Breakdown in relationship with daughter

If it was me. I would give her a few weeks to herself and then broach the subject with her. As 'Not Spaghetti' says, I would go down that route but leave her for a while. Sending hugs.

I am almost 64, and have a 29 year old daughter who has always been difficult but after a falling out in 2016, when my husband threw her out of our house, after I asked him to speak to her about her attitude, she has been very distant with me, didn't speak to me at all for over a year, and has recently upset me again by being nasty to me! I already suffered from depression, which after what happened in 2016, became so severe because of the issues with my daughter, that I required hospital admission in September 2019! I remain traumatized by that, and it has damaged my relationship with my husband and my GP!
My husband just cannot see why I let her attitude get to me, but then he has always been the favoured parent, whereas I have never felt as if I could reach my daughter! My 26 year old son, to whom I have always been close, and who still lives at home, says that his sister isn't going to change, and I should keep her at a distance. He has been doing it for years! I know his advice is sound, but it breaks my heart not to have a good relationship with both my kids! I am an only child and I lost my own mum to cancer in 1997, when she was younger than I am now. She was my best friend and I miss her every single day!
I am presently taking my son's advice, for my own sanity, but finding it very hard!
So I think that it would be in your own interests to distance yourself from your daughter, but I can understand how hard this might be for you. You have my utmost sympathy! xx

Acknowledging you are both grieving for the loss of someone so special to you both has your DD said how she had expected to be more included in the funeral arrangements? Has she been involved in making these kind of arrangements ever before. Perhaps she just doesn't appreciate how restricted funerals are just now. Put your concerns on paper, highlighting what you did and why and ask what she had anticipated would be done that she wasn't included in. Yes your DD is grieving as are you but she has to have some reason niggling away to make her so unaccepting of the funeral arrangements. You don't say how old DD is. You do imply there are other GC, how have they reacted?

After my dad died, my mum and me were not estranged exactly, but I was not as supportive of her as I should have been. My dad and me had always been very close and I somehow blamed my mum. Your daughter is grieving and hitting out at you because you’re a ‘safe’ target. Just let her know you’re there for her and leave her to come round in her own good time. At the moment, she cannot hear what you have to say, but I think she will eventually.

I think NellG has given you a thoughtful and wise answer and I hope you will find it helpful. I will only add that I feel for you and the pain you are going through and I hope you will find the kind of support NellG suggested. Your daughter is suffering too and is probably not able at the moment to be calm and rational and understand what has happened from your point of view - so I hope for you both that she too finds a way ahead which helps her heal and come to understand better what has happened. You do need to find support for yourself - you are going through a terribly painful time.

So sorry to hear of your loss Hollie57. We all react in different ways when someone we love dies and none of us know how we will take it, but often there is what I call the burden of guilt. It sounds as if your dd has a mix of grief and maybe guilt and is sadly taking it out on you. Some have suggested you apologise if she felt you left her out. Could I make a further suggestion leading on from this? You could have a memorial service, formal or informal, to be held when we finally come out of lockdown, and perhaps your dd would like to organise it.

My sincere condolences for the loss of your mum hollie.

As has already been said, anger is a part of the grieving process and that is often directed at those we are close too. That said for your D to be reducing you to tears at this time is unacceptable.

My advice is to leave your D to work through her own grief so that you have the space to work through your own.

my brother has tried asking her to apologise to me but she says no what do I do now

Maybe she is waiting for an apology?

I would (if this were me) apologise and tell her directly that you love her and did not deliberately leave her out. That this was not your intention. That in your own grief, exhaustion and at a distance you perhaps didn't fully recognise the pain she was going through. She obviously thinks you have done this (even though you say you tried to include her) so, sadly, this is her truth.

If it was my daughter I would need to talk about it... explain where I came from but not be defensive.

Often, if we acknowledge we could perhaps have done things better, our sincerity will be accepted. If we say "no I didn't", this invariably will not.

People grieve in different ways. Anger is often a stage in the grieving process with close relations being at the brunt of it.

If too much is made of the anger it can cause a permanent rift. It is easier to deal with anger than sadness as an emotion, try not to take the anger out on each other but see it for what it is.

I would suggest that next time you speak acknowledge that anger is a stage of grief and you need each other at this time.

A sad situation, but along with grief comes a certain amount of guilt, usually aimed at the nearest and dearest in the family, such as yourself. I would say that your DD is still grieving and hurting so I'd leave her be until this raw time in her life subsides. x

within* not wished.

Oh Hollie, what an awful situation, I am so sorry. I think the clue here is that she was a favourite and maybe feels that closeness 'earned' her the right to be equally involved in the arrangements. But you did your best under extra difficult circumstances and unless you deliberately pushed her out you have nothing to feel bad about.

I suspect her grief over losing her grandmother is leaking out onto you. There are many stages of grief and anger is one of them, it seems she might be stuck in this phase and directing it at you.

One thing I will say is that she wont be able to help you with your grief whilst she's like this, so it's worth finding a safe, neutral person to support you (one who isn't going to take sides and potentially make things worse) It might even be worth talking to Cruse ( bereavement service). So very much do what you need to do to look after you, neglecting your needs in this wont help anyone.

These losses often bring out sides of us we didn't know were there, and bring up things we didn't know were a problem. it's sadly not an unusual story, and you are not alone. My mother's death catalysed rifts wishing our family. Some healed, some didn't.

For now it might be worth writing down why you did things the way you did - explain that Covid restrictions made thing such harder and how difficult it is to anticipate everyone's needs when you are in the throes of loss yourself. You might want to send it as a letter to your daughter, you might just want to keep it as a reference to your own thoughts and feelings on the matter.

Either way let your daughter know somehow that you are sorry she was hurt, it was never intended, that you are grieving too and that you would love to hear from her when she feels able to discuss things without upset on either side because you are human and she is loved. It's all you can do to be fair to her and yourself.

I hope things ease for you soon, and again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Putting aside all the understandable emotion just for a moment.
Is she feeling guilty for not seeing enough of her GM perhaps?

Is there a will, and is she in it?
Sorry if that sounds cold.

If she wont speak calmly to you, it you cant listen calmly to her (because the situation is so emotive) could you write to her?

This is a hard time for both of you