Relationship with son and daughter in law

Hi there, I see that this thread was some time ago, but I needed to reach out and see if others felt like me. I see they do!
I am mother to an only son, who is married and have one grandchild. I was feeling very hurt yesterday on hearing that they are going away for Christmas with dils mum, sister and family. No thought given to us at all, even though we all live close to each other. I felt so upset and rejected.
So I came on here and read all these comments and actually, I’m better off than many others, which I need to realise.
We do see our son and help with childcare, they all come for meals occasionally, and we have days out together when dil is at work. So I will try to be more positive and grateful??. That said, I know many of you will understand the feelings and be nodding in agreement. We will always be second best.
As always, I will not provoke an argument and paint on the smile again. Thank you for being here.
Good luck everyone xxxx

Can I ask how old their child is?

Also, is your son's wife always flakey with arrangements, or is it just with you?

NaughtyNantheRed I'm sorry that you're being treated this way by your son and d.i.l. especially as it appears that when they've needed you, they've made good use of all that you could and did offer.

If they found out they were having a baby in March 2020 I’m assuming the baby is only about four months old or less.

That’s not much time to get organised into a visiting routine and going out for whole days. Probably I was hopeless but sometimes I couldn’t even get out of pyjamas!

Do they still live with the in-laws.Or very close by? If so it’s natural they’ll have more contact.

Personally, I think baby shark was right when she said just ask to pop in for hour, maybe on your way to somewhere else. I think expecting whole days at the weekend is too much.

I understand this completely. I have had nothing but fractiousness in my relationship with my DIL for years now, regardless of the help and support I have given them over the years and is a source of great unhappiness. I am supposed to be in a bubble with them but still ended up on my own at Christmas because she wanted yet again to have Christmas with her parents. I saw them (son, DIL and 2 grandchildren) on Christmas eve when they came to get their presents, but heard nothing at all since then. I've had one text from my son asking if I needed any shopping...I had an online order so said no it's ok...that is the only thing I've heard from them since 24 December). I feel sidelined and dismissed. Some years ago she was off work for 6 months with a back condition and I was her main support...she even admitted to another family member that she would not have known what to do if I hadn't given her so very much help (I had the car then so ferrying grand-kids around wasn't a problem). Guess some people have very sort memories and only form so-called bubbles for their own convenience. I feel very much as though as far as they are concerned, I have outlived my usefulness and this is very distressing.

To clarify, we saw our maternal grandparents no more than four times a year for about 14 days all up plus cards and some phone calls

As a child growing up we saw way more of my fathers side of the family and I prob saw my paternal grandmother 330 days of the year until I went to uni (17). I in no way feel that I missed out on my maternal grandparents, when we had time with them it was quality time and for whatever reasons there are way more photos of us with our maternal grandparents than our paternal grandparents. This was all due to distance, we lived near and my parents ran a business with my paternal grandparents less than 5 mins drive away) and my maternal grandparents live 5 hours away and owned a labour intensive business and had to be onsite 2 times daily. We all had a better relationship as children with out maternal grandparents

My point being make the most of all the interactions you have. Another point which is a little bit sad is that my mother didnt meet my children (she died when I was 20 weeks pregnant with my first) and she would have loved to have met them at least once, not that I'm saying that you should only see them once but that anytime with loved ones is a blessing

Totally get that having plans cancelled is annoying and frustrating, my parents business always created havoc with plans to spend time as a family and with extended family. Why do the plans get cancelled?

Also I am not a grandparent I'm a child a grandchild and a parent.

Yes it is a pity Madgran but I think some posters see a post from a GM, more often than not the m.i.l. who is upset about not very much of her GC and/or son, and just jump in with the assumption that she's the one being unreasonable, even when it's quite clear that she isn't.

There is a BIG difference between a GP complaining about "not seeing their grandchild"; "being left out"; "being ignored"; "arrangements being cancelled" and then saying it is all unfair, all one person's fault and taking no responsibility for their feelings etc etc ....and what Daley has said in her post where she has acknowledged how she feels, is aware that she had empty nest syndrome (which is not a crime!), doesn't want to feel like that or how she feels now, knows it won't help, shown considerable self awareness and is trying to find a way forward and is asking for help to find a way forward!

It is a pity when that difference is not acknowledged and thought about when replying!

Daley, there are several posters on here giving honest and constructive advice. Hopefully you will find those useful

Do you know for certain that the plans with you were cancelled in favour of plans with the other GPs? Did they tell you as much? Or is it an assumption?

How much time they spend with the other GPs isn't really something you need to know. Think about when your children were young and they used to say, "But so-and-so is allowed to have/do/go to X! Why can't I?" What was your response then?

Since Thanksgiving - about six weeks - you've seen them once. That doesn't sound terribly unreasonable TBH. That's more than lots of GPs see their GC.

Lolo, your last paragraph is exactly what my MIL used to say all the time. It really does get wearing when it’s pushed all the time. Especially when they’re not pleasant when you do see them. It sounds like you’ve had plenty of good advice. The key is to move at their pace...and not expect them to move at yours. Enjoy is the order of the day ?

Take Danishgrand's advice Daley and focus on those responses you find useful and non judgemental.

It's perfectly clear to me, that the issue is not how often you see your GC but the fact that previously made arrangements are cancelled in favour of the other GP's.

The suggestion that when an arrangement has been made with your d.i.l., you then during the course of a conversation with you son, or as part of a general text message, refer to how you're looking forward to it, is an excellent one. At least you'll know that he is aware if planned visits are cancelled.

