Rift in family

That is a good point Madgran; I've learnt that too.

Good point Madgran.

And I sympathise with your friend Kate

It nearly caused a rift so I do understand that maybe it's best to stay quiet
I think it's not always about staying quiet so much as choosing ones moment, choosing ones words so that they get heard ....as I have learnt from some difficult times!!

Yes Smileless It's really awful.

Your poor friend Kateunfortunately she's not alone in thinking that when her AC say 'jump', if she doesn't 'ask high' she may be stopped from seeing her GC.

Different strokes for different folks on here. Some families ‘do’ birthdays, some are not fussed. If you went home and cried on your birthday watermeadow that means you were hurt. Your daughter probably wasn’t aware you would be though. Sounds as though birthdays aren’t really on her radar as such. She did invite you over. She thought that was enough. You didn’t.

You also feel for the daughter whose 50th wasn’t acknowledged and that added hurt still rankled.

Your daughter is probably prickly now that you’ve aired your hurt feelings. The fact she was so annoyed and has sulked since speaks volumes.

There’s no right or wrong going forward. Only you know your family’s dynamics as how best to unstick this fallout. You obviously want to get back on track without further confrontation.

I think the more days that pass without contact the more awkward and difficult it will be. One of you has to make the first move if harmony is to be resolved. Will she? If her nature is combative- as displayed by her response - probably not.

You’ve probably thought of little else these last few days. Especially as upsets aren’t the norm in your family. I hope whatever you decide going forward works out for you. x

Come back and let us know what happens?

I have a friend who does everything for her two adult daughters. She works part-time, baby sits constantly (pre pandemic), cleans their houses, does their washing and ironing sometimes, her husband decorates and does jobs for them. They treat their parents appallingly. Birthdays, Mothers Day and Fathees Day are ignored and they are rude to her in public.
She told me she puts up with it as she's afraid of not seeing her grandchildren.

It's unreasonable IMO that parents feel unable to express how they feel if their AC has done or said something that's caused upset, for fear of causing a rift. Especially as many AC don't appear to be worried about telling their parents how they feel.

I agree sodapop that it does seem that "parents now have to accept any sort of thoughtfulness or bad behaviour from their adult children who must be protected at all costs". It looks as if some of these AC still have some growing up to do.

That's true Madgran. It annoys me that some can't be bothered or don't think to even get a card.
I made the mistake a few years ago of telling my daughter that I was hurt over the way she treated me. It nearly caused a rift so I do understand that maybe it's best to stay quiet.

There wasn’t a rift until you caused it by admonishing your daughter for forgetting, my daughters often forget, they are busy with their own stuff and I don’t take it personally.
If I had been in your situation sitting down together and no mention of Happy Birthday I would have just say “I feel old today another year gone by, 67 today”. She would then be embarrassed for forgetting but the omission was not with you.

I too would have been upset but like kitty I would not have said anything.
My MiL always had great expectations for her birthday so we used to take her away every year and make a big fuss while hating every minute as we were on tenterhooks that it was enough.

I agree with MissA no reason why you shouldn't tell your daughter you were disappointed Watermeadow a card and flowers as BlueBelle said would hardly break the bank.
It seems parents now have to accept any sort of thoughtlessness or bad behaviour from their adult children who must be protected at all costs.

Kate I think many agree with you. At the same time people are aware of the risks of this turning into a longterm stubborn rift or worse which would be sad for all concerned

You are all so nice! I don't think there's any excuse for not giving your mum a card and a small gift on her birthday.

I can understand why you are upset Watermeadow. There is no harm in telling your DD that you are disappointed that she didnt get you a card and small present. It isn't that that counts- it's that your AC is thinking of you. I would phone and suggest a walk together or just chat on the phone. You could say you were sorry you were upset but these tokens ( cards and gifts) are important to you. Maybe you could then say 'Let's forget about it and move on' Hopefully your DD will take note and get you something next year. Try to put it behind you and forget about it.

It would be better for someone if the decide they're not buying cards and/or presents for birthdays any more, to say so so that those who would have always received one in the past will know.

I appreciated that not everyone is bothered about getting a card on their birthday, but for those that are, to not get one especially from their AC can be upsetting.

Maybe she is not doing cards or presents for family anymore.

I wish I had the nerve to do it, to stop buying stuff that adults I buy for do not want or need.

That was your mum and your family dynamics, though.

I remember my mother making a dreadful fuss one year, because she didn’t get a present on her actual birthday, I’d been away, and it was a few days late. What absolutely enraged me, was that I never forgot her birthday, but my brother, if he bothered at all, was always late, and no thought would have gone into it at all.
I found her behaviour to be childish and ridiculous, so I think probably an apology is in order.

Hardly a 'rift' in the family, more a storm in a teacup.

Why wouldn't the daughter just say she couldn't afford one, though??
Do people really spend their time wondering what's going on but never saying a word?

Presents should never be expected, should they?

Perhaps Watermeadow, your daughter can't afford to buy one, doesn't want to risk shopping (with the danger of catching Covid) - or just has problems of her own?

It was very rude to make a fuss about it - so you should apologise.

I don't think I would have said anything. Did she wish you a happy birthday?
One of my children is very careful about remembering occasions. The other couldn't care less. But he's a very caring person in other ways. And you did have a meal with her. Perhaps she hasn't a lot of spare money. Maybe text and ask how she is. It's not worth falling out over.

watermeadow I totally understand your hurt, to get no card no present and pay for your own takeaway on your birthday would feel really hurtful
Blimey if she’s short of cash you can get cards for less than£1 and a bunch of flowers from the supermarket for a fiver and buy you your takeaway would probably have cost her £15 tops if she’s really pushed for money I m sure you would have understood if she’d have just said ‘mum things are really tight now but I ll make up for it later Happy birthday’
Presumably there’s more to it than this as you say she missed your other daughters birthday too
I wouldn’t say anything else just wait and see and try and put it behind you