Do you spend similar on adult children & partner

This year, being different, I got 'stocking fillers' for them all then a cheque each for the same amount. SIL has proved his worth, and I was unable to get out to buy him something

My daughter in law is so absolutely lovely to me that I am happy to spend on her exactly the same as what I spend on my son.

Only buy for GC now. If their parents insist on buying for me I ask for small things - photos of the GC or little things GC have made or chocolates.

This year we spent more on our dil than our son and more on our daughter than our future dil. I had already got a good idea of what everyone would like (had to ask son and daughter what their partner would like). It just depends on what everyone wants. I am toying with the idea of suggesting secret Santa next Christmas though

@OceanMama I’m not sidelining her. But my primary relationship is with my Som and Grandchildren. I don’t see why that’s sidelining DIL.

@25Avalon Sorry, I don’t know what her parents gift them. Yes I will do a joint present for future Christmases.

@Galaxy Thanks, I didn’t think it odd either and genuinely didn’t set out to upset anyone.

@MamaCaz Surely he could have mentioned it another time, more casually though rather than on Christmas Day. Yes because my Son has upset me purposely whereas anything I did was unintentional.

I have called him this morning and he was quite short on the phone. Said it was early and they were really busy so it wasn’t a good time to talk. So reading between the lines, he is probably still angry with me.

Saranine, you might think it is something silly but, if this sidelining of DIL seeps into other interactions, it's not silly at all. It sounds like it's creating tension and that puts the whole relationship in danger.

Saranine
"I have taken on board what he is saying. I just wish he hadn’t caused a bad atmosphere."

Can you still not see that it might possibly be your actions that have caused a bad atmosphere, rather than his calling you out on it?

"He has form for saying things that cause upset or messaging me after we have seen them to tell me things I have done wrong!"

It sounds like you still can't contemplate the fact that you might be in the wrong regarding the present-giving, so it's equally possible that you have said or done other things that are also hurtful to them but you can't see that either.

"My husband is really angry that he’s upset me so I think I am going to ring my Son in the morning and hopefully sort things out. Otherwise my husband will call him and probably make things worse."

Sounds to me like your husband is wanting to do exactly what you are criticising your son for: to stand up for you, his wife.
Yes, it would probably make things worse, and cause "a bad atmosphere", the very thing you accuse your son of doing.

I can't really see how you can sort things out with your son if you still can't even begin to see things from his point of view.
What do you expect from him -that he backs down and apologises, and agrees to let any unacceptable behaviour from you pass without comment in the future?

Good luck with that, but if he loves and respects his wife, that isn't going to happen!

I think it depends on the family dynamics and how people feel about it, my fil buys differently for me than my dh, I am not the slightest bit upset about it and would think it odd if he bought the same for me as for his son.

You are making your son unhappy. Do it for him. It is what he wants and not unreasonable.

Saranine what do dil’s parents give them? Do they do the same as you?

@V3ra Yes but I just feel a close bond to my Sons and grandchildren. Me and this DIL have never been close. We just aren’t very similar and don’t have much to talk about. I have tried.

@Daisymae Yes I think in future I’ll just buy them a hamper to share.

@25Avalon I would hope they wouldn’t distance themselves over something so silly. It’s just difficult to feel close to her. It feels quite false. Whereas I have much more in common with my other DIL and I still dont give her the same amount as my Sons.

Saranine they have 3 children and you don’t think dil minds? That is rather insensitive. Obviously the poor girl knows what you’re like and whilst she has accepted being unfairly treated as she probably knows a full scale war might break out, your son minds on her behalf. You will always be his mum, you don’t need to show him that by giving him extra presents, you need to accept and treat his wife in the way that he would like you to. Is that too much for him to ask or for you to do?

There are many on here with heartbreaking tales of estrangement for doing much less or even nothing at all. Don’t be one of them. You have a good dil. Show her.

Take it in board and give them the same. I wouldn't dream of doing anything else.

Saranine I think you're overthinking the blood relationship angle.
Presumably you consider your three grandchildren to be your blood relatives? Yet they're only half yours. Half of them belongs to your daughter in law.
If she and your son have been together long enough to have three children together, I really think it's time to acknowledge that she is truly part of your family and treat her the same as your son.

