DIL seeking advice

It's good to see another post from you Lakelover. My heart goes out to your DH, knowing how much his parents' behaviour is hurting him and not just because of the way they are with him, but you too.

He is fortunate that he has you to listen to him and it sounds as if his sister and her family are loving and supportive. I think you're right, that his parents are unable to see and accept him as he is now as a husband and father. Such a shame as he sounds like the sort of son who would make any parent proud.

Now that he's finally opened up and been able to talk to you about all of this, I'm sure he'll continue to do so.

You sound like a lovely young couple, and with a precious son of your own I'm sure will have many years of happiness ahead of you.

Thank you for the kind words everyone! You guys have been very helpful I definitely feel like me and Dh are heading in the right direction. He usually tries to not bring up his parents behavior unless I do but the other day he did again and how much it hurts. I am glad he shared that with me so I can support him too.
We talked to his sister and her family the other day and they are wonderful people. DH is a least happy DS and myself can have a good relationship with them. DS has some awesome little cousins around his age
I personally don't understand his parents behavior so it's hard for me to do anything but listen. He has said it's like they have no real interest in him as an adult man with a family. I totally agree with that. DH was quite he athlete when he was younger and his parents cant seem to move on from that. It's all they want to talk about most of the time. Maybe someday they will or maybe DH needs to have a chat with them alone to tell them how he feels. This whole thing kind of threw me for a loop.

Totally agree Madgran!

So glad you came back to us Lakelover. Your discussion with DH has given you quite an insight into some of his confused feelings about his parents. He must be hurt and upset that they seem disinterested in both you and your lovely baby boy, the two most important people in his life. Yet he still feels a responsibility, as AC often do, to help 'fix' the situation with his parents when realistically, if he has told you 'that's the way they are we can't change it', he probably knows that it's an impossible task without them realising that they need to make the change.

It makes it easier for you to see that this was what led to his suggestions of seeing them even more often and supposedly evening out your family's contact. Whereas seeing his parents less frequently may have a better outcome making your visits more valuable to them. You now know some of the thinking behind his reasoning and you are already moving on as a couple to formulate a plan of action that will help you both to heal; you from your hurt about their treatment of you, and DH from his hurt about their seeming indifference to you and your DS.

Just seen your post Lakelover. It sounds like a brilliant start?. Onwards and upwards from here.

His parents are his problem, not to be your problem

I think that lakelovers approach of sharing the problem with her husband and making it a mutual problem to solve, rather than just leaving her clearly concerned husband to "deal with it", is a mark of a mutually respectful and strong relationship!

I don't agree that the OP's p's.i.l. are just her H's problem, they're a problem for both of them which is why they need to do what they are now doing; working together.

I told him maybe he should stop chasing them and let the relationship just be what ever it is. I dont know at least we agree that I will no longer be attending ever visit we agree 1 out of 4 for now. And if there is any snapping at me he is going to say something in the moment.

Brilliant, I think you were visiting them far too often. His parents are his problem, not to be your problem.

I shouldn't worry about trying to work out what your p's.i.l. want Lakelover. What's important is that you and your H have reached an understanding and that by talking, you've learned things about the relationship he has with his parents, that you weren't aware of.

It's good that a break from them has made you feel better and that you don't feel obliged to see them every time your H does.

Focus on the positive.

Hetty, you are spot on in the description of them and right that they will never see us as adults. I could write a book on the condescending lectures I/we have been given by them. I feel better that I haven't had to see them now since 2 weeks ago. I am ducking out of the next visit to if DH chooses to have one.
As for the comment about what they want. Is it DS? I dont think so I don't really know I am so confused by all of this.

Lakelover You and you husband discussing and being honest with each other is a great start. You can review progress and how you are both feeling as you go along. ?

Now that he knows they are not interested in ds, visiting your son without you is out of the question

*A dream come true from ILs - they get their paws on the gs without their evil dil present and their son is chasing them
You must put a stop to it*

Dear me!

Lakelover89, from a practical perspective, I think it's unfair to expect your husband to 'fix' things. You should ask him to respect and defend you, to be on your side. Beyond that, you won't change things much. Don't make him 'piggy in the middle'.

The in laws just see you as a couple of kids. That's why they show no respect. They have a superiority complex, a bossy, overbearing attitude, a firm belief that they are always right.

It's very common indeed. You won't change the habits of a lifetime, family dynamics, old, familiar roles.

I'd be inclined to reduce contact. Weekly is too often, maybe fortnightly could be more bearable. Perhaps your husband can take your son to visit, allowing you a break?

What you can change, quite easily, is your attitude to the situation.

Don't be upset by their behaviour or remarks. Instead - be (at least outwardly) amused by them. Say 'Oh, you are funny' or 'You're such a weird family' - along with 'No advice needed, thanks, I prefer to do things my own way' or 'My family does it differently'.

Laugh a lot. laugh it off. Be confident. (They won't like it - watch them squirm, it's so gratifying.)

