Does money = value in a relationship

Ok ladies. I really appreciate all the comments. We’ve just been for a walk and I asked him how he thought I’d live. He hadn’t even considered it. I was hurt and lashed out. Told him exactly what I thought. We’re now pretending nothing happened. I’ll let it sit for a while and see if, like most men, he comes up with a solution as if he thought about it ?. Thanks again. You’re good counsellors ?

You posted I won’t stay where I’m not valued.
But that's exactly what you are doing ?
Why ?

"We're now pretending nothing happened" even though "he hadn't even considered" how you would live when he's gone!! Can't think of anything more to offer.

So you choose to rugsweep and put the control on his hands.

Take back your power and make a decision that is best for you

I never cease to be surprised by what women will put up with in order to be part of a couple. I’d have left the relationship the first time I wasn’t consulted about holiday plans.

I'm glad to hear that you have tackled him about your future. A couple I our family were in a similar situation and the will stated that the wife could live in the house for her lifetime and only then could the children inherit. At least you would have si security, if that's what you would like.

geekesse

I never cease to be surprised by what women will put up with in order to be part of a couple. I’d have left the relationship the first time I wasn’t consulted about holiday plans.

I know everyone deals with relationships in different ways, but to leave the first time things go wrong doesn't give time or scope to sort anything out, and could easily lead to unnecessary loneliness in the end.

I think the OP has done the right thing by bringing the subject up and leaving her partner time to think about what she has said. It's what happens next (ie after he's thought about it all) that matters.

I don't see that as 'putting the control in his hands', either. If he comes back with a suggestion that the OP doesn't like, they can negotiate from there. I might be a bit hurt that he hadn't thought about all of this before, but sometimes people just don't think, and it seems unfair to condemn someone before they've had a chance to put things right.

People can't be bullied or coerced into doing things they don't want to - well, they can, but that's not a great basis for a relationship, IMO. Communication and compromise count for a lot, and the OP has started the ball rolling.

Lots of women like to have their holidays paid for. I had a friend in England who used to say "I hope Fred will take me to (anywhere) on holiday" He always left it to the last moment, they didn't go where she wanted to go. I used to ask her why she didn't organise and pay for it herself - she had the money. But she wanted to be "treated"

We were on holiday together one year, 8 of us, and every time we walked past a jewellers, she'd say "I hope Fred will buy that for our anniversary" They left after a week and then a few days later a telegram arrived from "Fred" asking one of us to buy it and take it to their house on the day of the anniversary.

I think there are a lot of red flags. He has no/little communication with either child and his ex wife is awful. She well may be but it seems as if nearly every significant person in his life had difficulties with him. There comes a time when it's worth asking if its him not them.

He did show it to me didn’t he. I wasn’t looking ?‍♀️ I guess I chose not to look ?. Hmm it’s been an interesting day to say the least. Some harsh but true comments. Decision time now. I’m too old to rush this. The future will be...

Thanks Doodledog. I think your comment comes the closest to how I feel I should handle this. I’ve thrown relationships away before because they weren’t perfect. I’ve learned perfect doesn’t exist. Much appreciated

He needs to change his will.

First thing in the morning you need to make arrangements to talk jointly to a solicitor about drawing up new wills for both of you so that you both have a clear understanding of what your position will be if the other dies first. The solicitor will be able to advise both of you on how to leave your assets in a way which is fair to the surviving partner and your various children and grandchildren and which will leave nobody homeless.

Never mind "letting it sit", you need to get this sorted now. The unexpected can happen to anyone. A year ago, my OH left the house and got killed crossing the road. At least, during the worst year of my life, I have had the reassurance of knowing his affairs were in order and that I have a roof over my head because we both cared about each other and took the trouble to make our arrangements watertight.

If your OH is not willing to do this, then that should be all the answer you need - start house hunting. Sorry if that's harsh but some things are just too important to be left undone.

You're not mercenary, everything you need to know is in the word 'partner'.

Was it Maya Angelou who said "when people show you who they are, believe them the first time" ?

If he wants a companion/carer with benefits I think he'd be looking at around £25 an hour without the benefits!

Time to follow his example and look after yourself just like he's been looking after himself. You're not responsible for who he chooses to be. Best wishes with it all. x

So you choose to rugsweep and put the control on his hands. Take back your power and make a decision that is best for you
I do think that you need to look at the dynamics in this relationship. I agree sometimes it is best to leave time for someone to think but to me "pretending nothing happened" is really not part of that process.

