Brother criticised my son

Life can be such a bitch can't it, feelings get hurt, people are positively tactless and you have to try to work out .... was he just being his usual tactless self or trying to wound you.
Personally I've got a code of things you should never do or say as there's no going back from them but other family members aren't always that careful usually because they just don't think! Nobody has the right to criticise your boy, only you. I'd give calls a miss for the time being and if and when he calls, keep the conversation light. Above all, wherever possible try to keep family relationships alive. He's your brother and even though you're hurt and angry, should the proverbial shit hit the fan, it's usually to family we turn because underneath it all blood comes first. Your boy will find another job, I think the idea of voluntary work is good, keep him occupied and feeling useful and good on a CV going forward. Not long now and things will start to improve, please God.

I have been unemployed so I can understand how you feel. I had comments like "lazy sponger" or "fleecing the state" directed at me. You need to tell your brother not to be so judgemental and more understanding.

We are all guilty of, occasionally , making a comment before our brain engages. If your brother upsets you quite often then that's different and should be dealt with. If it was a one off careless comment then it's best forgotten. Families are not always pefect but important especially in these strange times x

Sorry - To Loose STAFF. - Not the word star.

I would send him a letter or email to explain that even if on furlough with your job it is indeed possible to be made redundant. As in March time of last year my next door neighbour told me he had been made redundant. Maybe the firm has to loose a number of star or gone bust - as it's hard right now for a lot of companies. He hasn't understood the story/facts that you have told him, and is possibly reading into it too much between the storyline.

I think it depends on the context of what was said. If it was nothing too dreadful but just prickled your motherly sensibilities, I'd write him a stinking letter giving full vent, sleep on it and then destroy the letter in the morning. Then, put it behind you if you normally have a decent relationship with him.
If it was a serious lack of respect for your son's and your feelings then maybe give it a little time and formulate your approach to him to resolve this. My husband always says that I should look at the ultimate outcome I want to achieve before pitching in to battle. Do I want an apology? Do I just want my say? Do I want to have my parting shot as I leave the relationship? Do I want a discussion where I am prepared to listen and maybe hear stuff better left unsaid? Will saying something get you what you want?
Just because you are siblings, it doesn't mean they have to like your children or even like everything about you. Sometimes we have to put aside the things we don't like in order to keep the rest of the good stuff about somebody. Is that what you need to do or is the balance of what you do like or don't like weighing heavily to the latter?
Only you know the answer to all these questions but it may help focus your mind on how you want to handle this situation.

This has happened to me. It has changed my loyalty towards my sibling as I have nothing but love and positivity for my nephews and nieces. I speak when I need to now. We still have parents alive.

That ill feeling will only grow, and you never know he might either be thinking that he shouldn't of said what he said, but he might also think that as you didn't defend your son, that you are of the same opinion. In your position I would phone him and explain that you are still hurt by his critism, and ask him 'if he had meant to be so critical when he knows your son is hard working and has been unfortunate in these awful times.' Tell him you really don't want to fall out with him, but can't bare the idea that he has this low opinion of your son. Hopefully he will apologise in part or agree with you that your son has indeed been unfortunate, don't let it just eat away at you.

Has your brother got children of his own? Is he in work himself? More information on the background might be useful. It does sound as if he was tactless to say the least. I have a cousin like that. I see him as little as possible, but a brother is I suppose closer. I have none. I hope your son is managing ok and not too down about it. And that he finds something soon. Even doing temporary jobs is harder now, isn't it. Maybe he could do something voluntary locally to feel useful and look good on a cv?

Florencerosie - Good communication is the bedrock of all decent relationships and I'm not with those people who look to excuse someone's poor communication on the grounds that everyone is stressed in these strange circumstances. Your brother was wrong to criticise your son, whether it was deserved or otherwise. And you will be wrong to break off communication, let it lie, or seek to understand him. That behaviour will enable his belief that he can continue to criticise your son. What you should do is call him out on this, in a way that you feel comfortable with - you could wait until he calls you and then tell him exactly how offended you, how it made you feel, how you would never attack his son in that way whether or not there was a basis in truth. This is about your relationship with your brother - deal with it yourself and not with the input of your OH. If your brother can't grasp that his frank and unwarranted intervention then there's another bridge to cross but take this one step at a time.

One or two gransnetters have mentioned not discussing their AC's business with other family members. I know I would struggle to cope without the support of family members, especially in times of crisis. This doesn't mean we don't have major fallings out occasionally about how to handle things and I have needed to sound off about one or other family member to another on occasion - and felt disloyal in the process.... We have always been able to agree to disagree in the end, however. I am not saying our way of doing things is right or wrong. Just that I am so very glad - and very lucky - to have such support for, as well as from, my family

In my experience those who have never themselves been out of work tend to think that those who are, are in some way responsible for having been made redundant.

This is, of course, not so.

