Jac64
I have not read all the replies but I would recommend
www.chumplady.com/
You will see on that site lots of people who have been blindsided by infidelity and lack of respect from the people they have trusted the most. You are of use to him doing the work of the wife appliance while he is free to pursue his fetishes. Is this relationship acceptable to you?

this man is a predator and you are being used. Because you are a kind loving person and you are seeking a companion he knows you are a soft touch and he has no respect for you whatsoever. He will take what he can before he moves on and he is researching for the next person all the time. so sorry he got you hooked. Do hope you can get off his hook and meet a kind normal friendly compassionate person.

This is not the best season to be doing this. But you must. All the best.

petra

jac64
You are a stranger to me, but I would say this to my dearest friend. Have you no pride? No self respect?
You don't need him. Time to put your big girl knickers on and kick this lowlife gobshite into touch.
No, it won't be easy but you'll survive and eventually you'll be a lot happier and hopefully meet someone who loves you more than his porn sites.

Absolutely 100% agree. Couldn't have said it any better..........RUN for the hills....

Get rid......find a normal, less complicated partner! Good luck!

I feel sorry for you, discovering he is not the man you thought he was. Better to find out out now that he is sleazy and deceitful than to have wasted more time on this relationship. Perhaps you checked his phone because you had an idea that all was not well. Don't blame yourself for looking and best wishes for 2021!

The relationship has reached a point where you have to decide whether to continue (knowing what you now know).

Snooping into another's personal phone or computer info (or pockets) is never a good idea!