Sorry porn again! and more

Thanks Fuchsiarose. Sadly it took me 37 years to escape but at I least I did it in the end.

BlueBelle

Is this your first post jasmine if so welcome it sounds like you did the right thing getting out

And from me!!

Well done vampire queen. You are one of us, strong women, who dont give idiots the time of day, or control over our quality of life.

Watching porn is one thing but all the rest is just downright weird. Ogling the neighbour and young women. That's disgraceful. Blaming you for being 'demanding'. Refusing to work when you work full time. This is emotional and financial abuse.

You have escaped. Don't go back. My ex was an emotional and financial abuser. He's convinced most people (including DDs) that it's all in my head and that in fact I was the problem. But, you know what, despite the struggle with DD relationships (they sided with him) I wouldn't turn back the clock. Once I escaped I realised just how weird my life had been. No one should live with emotional and financial abuse and tbh your husband also has some very sleazy pastimes.

I meant decreasing, but actually, deceasing would still work!

It sounds like you’ve done the hardest bit, you’ve moved out. Just to throw in a different aspect of all this, could it be he feels his sex drive is diminishing, and he’s trying to give it a bit of a nudge? I know you say you’ve always turned a blind eye throughout your marriage, but how long is that exactly? Is he actually the opposite of what you think? A man with a deceasing sex drive, who is quite low about it all. Has it gradually got worse? If he’s always been like it, even as a young man, why on earth did you put up with it? and have children with him?
You’ve got out, now stay out would be my advice, unless you think there may be some mileage in what I’ve just asked.

"Still working" gives more than financial independence it gives self esteem. Jasmine, I am not sorry for you ; on the contrary I admire your independence and your tolerance of his faults.

He could be worse. He does not attack you. He seems to lack interests apart from sex. Do you not find him rather boring?

He was crouched over trying to look up her see through dress isn’t that a criminal offence ?

I'm a bit puzzled by that statement.
If it was see through why did he need to crouch down and look up it?

This is all very odd.

I feel like Chewbacca - soiled by reading this thread about a pervert and his wife who has turned a blind eye to his perversions for so long, not to mention a son who seems to think this behaviour is normal.

Oh, dear! There are some unkind posts on this thread. The poor OP was, and perhaps still is, being gaslighted. She asked for support, not criticism.

Well done for leaving. Of course it is hard but, stick with it, girl. After Christmas, go and see a solicitor. CAB should be able to direct you to one who does the half hour sessions for free, if you can’t afford to pay.

I am glad to read you are still working. That gives you some independence and something to fill your days. Look after yourself and DO NOT GO BACK! Good luck.

You have done the right thing moving out. In your place I would also contact the neighbour and let her know what is happening.

Jasmine why do you feel like the bad guy! How on earth have you stayed with this disgusting man so long, he’s a sexual predator, I’m quite surprised your son seems to think all this is a bit of babestation! Crouched behind a girl trying to look up her dress,watching a neighbour through binoculars etc, etc. I’d have run for the hills years ago and never looked back, I’m suprised he’s not been caught and put on the sex register, I do wonder though if he’s ill

You have made the break now Jasmine so don't go back. I understand how you feel, it takes a long time to get things straight in your head after such a major life change. Don't look back, move forward slowly and make a better life for yourself. Of course there will be times when you feel down or wonder if you have done the right thing but this will ease over time. I wish you well.

I would say lots of men and women view porn, however I think once people are aware of the abuse involved in lots of porn, they really should think about whether they want to use a format involved in such abuse.

Dorsetcupcake61; you have said exactly what I have been thinking. I think viewing porn is far more common than a lot of women think it really is, I would go so far as to say most men have looked at it at some point in their lives, some would deny it so as not to hurt their partner/spouse, others just hide the evidence better. I also find the voyeurism troubling and wonder if he has some other underlying issue that has caused him to behave so outrageously.
The bottom line though is, you are unhappy with him, so leaving is better for you.