I love you too, smileless

For goodness sake Hithere it's as if you just can't resist pouring cold water on a positive step in the OP's situation.

It isn't for you or anyone else for that matter, to tell Lakelover that her p's.i.l. seeing her son without her "is out of the question". That is a decision for her and her H to make.

Did you actually read her last post? She says they're not interested in her son, they don't even ask about him so why on earth is this "a dream come true for the ILs - they get their paws on the gs without their evil dil present". Where has the OP said that her ILs regard her as evil?

I posted earlier on this thread that sometimes your responses are like a wrecking ball when it comes to difficult relationships, and this one is a prime example.

A dream come true for the ILs, not from

Now that he knows they are not interested in ds, visiting your son without you is out of the question.

A dream come true from ILs - they get their paws on the gs without their evil dil present and their son is chasing them
You must put a stop to it

That's a great start Lakelover. I hope that given time your DH will be able to just accept that his parents are the way they are.

It looks as if your talk has revealed things about his relationship with his parents that you were totally unaware of and this helps explain his behaviour. He sounds caring and thoughtful and I can't see any reason why you wont be able to find the best way of dealing with this situation, together.

It’s a good start, you are both on the same sheet and that’s the most important of all. It’s good to talk. You can use this COVID time to keep some distance. I haven’t seen my d or GC for a hug for many months and I do miss them but times are difficult so we stay in our own homes.
Well done ?

Hey all, so a small update for you.
This weekend my DH asked if his parents could come over for a walk and I said no I just wanted some family time. He said that was fine but he wanted to do a video chat with them. I handed him the baby and went and had some time to myself. We did talk about his parents and how they treat me later. He said he is just disappointed all around with them and he is the one setting up weekly visits. He thought the visits might lead to them being nicer/ having a better relationship with us since he is aware it's not good. He said his parents never even asked where I was.

Apparently they never ask about DS or for any pics through text or calling. Its DH who has to do all the facilitating. Which I was a bit surprised at but looking back on it not really. They acted like they couldnt care less about my pregnancy and it was the same with our wedding. He said they seem to care about DS the first month and now they dont even ask to see him. When he calls they really only want to talk about DH or themselves. He said it hurts him that they don't seem to care about me or DS. He said he wishes his parents were more like mine. I didn't realize this as I am never around him when he calls them. I just assumed they were in his ear about visits through texting/calling because we were seeing them so frequently.

He says he is very confused by them since in person his mom makes passive aggressive comments about her other grandkids and how she misses them and how she was so involved before the pandemic. She also makes comments about my mom seeing DS more. Yet according to DH she doesn't seem interested unless he sets it up, she doesn't ask how he is, DH says he feels like he has to volunteer information or his parents will just keep talking about their work or the past. I told him maybe he should stop chasing them and let the relationship just be what ever it is. I dont know at least we agree that I will no longer be attending ever visit we agree 1 out of 4 for now. And if there is any snapping at me he is going to say something in the moment.

It's not perfect but it's a start.

Just a thought. Rather than a month or two gap all in one hit, it might be kinder to gradually increase the time between visits. Maybe every other week, then longer if need be and see how you feel. You may be able to cope better and she may realise how her attitude is affecting your relationship and the amount of time she sees your son.

A month or two off from them wouldn't be the worst thing. I think it would at least give me a chance to feel a bit better and have more tolerance. When we see them weekly like we do now I feel frustrated for a few days after the visit and then it's almost time for another. I do sometimes think the little offences that happen are becoming bigger and more annoying to me because I am exposed to their rudeness all the time. If I ask my DH for a break maybe we can regroup decide how we will approach it and tackle it together.
I agree with you guys that grandparenting is a privilege. I have told my DH that by him keeping score it is making it harder for us to have family time. I agree that his MILs relationship with her other grandkids should have nothing to do with us. It's a really unfair expectation to place on our son.

Mistype. I meant a month or two of no contact, for Lakelover and her baby with that M.i.L.

Thanks for clarification Norah. A year or two did seem rather extreme!

Toad excellent thoughts.

I have many GC and GGC, they are not my children. To my opinion if I visit them a few times a year, with their parents, all is Lovely. You're not just an incubator for GC. You had children for you and H.

He HAS, not had!

This is about you, your husband, and little baby starting out on a new adventure. It’s not about appeasing grandparents....on either side, who’ve had their turn, and expectations should be zero. We brought our children up, and enjoyed every second. Grandparents only saw them up to my oldest being 15, youngest 10.....and then it was sporadic, depending on how they were. They could be really nice when they wanted to be, usually after an absent spell. I now consider any time with my grandchildren a privilege, never a right. Luckily, I learnt so much about how not to behave with adult children, it has helped, so I am actually indebted to them!
We must remember of course...we are talking about awful parents in law here, but there are just as many awful children in law. I’m sure it’s fairly well balanced, as the difficult’ children’, end up being tomorrow’s difficult older adults.
Focus on your baby, and keep talking to your husband. He had to put you first.?