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Sorry porn again! and more

(44 Posts)
Jasmine4 Fri 18-Dec-20 21:37:11

Hi, don't really know where to start! I'm really down and lost at the moment, recently left my husband of 39 years for a 'trial separation' as couldn't put up with our lifestyle and his behaviour any more, why do I feel like like the bad guy in this?

I've always turned a blind eye to stuff throughout our marriage, catching him 'doing stuff' to the lingerie pages in my mail order catalogues, finding newspapers of page 3 girls in the bathroom, dirty mags in our bed etc.... until about a year ago, we had got for a day out to the seaside with our daughter and partner and he vanished in an amusement arcade (normal for him to wander off and leave me alone!) I went to find him and was shocked when I did! I saw him eyeing up a very young blonde, early 20s I would think, much younger than our daughter anyway, when I say eyeing up, he was behind her crouched over trying to look up her see through dress! I was so shocked and upset but tried to hide it and didn't mention it at the time, becoming suspicious I then took more notice of his behaviour when we were out and everytime something similar happened, usually ogling young women, particulary looking down their cleavage, this happened on several occassions, each time I never said anything. Breaking point came when came home from work to find he had been watching porn, I work full time and he 'retired' at 55 and refuses to get a job, to make matters worse it was on a day a very close family member passed away, I was mortified by this. this followed on by smutty videos on you tube, staying up till 1 or 2 am and then waking me up for sex, told me he watched the porn before having sex with me as I was too 'demanding' and wanted sex too much and he needed it! I got more and more depressed, drunk too much, argued too much and ended up in A&E twice! He involved our children and they took his side as he told them it was all in my mind and I was crazy! Have since spoken with my daughter and told her everything and she understands what has been going on and is so supportive, my son still thinks it's just a bit of 'babestation' and can't understand my upset! I have spent time watching him while working from home during lockdown, and he has admitted to 'watching' our blonde 27 year old neighbour in her back garden and in her bathroom (she has no blinds so fully visable) and on numerous occasions while I have been at work, they are both home all day. I also found binoculars in the hallway window but apparently watching 'planes'! All of this has driven me to dispair so I left about 8 weeks ago and rented a house, most of my belongings I left behind. I'm so confused right now he's asking me to go back but has refused couples counselling as 'he doesn't have a problem' and it's all in my head! I know it isn't but he's making me doubt myself, just needed to vent. sorry....

OceanMama Fri 18-Dec-20 21:51:59

I'm sorry you're going through this. I couldn't accept this kind of behaviour from my husband either. Especially trying to violate women by looking up their dresses bothers me. Or watching the neighbour in her bathroom. Of course this is a confusing time for you. Do you have a friend who can support you and listen well at this time? Maybe talking to a professional would help you sort through all the feelings? He's not going to change while he thinks he hasn't got a problem.

Jasmine4 Fri 18-Dec-20 22:02:10

Thank you for reply OceanMama, I have been having private counselling but can't afford it now I've moved out, it did really help me see things clearer though. He's basically said I can 'come back when I've sorted myself out'! but nothing is going to change if I go back, confused why I'm so down at the moment, maybe because I've never been on my own before.

lemongrove Fri 18-Dec-20 22:10:49

Why porn ‘again’?in the OP title, isn’t this your first post on Gransnet?
Unbelievable behaviour isn’t it?

OceanMama Fri 18-Dec-20 22:11:51

Jasmine4, this is a huge life change for you and, on top of it all, your husband is blaming you and denying any responsibility for the problems. Of course you are down. Do you think you are grieving your marriage, the marriage you thought you had or wanted?

Just as food for thought, and take this with a grain of salt as I do not know a lot about it, is it possible that your husband could be developing dementia? I believe that loss of inhibitions and inappropriate acting out can occur in some people with dementia. Is it out of character? Have you discussed this with a medical professional?

EllanVannin Fri 18-Dec-20 22:13:56

You've got two choices---go back and put up with the perversion ( he won't change ) or remain on your own with peace of mind.
I know what I'd choose !