@25Avalon They have recently had their third child. Thankfully we see them fairly regularly so I don’t think DIL minds. I think it’s my Son who is being the awkward one.

One DIL has returned any gift we ever gave her. Now I give her a gift card for Amazon in an amount that is generous. I cannot change her, but I can control my own actions. My other DIL would be appreciative of anything I give her. She especially seems to enjoy something handmade. She is a special gift to my son as well.

So your son is more important than your dil. Carry on that way then if gc come along you are going to end up excluded. Your ds now owes his allegiance to his wife and good on him for saying so. Please, please do not be unkind to your dil or it will come to no good.

I’ve never thought about this situation before but I think my current method of buying gifts would be fair. I buy everyone the same small token present, usually something quirky, this year they all got funny slippers, rudolf reindeer for the men and fluffy cats for the women. I then bought £100 vouchers for each couple and gave my sons new girlfriend a £50 one. My own children got a couple of small presents costing roughly the same and I transferred a large sum of money into their bank account to spend on what they like. I was more generous this year as I’ve not spent as much during the pandemic and they have both bought their first houses so there are lots of things they need. It’s their money now, I don’t mind what they spend it on and they don’t need to tell me. Last year they got a smaller sum of money, next year, who knows what amount I will decide to give them!

I know they love me regardless of what I buy them, they show their love in so many ways over the year.

42Saranine

@MamaCaz I would be upset. But that’s because me and my husband are equal relations to my Son.Whereas obviously Son is my child and DIL isn’t.

No, but they now a couple, and she is an equal part of it. Your son obviously feels that your unequal present-giving doesn't reflect that, and is hurtful or unfair in his eyes.

What you do in the future is obviously your choice, and several good suggestions have been made.

You don't have to spend more money. You just have to stop giving in such an uneven-handed way, regardless of the fact that he is your flesh and blood and she isn't.

Now that you know that it upsets your son, it would be very unwise not to take heed and act accordingly in the future.

@OceanMama I have taken on board what he is saying. I just wish he hadn’t caused a bad atmosphere. He has form for saying things that cause upset or messaging me after we have seen them to tell me things I have done wrong! My husband is really angry that he’s upset me so I think I am going to ring my Son in the morning and hopefully sort things out. Otherwise my husband will call him and probably make things worse. I understand that and it wasn’t right of your MIL. But I do help them out as much as I can. They had their third child at the beginning of November and I have offered plenty to look after the older two etc.

@MissAdventure It’s ok I’m sorry if I was snappy. I’m just getting more wound up over it the longer I think about it.

@geekesse I honestly don’t know how to reply to that. I have never thought about it before, it just came naturally to spend more on my Sons than their wives. But you and everyone else have certainly given me stuff to seriously think about.

Saranine, you said ‘Surely not everyone loves their Daughter or Son in laws as much as they do their own children? I can’t help how I feel.’

Ah, OK, I’m starting to understand your thinking. I think you are very, very wrong, but I can see that you believe it’s right to indicate the amount of love by the value of a gift. More love = more money spent/given; less love = less money spent/given. Both love and money are rationed in proportion to how closely related a person is to you.

Sad. Have you ever considered just giving love freely? I have daughters in law. I made the choice to love each as dearly as my own children when they joined our family. It isn’t hard.

Ah, ok.
Sorry for assuming.

Obviously it's up to you what you do, but perhaps consider just giving the same to all.

It would be a pity to fall out over it.

Saranine, if you want to keep a relationship, maybe it's time to take on board what your son is saying?

Let me give you an example of one small things my MIL did that left me in no doubt where she thought I ranked. When I was 9 months pregnant I was doing a particular chore that was quite physical. My husband came and took over and, as soon as he did, MIL told him to stop it so he didn't strain his back, and she took over from him. This is just a small incident but it left me in no doubt how much she cared. As the social organiser of the family, these small chips eventually add up until you wonder why you bother and decide to leave it to the person who matters. The one who doesn't bother to organise anything. It's been a long time since we've seen my MIL. This is a cautionary tale.

I’m closer to my other DIL but I still don’t give her the same amount as my Sons.

I am not going to persist in anything. It’s not been brought up before.