I saw a pretty much equal amount of both sets of GP's, as did our boys. I of course understand that a D will gravitate toward her own mother in terms of the relationship but that doesn't necessitate the father's parents seeing less of their GC unless geographical distance makes that difficult.

Daley69 I have just made a post a week ago about more or less the same hurt. What I needed was some comfort and perspective and I felt that I got that more or less. So many here made an effort to reply to my post so I was very grateful.

Read all the replies again, and desregard the ones that are not useful to you.

I believe the grannies here are very experienced and with warm hearts.

Is it possible that you speak with your DIL about it? In a warm and positive way?

I think of you and I send you a lot of warm thoughts.

Daley, I commend you for realising that you maybe didn’t cope so well with the adjustments that come with an adult child leaving home.
That said, I find it a bit odd that they are now almost 18 months into their marriage you now want to get to know your DIL and build a relationship. Is it possible that from her perspective she feels you’re only now trying as a method to access her child?
Also, you say your son works late through the week, so as much as you can only see him on weekends it sounds like that may be his only free time, so it’s not unreasonable to assume that he would want to spend time with his family at the weekend as a priority without scheduling in visits every weekend with extended family.
Maybe lessen your expectations? I certainly would be unwilling to commit every Sunday to extended family, maybe once a month?
Another piece of advice is to enjoy the visits you do get without comment of how long it’s been since you’ve seen them or focussing on trying to make plans for the next time - this sort of pressure can make visiting anxiety inducing and off putting (just in case you’ve maybe done this without realising).

Daley69

Your son can pick the kind of family he wants to be.
He doesnt have to follow what you did when he was a child.

Unfortunately my son never got to know his grandmother. She passed before he was born. But to answer your question, we visited with both sets of parents up until her death at least every other weekend and sometimes every weekend. And if she would've been alive that would've continued. That's the kind of family we are.

Paragraphs would help! Another strange post - from that planet where Coronavirus doesn't exist. A mother with unrealistic expectations of family togetherness.

How about getting on with your own life, Daley69? Follow hobbies and interests at the weekends. Don't anticipate spending much time with them.

How often did you see your mother in law, when your son was young?

Daley69 I'm so pleased you feel positive about your daughter-in-law, that's good news. Many grans feel hostile to their son's wives.

I think maybe next time something is properly arranged between you and her you could text your son and say something such as "so nice to have arranged to see you all on Sunday (or whenever) we are really looking forward to it." This way your son will definitely know about the arrangement.

Are you perhaps suffering because the arrangement is sometimes left too "open" I wonder? Maybe you are both rather casual about the get-together, saying "oh any time will do" for example, and then you are disappointed but your daughter-in-law is maybe thinking it was only a possible get-together? - If you think this could be the case you could perhaps suggest a time. You could also suggest a pot-luck perhaps. That way they know you are going to some effort on their behalf. Ask what time would suit them and later confirm by text or phone or whatever suits.

I can only think this is happening because there is something going wrong with the communication. Obviously if you like each other, it's not that.
Just try not to be needy (I know this may be hard but put a brave face on) and I'm sure you can sort this out.

Good luck!

Just to make this perfectly clear, I love my daughter in law to death, which is why this is bothering me badly. She is the best thing that ever happened to my son. She is the one that makes all the plans with us, because as said above my son just doesn't think about it. She also is the one that breaks the plans, my son don't know anything until the last minute. In November, before Thanksgiving all of us talked about setting up Sunday dinners with them and our side of the family, (which is us and my parents) because she has a big family, we figured this would be best so we could spend time with them. Since Thanksgiving that has only happened once, due to the other things that come up. How am I supposed to build a relationship with her if I am not given the chance? I have offered to help with the baby and get told that's ok, then she immediately turns to someone else for the same thing right in front of me. So how should I feel? About my son, we were fully vested in his childhood. He played baseball, football and wrestled, so when that all stopped, guess what? We were definitely lost. I knew some day he would move out and be on his own. I was raised with a close family and he was raised the same way. So no I am not trying to be clingy as said above, it was something that we were accustomed too and it abruptly came to a halt. All I wanted was some advice on how to handle the situation...I thought this was a group that helps each other, not a group to make people feel worse.

Lots of parents experience 'empty nest syndrome'. I saw nothing in the OP to suggest that Daley is resentful of her son's marriage and the family he is establishing and I don't see how a mother wanting to be a part of her son's and GC's lives is being interfering.

Just a mother and GM who is understandably upset that she isn't seeing as much of them as the other GP's and that previously arranged visits are being changed so her d.i.l. can see her own parents. A mother and GM looking for advice to find a way of dealing with the current situation, rather than being accused here on GN of being interfering when clearly she's being anything but.

Welbeck

Agree

Thankyou Smileless xx

with that background it's hardly surprising that he doesn't want her interfering in his son's life.

i was referring to how she seemed to lament his moving out from her house to establish his adult life.
she seemed surprised and resentful of a natural step.

Your daughter is a credit to you as well as to herself crazyH. Such a shame that there are some who are prepared to sideline their p's.i.l. and it isn't just d's.i.l. either, some s's.i.l. do the same.

Why is a mother wanting to see her son's family which includes her GC being overly invested in her son's life? Is the mother of OP's d.i.l., who is fortunate to spend more time with her D and her family, overly invested in her D's life?