Maybe "well now you are aware, I'll give you a bit if time to think and then we can sit down properly on Tuesday and talk about our perspectives and make a plan."

Very specific, very clear and more equal in the process. A partnership!

WW010

Thank you all. There are several nails hit on head here. Yes his ex wife fleeced him. Yes I think I’m companion/ housekeeper with benefits. So for now, I’m saving my cash and behaving as exactly that. I can leave if I want and he knows that. I won’t stay where I’m not valued. The talk will come. I’m not someone who can stay quiet. Thank you for seeing I’m not mercenary. I think it’s my need for fairness that is offended. If I thought he was being fair I’d have no problems thanks all. You’ve cleared my mind. Have a nice Sunday. Xxx.

This is the position of all unmarried couples isn’t it, you stay for the companionship and being “looked after”. You could leave now, if you think the relationship has gone sour that’s probably the best thing, although it depends how much you value his companionship. He is probably thinking he is saving you renting your own place and so it is an equal partnership.

You havn’t mentioned your ages, how do you feel about nursing him into his old age, men don’t get easier as they get older. After 8 yrs you should get something, but what?.

An allowance of £500 (or 1000) a month?.
The house for your lifespan
Or what would make you feel valued

I’m not really sure what else to say, except why do you stay with him? Sorry if it’s already been asked. My personal opinion, when there are discussions around presents etc for step children / grandchildren, is there should be no obligation for them to be acknowledged. So long as the ‘ real ‘ grandparents are, and there is no mis treatment of them. However...he doesn’t seem to acknowledge you either. I can’t really see what you’re getting from the relationship, if you can call it that...or him either. Perhaps housekeeper/ secretary? It sounds mismatched. He may have designs on this other woman. If you’re able to...I think you should plan to leave, you don’t talk about love at all. You just seem to have the raw end of the deal.....but I can’t quite work out what that is. Maybe talk to Citizens Advice, as because you’ve been contributing to the home, there may be something you’re entitled to legally. I do hope you find a way forward with it all.

I also think you must broach the subject with him.

Start perhaps by saying you are worried, you don't want to be mercenary etc. but are concerned about where you would go if anything happened to him....

Are you afraid of him? If not, try to raise the subject when you are both in a calm mood and keep your cool.

Perhaps ask a Solicitor for advice? I don't know what this would cost.

It sounds like the OP has had years of difficulties to me. Time to put it to bed.

LTB

I thought I’d come back to this one with update. After our walk/row I seriously planned to move out. But I realise I do love him. I was very torn but looking to a future away from him. However, he changed. He suddenly started buying food etc instead of leaving it to me. Started putting petrol in my car. Small things I know but a change. And, more importantly, his attitude to me became much warmer. He started to be a little bit affectionate which I know is not a natural thing for him. (I suspect he’s on the autism spectrum somewhere). He’s trying hard and our relationship is much nicer. We’re actually happy! The money thing hasn’t been addressed but I have a plan B and that reassures me that if things go wrong I’ll be ok.
I just wanted to thank you all as you gave me support when I really needed it. And good advice too. ?

WW010 That's really good news, really glad to hear things have improved. x

Glad you have a Plan B!
My mum, who was happily married from the age of 20 until her death at 78, taught me that I should always have an escape route.
I should have someone I knew I could go to, some 'stocking money', a skill to earn my living, and my own pension.

I do think that some 'straight line thinkers' don't see things that are obvious to others. Also some people who are comfortably off don't always appreciate others' attitude to money. I can imagine him thinking 'She doesn't want to choose a holiday, she leaves it to me'. I could also see some people thinking '6 months is time to find her own place' without recognising the devastation of bereavement.

I think you need to explore being rather more assertive as you have described. Also, it may be obvious, but many couple in a relationship such as yours have a joint account for expenses, and maybe holidays, into which they pay the same proportion of their income.

I see amber rather than red flags, but I would firm up the Plan B. Good luck!

Good news WW010 glad things are starting to improve for you, hope plan B succeeds.

I am glad that things have improved WW010. I was concerned that your original post mentioned nothing about love and affection.
Your next step should be to get married. This will give you the financial security you deserve as his partner in life and I believe your family will be very pleased for you.
You do realise that if he was hospitalised you wouldn’t even be next of kin. If he became unable to look after his own affairs his children could step in, put him in a home and kick you out? Who has his Power of attorney?
Getting married would solve all that.
If he cares enough he would want to protect you.