I don't know, OP, if your brother is one of those who are always critical of the unemployed and others in a different situation to himself.

I suggest you try to ignore his comment and chat as normally as possible to him next time he rings.

Once your son has a new job, which I hope will be soon, you could tell your brother and might feel tempted to say that his remarks had hurt you when you mentioned that your son was out of work. Only you know whether that is advisable or not.

I would try and let it go. You dont want to cause a family rift. Be prepared to defend your son if any future comment is made. Try to be the bigger person. Hope your son finds work soon

You must be worried enough about your son. Having another difficult situation, with your brother, won't help you feel any less stressed. It sounds as if you talk to him regularly, and to lose that connection in these times won't help anyone. Give yourself a breathing space, don't dwell on what he said, and maybe next time you speak he will have had time to think about what he said. Things can 'come out all wrong' - please give yourself and your brother another chance.

Depends on what exactly he said really, I suppose. As others have said, I think we can all be a bit stressed and touchy at the moment. Could it have just been a momentary bad mood on your brother's part and he said something that sounded different from what he intended? Or could you have overreacted a bit, or taken it the wrong way? Depends on your usual relationship, and how he normally is about your son. But obviously if what he said was very specific and unmistakable (i.e. he called your son a "lazy sponger" or some such awful stupid comment) then I don't blame you at all for being upset and angry, and I would let your brother know how you feel!

I agree with lots said here.
we don`t know what your brother said.. was he criticising? or?

and I am finding that so many people, can I say, are extra touchy? well I know I am,, I know I am irritated by my very best of friends, been a good friend to me over the years, but.....
so I think we are in very strange circumstances now... and this is affecting.. I would suggest ALL of us, but we can`t always recognise it in ourselves... I nearly fell out! with my friend,, stopped, thought, and realised it was me being over sensitive... and of course, not face to face conversations now.. makes it far more difficult to have proper conversations..

so.. for me to think further on this.. what exactly did your brother say, that you construed as criticism?

then, well I try to stop and examine myself and see if I am , taking something, the wrong way! or ..

as I said, I really think the strange lives we are ALL having to live now is affecting us.... we have to be kind... kinder and kinder,,, and ... o.k.?

Once again, without hearing both sides of the story, it is difficult to judge. Does your brother have some reason for criticising your son? Have there been problems in their relationship which until now have been suppressed?

Whatever the reason, it is understandable that you should feel upset. I think we are feeling more stressed by Covid19 so are perhaps reacting more strongly than we would have done if times were different. One thing that has not changed is our inbuilt commitment to our children. My advice for what it is worth is not to make a big thing of it but to wait until your brother phones again and then tell him how unfair you thought his comments were and how much they had hurt you and leave it at that. Since you have up to now had a good relationship with your brother it would be a shame to spoil it now after what could be just an ill-judged comment.

SuzieHI is spot on,great advice.

Was this out of character for your brother? Or does he have a tendency to interfere? I think people are just frightened at the moment. He could be feeling very low, and trying to boost his own self esteem by bringing your son down. If you don’t think it’s any of this, just tell him to mind his own business, you’re not answerable to him.?

About 5 years ago, while visiting my sister (also my best friend throughout our lives), she went went into a tirade of criticism against my AC, all of which was untrue. ( she doesn’t have children out of choice and had become increasingly jealous of us all (family) enjoying what our children bring). I asked why she was saying all these negative things and said that if she said anything else I would leave, which she did and therefore I left. As I was leaving she went into a screaming match with and said some extremely nasty and hurtful things against me, my husband (he was there) and my children. If that wasn’t enough she badmouthed me to all my family members blaming me for this very nasty incident and turning them against me. Needless to say we didn’t speak or see each other for more than 2 years with only a family party bringing us together, and our friendship is no longer and I haven’t seen her for 3 years. It is very hurtful when someone criticises your children, especially when there is no cause.

It's manifesting itself time and time again that many of us are under an unrecognised stress and are often to be found with a short fuse over matters which would normally not have bothered us one whit. If you generally have a good relationship with your brother, I would ask you to consider giving him the benefit of the doubt. We are all privately fiercely defendant of our children even if they have done something questionable. It's human nature. I wouldn't have liked it either but I would try not to nurture the wrath. Too much other awfulness going on right now. Try not to dwell on it. Good luck.

I agree with Bustertank.

Did you shut him down when he started criticising your son? Sometimes we let people carry on doing or saying something we don't like when we should have stopped them in their tracks.

I would caring on as normal and he says anything else you can put him straight . You should said something at the time . Rather than stewed on it .

My brother criticised my 3 year old son all those years ago....I thought it was crass , as he didn’t, and hasn’t got any children. Our relationship cooled markedly for many years! We’re ok now but it still rankles when I think of it. But I still don’t talk of my son to him unless he specifically asks.

I wouldn’t ignore it.
I would call my brother, defend my son and explain how you feel.