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Does money = value in a relationship

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WW010 Sun 24-Jan-21 10:15:04

Hi. Have a conundrum I’d like help with. My OH of 8 years (not married) is very comfortable financially. I’m okish. I can survive. ?. I ask for nothing and I get nothing! I pay half of living expenses but we live in his house. He pays for holidays-but he chooses them as he’s paying- I can’t afford to do otherwise. He’s very careful with money. He has a son who he sees but he is not allowed to be involved in his sons life. He has a daughter who lives in London- we’re in the North. He hasn’t seen her -her choice - for 5 years. She speaks to him once or twice a year. Usually at Christmas. She doesn’t acknowledge I exist - his ex wife left him well before we met. I have a son and daughter who are regularly in our lives and 2 grandchildren who adore their grandad.
He has never been generous with me but this last Christmas threw me. I got the usual gift of low value and not much thought. He bought nothing for my kids or our grandchildren. But I discover he bought his daughter a running machine! Also he bought a friend of ours a lovely little gift ‘because he knew she’d love it’. That’s very nice, she is lovely, but it’s strange to me. We don’t really know her. We’ve only met her twice some years ago. There’s nothing sinister. She’s very happily married and I have a suspicion she’s a bit thrown too by messages she sends to me. It’s almost as if we’re humouring him?
His Will reflects this behaviour too. I get nothing and have to be out of the house - my home - in 6 months as his kids will want to sell it. His kids get everything. (He doesn’t know I’ve seen his will). They’re a very money oriented family and we’re not. But I feel like my resentment to this lack of gifts/financial support means I’m actually ‘money oriented too’! I feel it means I’m not valued. I feel he values ‘the wrong people’ - I’m cringing as I write that ?. Is it me?? I just want to understand more than anything. If I ask it makes me look grabbing. He won’t understand. He’s not good at stuff like that. I keep thinking there’s years ahead of us and things could change. I shouldn’t throw this away just for money - but is it actually about money or value?? Help please ❤️

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Nannarose Thu 18-Feb-21 15:49:41

Esspee: from a health point of view in the UK, there is no legal 'next of kin'. You can name who you like (I think some US States have rules about it, also it's a 'plot device' in some dramas).
However, if it comes to serious decisions, it is advisable to have a health & welfare power of attorney in place. That applies even if you are married.

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WW010 Thu 18-Feb-21 16:09:33

Esspee

I am glad that things have improved WW010. I was concerned that your original post mentioned nothing about love and affection.
Your next step should be to get married. This will give you the financial security you deserve as his partner in life and I believe your family will be very pleased for you.
You do realise that if he was hospitalised you wouldn’t even be next of kin. If he became unable to look after his own affairs his children could step in, put him in a home and kick you out? Who has his Power of attorney?
Getting married would solve all that.
If he cares enough he would want to protect you.

We do love each other. He’s very poor at showing it, like a lot of men but he’s been trying hard lately to be better. He won’t marry me though because he’s frightened I’ll take all his money. His son is very controlling regards finances and has told his dad that pre nups aren’t legal so he shouldn’t get married. I’m imagining your faces now ?. I just get on with my life and leave them to their neuroses. Let them tie themselves in knots if they want. I know I’m ok and my kids are great. He’s scared to death of his son and (absent) daughter. He thinks if he doesn’t give them his money they’ll disappear- even more than they have already. It’s very sad.
His son is determined to stay next of kin. I have thought what if he died suddenly - I would be out on my ear - but I can’t live thinking like that. I’m taking it gently. I think he doesn’t realise how it would be for me but I have to put that across gently. Pushing only creates a wall. I’m not daft. I’ve got my ducks in rows and I’m making sure I have my own security in place. Lockdown is creating a lot of tension for people and I think we’ve suffered a bit with that. Being together 24/7 is tough but we’re surviving it which must be ok!. Once we’re out of this things will be clearer I hope and easier to address issues. Thanks again for caring. You don’t know me but it’s lovely to be listened to and supported. ❤️

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Jackie12 Sat 20-Feb-21 13:13:15

Hi.
I'm in a similar situation. But we have now done legalities so that
1. If he dies before me, i stay here as long as i want
2. I own 50% of house increase value between the day i moved in and the day i leave for whatever reason.
Hated having the discussion about money but once i had i felt so relieved.
I would suggest you tell him your concerns. Then take it from there. I wouldn't mention having seen his will because whether you'd seen it or not the dilemna is the same.
Regarding presents etc thats a secondary matter.
You're right to be concerned about your future security. Best of luck.
Jackie

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