Brother criticised my son

You must be worried enough about your son. Having another difficult situation, with your brother, won't help you feel any less stressed. It sounds as if you talk to him regularly, and to lose that connection in these times won't help anyone. Give yourself a breathing space, don't dwell on what he said, and maybe next time you speak he will have had time to think about what he said. Things can 'come out all wrong' - please give yourself and your brother another chance.

I would try and let it go. You dont want to cause a family rift. Be prepared to defend your son if any future comment is made. Try to be the bigger person. Hope your son finds work soon

In my experience those who have never themselves been out of work tend to think that those who are, are in some way responsible for having been made redundant.

This is, of course, not so.

I don't know, OP, if your brother is one of those who are always critical of the unemployed and others in a different situation to himself.

I suggest you try to ignore his comment and chat as normally as possible to him next time he rings.

Once your son has a new job, which I hope will be soon, you could tell your brother and might feel tempted to say that his remarks had hurt you when you mentioned that your son was out of work. Only you know whether that is advisable or not.

One or two gransnetters have mentioned not discussing their AC's business with other family members. I know I would struggle to cope without the support of family members, especially in times of crisis. This doesn't mean we don't have major fallings out occasionally about how to handle things and I have needed to sound off about one or other family member to another on occasion - and felt disloyal in the process.... We have always been able to agree to disagree in the end, however. I am not saying our way of doing things is right or wrong. Just that I am so very glad - and very lucky - to have such support for, as well as from, my family

Florencerosie - Good communication is the bedrock of all decent relationships and I'm not with those people who look to excuse someone's poor communication on the grounds that everyone is stressed in these strange circumstances. Your brother was wrong to criticise your son, whether it was deserved or otherwise. And you will be wrong to break off communication, let it lie, or seek to understand him. That behaviour will enable his belief that he can continue to criticise your son. What you should do is call him out on this, in a way that you feel comfortable with - you could wait until he calls you and then tell him exactly how offended you, how it made you feel, how you would never attack his son in that way whether or not there was a basis in truth. This is about your relationship with your brother - deal with it yourself and not with the input of your OH. If your brother can't grasp that his frank and unwarranted intervention then there's another bridge to cross but take this one step at a time.

Has your brother got children of his own? Is he in work himself? More information on the background might be useful. It does sound as if he was tactless to say the least. I have a cousin like that. I see him as little as possible, but a brother is I suppose closer. I have none. I hope your son is managing ok and not too down about it. And that he finds something soon. Even doing temporary jobs is harder now, isn't it. Maybe he could do something voluntary locally to feel useful and look good on a cv?

That ill feeling will only grow, and you never know he might either be thinking that he shouldn't of said what he said, but he might also think that as you didn't defend your son, that you are of the same opinion. In your position I would phone him and explain that you are still hurt by his critism, and ask him 'if he had meant to be so critical when he knows your son is hard working and has been unfortunate in these awful times.' Tell him you really don't want to fall out with him, but can't bare the idea that he has this low opinion of your son. Hopefully he will apologise in part or agree with you that your son has indeed been unfortunate, don't let it just eat away at you.

This has happened to me. It has changed my loyalty towards my sibling as I have nothing but love and positivity for my nephews and nieces. I speak when I need to now. We still have parents alive.

I think it depends on the context of what was said. If it was nothing too dreadful but just prickled your motherly sensibilities, I'd write him a stinking letter giving full vent, sleep on it and then destroy the letter in the morning. Then, put it behind you if you normally have a decent relationship with him.
If it was a serious lack of respect for your son's and your feelings then maybe give it a little time and formulate your approach to him to resolve this. My husband always says that I should look at the ultimate outcome I want to achieve before pitching in to battle. Do I want an apology? Do I just want my say? Do I want to have my parting shot as I leave the relationship? Do I want a discussion where I am prepared to listen and maybe hear stuff better left unsaid? Will saying something get you what you want?
Just because you are siblings, it doesn't mean they have to like your children or even like everything about you. Sometimes we have to put aside the things we don't like in order to keep the rest of the good stuff about somebody. Is that what you need to do or is the balance of what you do like or don't like weighing heavily to the latter?
Only you know the answer to all these questions but it may help focus your mind on how you want to handle this situation.

I would send him a letter or email to explain that even if on furlough with your job it is indeed possible to be made redundant. As in March time of last year my next door neighbour told me he had been made redundant. Maybe the firm has to loose a number of star or gone bust - as it's hard right now for a lot of companies. He hasn't understood the story/facts that you have told him, and is possibly reading into it too much between the storyline.

Sorry - To Loose STAFF. - Not the word star.

We are all guilty of, occasionally , making a comment before our brain engages. If your brother upsets you quite often then that's different and should be dealt with. If it was a one off careless comment then it's best forgotten. Families are not always pefect but important especially in these strange times x

I have been unemployed so I can understand how you feel. I had comments like "lazy sponger" or "fleecing the state" directed at me. You need to tell your brother not to be so judgemental and more understanding.