I think the amount of men(and women) who access porn might surprise some people. For some it doesnt affect their lives however there is growing concern about how it is affecting mental health of young men and women.
The material your husband,and maybe son can access now couldnt be legally bought 25 years ago and if it was it was a complex process and in video form. Now its instantly available on a phone.
This could be in part why your husbands behaviour has accelerated . Page 3, lingerie pictures etc almost seem in teenage boy territory.
The voyeurism and peeping tom aspect is disturbing and it's a wonder he hasnt got into trouble . His behaviour does appear coercive. For those they say they would leave at the first sign maybe they would. For many it is a very gradual process with incidents being smoothed over or explained away by for instance saying everyone looks at page 3 and maybe accusing the OP of being silly or prudish. Eventually something happens that highlights the issue and theres no doubt left.
Even if your husband admitted the problem it would be a difficult process. As he denies any problem ,in fact actively says it's your problem if you were to return his behaviour could escalate further.

Jasmine, it sound very much like your H is gaslighting you.
I commend you for realising you don’t deserve this sort of treatment and leaving.
I don’t know if you would be emotionally strong enough, but would you consider reporting your H to the police? Spying on your neighbour in her bedroom through binoculars is him being a sexual predator.
Does your son have a significant other? This isn’t just a bit of porn, this is worrying predatory behaviour - maybe ask DS how he’d feel if a much older man was spying on his SO changing etc through binoculars?
I’m not really sure how to put this next bit other than bluntly and I apologise unreservedly if this is not or was not the case for you, but you mentioned your H used to wake you up for sex. I just wanted to mention that sexual coercion is a crime and pressuring a partner excessively to have sex and using emotional abuse is a common tactic used by abusers. There are organisations that can help to deal with the trauma of an abusive relationship. Stay strong and treat yourself kindly OP.

I feel Jasmine has been suffering for a long time, and reached breaking point. I am pleased she has left this odious man. Being alone is not so bad when Jasmine becomes used to living her life and going forwards. She will become stronger, and wonder why she stayed so long. Shes a brave woman, and there are many women out there who are wishing they had a new start from a situation like this. Well done Jasmine.

Jasmine does say she has moved out! Some women stay with violent abusive men for years before summoning up the courage to leave.

He’s a sex pest, and if you hadn’t been protecting him as his wife, he’d probably be on the sex offender’s register by now. You are not the bad guy - my only question is why did you put up with all this for so long?

Actually, I wish I hadn't opened this thread; I feel tarnished and revolted having read it and by Jasmine's enabling of her husband's long standing behaviour towards women.

I fail to see what is confusing Jasmine
He is a lech, a peeping Tom and also breaking the law by “upskirting”
A sad old git frankly - what is there to like in the situation?
You say you are working, he is retired, what is keeping you?
I am at a loss as to why you have, as you say, turned a blind eye to his habits in the past - he is not normal you know?
And if your son regards his father’s pathetic habits as “babestation”(whatever that is) I fear there is another problem on the way.

Dozens ??? minerva

You ve turned a blind eye to him ‘*’doing stuff’*to the lingerie pages of my mail order catalogue the mind boggles that’s sounds about enough to have me running before he got to page 2
He was crouched over trying to look up her see through dress isn’t that a criminal offence ?
You drank too much and ended up in A and E
I m finding it hard to get my head around all this drama which you seem to have accepted for 39 years !!!
The mind boggles

I'm surprised he's got away with it so long.

Let's hope he doesn't for much longer Callistemon. Women need protecting from men like him.

I just took a look - first time I swear - and there are indeed dozens of posts about husbands and porn.
Just in the interests of research, Minerva?!
?

I'm surprised he's got away with it so long.

Taking this at face value: Jasmine from the way you've described your husband he sounds a menace to women; particularly young women. Keeping binoculars by the window so that he can lech your neighbour in her bathroom and garden and looking up a woman's "see through skirt" when out in public are against the law and frankly, if I thought for one minute that your husband was invading my daughter's privacy in this way, I'd do everything in my power to get him arrested.