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Rift in family

(44 Posts)
watermeadow Mon 18-Jan-21 18:32:17

My family doesn’t do rows or rifts but my youngest daughter and I haven’t spoken for a fortnight. I went there on my birthday and we had a takeaway. I paid for my food. Then I went home and cried because she had given me no card or present.
A day or two later I sent a message telling her I was very hurt. I knew she had also missed her sister’s 50th birthday last year.
She sent a furious reply, no excuses or apology just indignant.
They live very close to me but I haven’t seen or heard from them or my grandchildren since.
Should I just leave this to fizzle out?

Namsnanny Mon 18-Jan-21 18:42:05

I'm sorry this has happened watereadow, you must be feeling hurt and confused.

Do you have any indication what this is over at all?

She does sound particularly upset herself, so she is definitely clear that something has happened from her pov.

Septimia Mon 18-Jan-21 18:42:32

Of course it was upsetting for you - we all want to get special attnetion on our birthdays.

The best thing probably is to let it go. If she says anything about your message you could say that you were just feeling particularly emotional at the time. A low key apology from you might help that along if appropriate, even though you were the one that was hurt.

In future, just don't expect anything then you won't be disappointed. You might, instead, be pleasantly surprised. Day to day good relationships are more important than special occasions, I think.

wildswan16 Mon 18-Jan-21 18:45:12

I really can't understand why anyone gets so upset about birthdays. Once you are over 16 they really should not be so important.

You spent time with your daughter and enjoyed a meal together. Especially just now, everyone has an awful lot to think about - just be glad your daughter is near enough that you are able to visit. It definitely isn't worth getting het up about.

biba70 Mon 18-Jan-21 18:45:22

For me, the present would have been to be with my family, and spend time with them. I need nothing and want nothing- so find your comment difficult.

Gingster Mon 18-Jan-21 18:46:47

Yes. It will fizzle out , so don’t stoke the fire! Least said, soonest mended.

Lisagran Mon 18-Jan-21 18:52:52

You say your daughter also missed her sister’s 50th birthday last year. - but actually she didn’t miss your birthday recently, as you had a meal together. Did you have a pleasant time while you were there? Do you think your daughter might be struggling emotionally or financially with lockdown? Is her relationship with her partner ok, as far as you know? Might be worth trying to find out if she actually needs your support? Good luck!

Lolo81 Mon 18-Jan-21 18:56:54

Did DD wish you happy birthday whilst spending time with you?
It’s a difficult time for everyone just now and some are struggling more than others financially. I’d expect family to understand that and not throw a tanty because they didn’t get a present.

Grandmabatty Mon 18-Jan-21 19:13:00

Did your daughter pay for the meal? If so, maybe that was the present. Spending time with her sounds like a nice way to spend your birthday.

Sara1954 Mon 18-Jan-21 19:19:03

I always tell my children not to bother with presents for us, I’d much rather they spent it on themselves, or their children.
My single son takes it literally, and never even buys a card, but that’s fine, the girls still buy presents, but I honestly would be very happy if they didn’t.

Madgran77 Mon 18-Jan-21 19:27:28

Ring her up and just chat about this and that, ask her if she wants to pop over for a cuppa and a chat and a catch up. Or ring her up and acknowledge that she was angry with you, say you enjoyed the meal and then say that you miss them all.

Basically, you know how you all communicate normally so work out the best way to approach her but do approach her. You don't want this to fester and turn into a battle of wills where no-one wants to "give in" flowers

Smileless2012 Mon 18-Jan-21 19:29:00

I can understand why you were so upset watermeadow and not because your D didn't even get you a card, but by the response you got when you told her you were upset.

It doesn't require much effort or expense to buy your mum a card for her birthday does it. I wonder how your D would feel if she didn't get a card from her mum when it's her birthday.

watermeadow posted that she paid for her own takeaway Grandmabatty.

Bibbity Mon 18-Jan-21 19:30:08

Some people just don’t do cards.
I’ve stopped as I find them a waste.

What did you hope to achieve by sending that message?
As others have said you went around for your birthday. So your birthday was acknowledged and celebrated.

Namsnanny Mon 18-Jan-21 19:36:21

The op said she bought it herself Grandmabatty

But, it isnt about the birthday really is it? Or have I missed the point?
It's about her daughter being upset about something and showing her Mum her displeasure on watermeadow's birthday.

If Im wrong then it's just a birthday so least said soonest mended.

kittylester Mon 18-Jan-21 19:46:12

Why tell her you were upset. Just get over it!!

MissAdventure Mon 18-Jan-21 20:03:23

I see no reason to tiptoe around how you feel.
I'm sure an adult person should be able to be told, but in the interests of family harmony, I would make the first move to getting you back on track.

If you've always "done" cards, of course it's hurtful flowers

Hithere Mon 18-Jan-21 20:13:01

What did your message say? How about her reply?

You are also upset she forgot her sisters 50th bday. May I ask why?

Grandmabatty Mon 18-Jan-21 20:17:52

Sorry,I missed that you paid for your own meal. My mistake. Is she struggling for money or struggling in some other way? Perhaps her overreacting is because she didn't get you anything and feels bad but is going about it the wrong way.

Smileless2012 Mon 18-Jan-21 20:19:01

I agree MissA. What's wrong with a mum being honest about how she feels to her AC.

BlueBelle Mon 18-Jan-21 20:20:12

watermeadow I totally understand your hurt, to get no card no present and pay for your own takeaway on your birthday would feel really hurtful
Blimey if she’s short of cash you can get cards for less than£1 and a bunch of flowers from the supermarket for a fiver and buy you your takeaway would probably have cost her £15 tops if she’s really pushed for money I m sure you would have understood if she’d have just said ‘mum things are really tight now but I ll make up for it later Happy birthday’
Presumably there’s more to it than this as you say she missed your other daughters birthday too
I wouldn’t say anything else just wait and see and try and put it behind you

nadateturbe Mon 18-Jan-21 20:26:44

I don't think I would have said anything. Did she wish you a happy birthday?
One of my children is very careful about remembering occasions. The other couldn't care less. But he's a very caring person in other ways. And you did have a meal with her. Perhaps she hasn't a lot of spare money. Maybe text and ask how she is. It's not worth falling out over.

Hetty58 Mon 18-Jan-21 20:37:12

Presents should never be expected, should they?

Perhaps Watermeadow, your daughter can't afford to buy one, doesn't want to risk shopping (with the danger of catching Covid) - or just has problems of her own?

It was very rude to make a fuss about it - so you should apologise.

MissAdventure Mon 18-Jan-21 21:10:23

Why wouldn't the daughter just say she couldn't afford one, though??
Do people really spend their time wondering what's going on but never saying a word?

M0nica Mon 18-Jan-21 21:16:53

Hardly a 'rift' in the family, more a storm in a teacup.

Sara1954 Mon 18-Jan-21 22:17:59

I remember my mother making a dreadful fuss one year, because she didn’t get a present on her actual birthday, I’d been away, and it was a few days late. What absolutely enraged me, was that I never forgot her birthday, but my brother, if he bothered at all, was always late, and no thought would have gone into it at all.
I found her behaviour to be childish and ridiculous, so I think probably an apology is in order.