Life can be such a bitch can't it, feelings get hurt, people are positively tactless and you have to try to work out .... was he just being his usual tactless self or trying to wound you.
Personally I've got a code of things you should never do or say as there's no going back from them but other family members aren't always that careful usually because they just don't think! Nobody has the right to criticise your boy, only you. I'd give calls a miss for the time being and if and when he calls, keep the conversation light. Above all, wherever possible try to keep family relationships alive. He's your brother and even though you're hurt and angry, should the proverbial shit hit the fan, it's usually to family we turn because underneath it all blood comes first. Your boy will find another job, I think the idea of voluntary work is good, keep him occupied and feeling useful and good on a CV going forward. Not long now and things will start to improve, please God.

Might it be a case of opening mouth before engaging brain - emotions are running high atm. Do hope your son has success

Thank you all so much for your replies and comments. It really is very much appreciated. I like your suggestion Suziehi. I am definitely taking a step back right now. I’m not angry or hold a grudge against him. It was hurtful and unkind.
My brother asked me if he was still working from home. I replied honestly(why wouldn’t I) that he been made redundant.
My OH said he’s very judgemental and lives in his own little bubble. He’s retired like us, and his 2 children have good jobs like mine had. He has no money worries. My son is very easy to get on with and there is no animosity between them at all.

Things have been a bit strained with my brother and his wife the last couple of years simply because they like to call the shots and if we don’t go along with it they don’t like it. Example of this: Xmas 2019 he asked us to go up (they are 1.5 hours away) we said that would be lovely. When I said we prefer lunchtime he just kept saying why can’t you come in the evening. As a result our invitation was withdrawn.
When he rings again though I won’t mention our son and if he does will just say he’s fine thanks and no more info.

I’m sorry for the background colour - I obviously pressed a key by mistake, oops!

All families are different, but if my brother had said such things about my son, I would tell him directly that I found it upsetting, I didn't want to lose friendship over it but I would if he ever said anything like that again about my children. I would explain that families must support one another in these difficult times and that your husband was also upset. Ask for an apology and see what the response is. He might not realise that he has been so insensitive. If the apology is not forthcoming then try to withdraw. It's always sad when families fall out and lose contact.

Don't be silly. Let it go let it go let it go. Hanging on to grudges will only hurt you more so let it go NOW !! your thoughts are only your thoughts that lead to your feelings that lead to your actions so do question your thoughts and promise yourself to Let it go let it go let it go. by all means tell your brother in a clam moment that you felt hurt by his attack on your son but that you have decided to let it go. Your brother is surely more important to you that a few words he said on the phone. You must have a lifetime of shared history behind you, we need to be kind to each other and to ourselves right now. Start that habit NOW - you will lead by example, you know you will.

Florencerosie As the original poster all your subsequent posts on this thread will have a green background.

Sorry your brother made such a hurtful comment. I am glad you are going to take Suziehi's advice.

I was brought up to believe, by parents who had psychiatric training, that my emotional response was my own responsibility. As a result, I do not engage in conversations with others as to how they made me feel as I was taught that that is how I 'choose to feel'.

You have all my sympathy, it’s very hurtful of your brother. I had something similar: my son finished university and didn’t know what occupation to follow. He became a refuse collector for a while. At a wedding a friend of my brother’s who I hardly knew, came up to my son and said,” Isn’t it about time you got a proper job?” My son worked extremely hard, never signed on for benefits and eventually trained in computing. I could have murdered that person, obviously my brother had been gossiping to his friend about his nephew: how disloyal.

Blacksheep 46

You obviously didn’t read my post properly - I said I don’t hold a grudge, why would I.

Jaxie

Thank you - totally understand what you are saying. Why are some people so judgmental. Yes, it was disloyal of your brother. Hope your son is enjoying his career now.

I think many people are feeling very ‘down’ at the moment and are saying, and doing, some hurtful things.

I’m sorry your brother is one of these people, so it may be best to cut yourself off for a few weeks to see if he improves.

Try not to fall out with him - there are many families who have lost loved ones during this pandemic, and are feeling empty.

Emily I was brought up to believe, by parents who had psychiatric training, that my emotional response was my own responsibility. As a result, I do not engage in conversations with others as to how they made me feel as I was taught that that is how I 'choose to feel'.

That’s interesting. I agree that we’re responsible for our own feelings & (to a certain extent) can choose, for example, whether to feel offended or whether to shrug something off.
But I’m not sure that it necessarily follows that we shouldn’t share how we feel with others.
I was taught that as part of conflict resolution, after first asking the other person if it’s ok to mention something to them, that you then go on to describe the impact their behaviour had had on you, ie how they made you feel.
If they understand this, it’s the first step in resolving the misunderstanding.