BlueBelle Fri 18-Dec-20 22:17:32

Is this your first post jasmine if so welcome it sounds like you did the right thing getting out

Jasmine4 Fri 18-Dec-20 22:25:05

Thank you so much for your replies really helping me to realise I'm not 'crazy' I feel like I'm grieving tbh, really weird feeling, I feel really stupid as I thought he only had eyes for me! He says it was just 'window shopping' and to lighten up! he makes me feel like I'm over reacting, maybe I am!

Jasmine4 Fri 18-Dec-20 22:27:01

It's my first post, just needed to vent sorry. I put 'porn again as there seems many posts on this subject.

Callistemon Fri 18-Dec-20 22:33:24

I'm surprised no-one has reported him by now.

Callistemon Fri 18-Dec-20 22:34:05

I put 'porn again as there seems many posts on this subject.
Can't say I've noticed one before now.

Luckygirl Fri 18-Dec-20 22:39:06

Stay away - right away from this man - for good.

lemongrove Fri 18-Dec-20 22:40:21

Callistemon

^I put 'porn again as there seems many posts on this subject.^
Can't say I've noticed one before now.

....and am sure you have looked really well Callistemon😄

Lucca Fri 18-Dec-20 22:41:21

I thought it was a religious thing for a minute

lemongrove Fri 18-Dec-20 22:45:24

It’s a terrible warning to us all never to wear see through dresses when visiting the seaside😱 ( what is a see through dress btw)?

Callistemon Fri 18-Dec-20 22:46:48

I've just packed my summer clothes away but perhaps I should charity shop the see-through ones.

Chewbacca Fri 18-Dec-20 22:48:33

Porn again? Are there some others? <<she said, excitedly whilst trying to appear nonchalant>>

Minerva Fri 18-Dec-20 22:53:52

lemongrove

Callistemon

I put 'porn again as there seems many posts on this subject.
Can't say I've noticed one before now.

....and am sure you have looked really well Callistemon😄

I just took a look - first time I swear - and there are indeed dozens of posts about husbands and porn.

I’m sorry about your predicament Jasmine4. Personally I wouldn’t want to remain in such a situation. If your husband continues looking up skirts he is going to end up getting caught and prosecuted.

petra Fri 18-Dec-20 23:00:37

So you thought he only had eyes for you when he was ( I won't say it but you all know what I mean) over your lingerie.
Smutty mags in your bed, page 3 in the bathroom.
And then your shocked when you find him watching porn.
Your having a laugh.

Chewbacca Fri 18-Dec-20 23:04:11

Taking this at face value: Jasmine from the way you've described your husband he sounds a menace to women; particularly young women. Keeping binoculars by the window so that he can lech your neighbour in her bathroom and garden and looking up a woman's "see through skirt" when out in public are against the law and frankly, if I thought for one minute that your husband was invading my daughter's privacy in this way, I'd do everything in my power to get him arrested.

Callistemon Fri 18-Dec-20 23:04:19

I just took a look - first time I swear - and there are indeed dozens of posts about husbands and porn.
Just in the interests of research, Minerva?!
😁

I'm surprised he's got away with it so long.

Chewbacca Fri 18-Dec-20 23:06:39

I'm surprised he's got away with it so long.

Let's hope he doesn't for much longer Callistemon. Women need protecting from men like him.

BlueBelle Fri 18-Dec-20 23:13:28

Dozens ??? minerva

You ve turned a blind eye to him ‘*’doing stuff’*to the lingerie pages of my mail order catalogue the mind boggles that’s sounds about enough to have me running before he got to page 2
He was crouched over trying to look up her see through dress isn’t that a criminal offence ?
You drank too much and ended up in A and E
I m finding it hard to get my head around all this drama which you seem to have accepted for 39 years !!!
The mind boggles

MawBe Fri 18-Dec-20 23:14:03

I fail to see what is confusing Jasmine
He is a lech, a peeping Tom and also breaking the law by “upskirting”
A sad old git frankly - what is there to like in the situation?
You say you are working, he is retired, what is keeping you?
I am at a loss as to why you have, as you say, turned a blind eye to his habits in the past - he is not normal you know?
And if your son regards his father’s pathetic habits as “babestation”(whatever that is) I fear there is another problem on the way.

Chewbacca Fri 18-Dec-20 23:46:46

Actually, I wish I hadn't opened this thread; I feel tarnished and revolted having read it and by Jasmine's enabling of her husband's long standing behaviour towards women.