How can I move on?

Pink tulip, I was in your situation ten years ago. My ex husband even had the same arrogant attitude. I know the thought of divorce and being on your own is frightening, but you can make a new life for yourself! I thought I would never get over the pain but I did and I’m stronger and happier than I ever was with him. One thing that helped me was reminding myself daily that no one was coming to rescue me. In other words, I had to stand on my own two feet and not rely on anyone but myself for decision-making, happiness, my future plans and so on. I found the inner strength to pull myself up and out of my miserable situation and created my new life. I don’t need a man to be happy and I quite enjoy being in charge of every decision. I am enough.

Yes you are all right. This is hopeless.

I was very shocked to see he had hidden her on his phone and then lied about never contacting her. I thought he was trying to reconcile with me but actually I think he really dislikes me.

I think it's probably true that he doesn't want to be alone that's all. He's very bitter about OW's husband. He says "OW husband will never trust her again like you don't trust me, and that's their punishment".

I feel like I can't face the horrible legal fights that are going to happen now. I want to just fade out of it all.

Exactly, justwokeup.

' Killed himself ' - just rubbish, he's trying to keep you there so he's not alone, maybe until something better comes along. You said earlier ' He told the counsellor that he had been unhappy with me for years, that i didnt care about him '. The man lies about everything, why are you still there? If you really can't foresee a life without him you will have to put up with this lying until the end of your days, or until he gets some better offer ... and if you stay together he will get half of your pension anyway! I'd make use of the times he is working away to get your finances clear and in order, start making plans, and get advice from a sympathetic solicitor. Don't wait until he tells you to go, regain your pride and take control.

I share EV’s reaction. The OW’s failure to respond to his email indicates she’s moved on from him; this is exactly what I’d do if I were you after his appalling treatment. I’d act upon the sound advice you’ve been given above. He’s playing mind games with you. At 62 HE’S too old to grow up as he should do but at 62 you’re not too old to look forward to a better life without him.

He is keeping you on a string Pinktulip don't fall for it, you will be so much happier away from him and his machinations. Call time on this one sided relationship, move on and be happy.

The question you should ask yourself is how long do you want to feel like this. You either stay with him and feel like this for an indefinite amount of time (could be forever until you heal) or go now and forge a life without him. You are still young enough to do so. He didn't see you as his best friend did he? I would look into flight for Australia and would be on the first flight out. It is very difficult to get over infidelity I would think.

Also he keeps saying stuff about being old. Yesterday he held out his hand to me and said ‘look at that it’s an old man’s wrinkled old hand’ . He’s 62. His hands look fine!

An update on my situation:
I feel a bit stronger and I decided to lie low, wait until lockdown over and really consider my options.

Meanwhile my husband is being quite attentive if a bit standoffish which i put down to guilt, awkwardness.

Today i happened to see on his phone that he had hidden OW identity by calling her email account another name. She had not contacted him, but he emailed her a couple of months ago to say a mutual friend had died and he thought she’d like to know. He was told me there has been no contact between them.

She didn't reply but i can see he had used it as an excuse to contact her so obviously still thinking about her.

We’ve had a huge row. He says he loves me but after 40 years he doesn't feel so passionately about me. He says if i had left him when he confessed to his affair he wouldn't be here now (killed himself). He says he wants to buy house and land in the country and then move there on his own and I can visit as a friend and if we get on I can live there with him. He also says that in the 2 years since the affair he has not been happy with me.
This is awful. I feel he really dislikes me. Why didn’t he just leave me and have done with it?
Has anyone experienced something like this?

As always, a lot of good advice on here. Some of it quite drastic though. If you don't really know what you want to do and feel like you have to decide on the spot, then you don't have to. You've been put in this position out of the blue and have not been prepped for it. I think I'd be inclined to pack a suitcase and move out for a while (cheap hotel/ friends couch, etc). Realise that with covid this might be tricky. I'd read the book "Feel the fear and do it anyway" too. (Think that's what it's called. When you're ready, you'll make the right decision for you. X

Pinktulip, 'scared to be all alone' is not a good reason to continue a relationship, is it? You are still young and perfectly capable of changing your life for the better.

EllanVannin is spot on.
And your`e never to old to make a fresh start,what a vile man,and what a sh..head of a woman.

You sound like me, wish I could leave but I have no family like you. I have no money of my own so it’s very hard my husband says he will love her for evermore he shows no affection.
I must be mad staying I am 62 retired and stuck.
So I completely understand I feel for you his affair happened 22 years ago you will think I am mad but I will never forgive him. Do hope you are ok I feel for you let’s hope you can be happy again

If he is cash rich but pension poor you will have to be very careful. Lots of photographs of bank statements. I can understand you are scared of taking an irrevocable step but he has not treated you well or with respect. You say you are worried about starting again but the alternative is staying in a very unhappy marriage. Only you can decide which is bearable. Good luck.

Thank you Pinktulip for your reply to my post.
Yet again OW was a stay at home perfectionist and I a worker
More time on her hands to spoil the man and of course look in the mirror to try and perfect her looks lol ?
I have a very rewarding ending to my ex husband story which I will tell one day but its truly a amazing one

I dont know yet if i’ll divorce. Its complicated because altho DH has plenty of cash he had no pensions. I have pensions I want to keep for me!
Maybe if we separate without divorce at first that would be best. Im going to think about it over lockdown.

Mary59nana so funny u said u tried to emulate OW. I actually stopped eating (OW tall and thin) and I kept stressing to DH how important and interesting my job is (OW was stay at home mum for many years and then just v boring job). All pathetic on my part. I felt like I had gone mad - which is what happens in aftermath of affair revelation. I just felt like my whole character and looks and way of being had been wiped out. I would not wish this on my worst enemy (except OW obvs!).
But you have all made me see there is light ahead.

Pinktulip you are going to divorce him aren't you? If you had been able to just put this gross betrayal to the back of your mind and moved on, as your selfish husband has, then you wouldn't have posed the question on here would you? We give your permission!! Get online, find a good divorce lawyer, and get your paperwork sorted.

You could regret going for , or you could regret not going for it. But if you do go for it you will experience many new experiences, so I guess I am trying to say don't base your decision on wither or not you may or may not have regrets.
Regard it as decision to do something that you feel is right for you to do at this moment in time . Then see where the road takes you, best wishes

As others have said, get your ducks in a row. You are probably entitled to some of his pension but that needs a lawyer. Do you own your house? You are probably entitled to half of that as well. Quietly gather as much financial information as you can or salary slips, pension details, etc. Be careful that he doesn't take out loans without you knowing. When you are ready, contact a lawyer. Do not agree to go to that so called counsellor again. Read some of the posts on MN as they will help you. Tell him nothing as he will use it against you. This man is not your friend and if he suspects you intend to leave, then he will become even nastier. I would tell your daughter everything as her father might get there first and poison her. Show her this thread, if you can. You can and will have a decent life ahead of you. You don't need to make decisions about where you will live just now. ? For you.

I’ve private message u

I know i was reading your post and I was thinking to myself omg same women.
I spent about 2years thinking about myself and how I must change my looks or try and make the perfect sponge just to show him im as good as her ...?crazy I know but its part of the hurt / grief we go through.
So back on the right and getting to like myself again and be the person I was but stronger and independent.

Mary59nana i hope it’s not the same OW!

Glad your thinking more upbeat today as we have all been there.
Like I said before in my previous post our story is so similar right down to husband going on hols / her cake baking / and adult child in oz
Go girl go

A word of caution Pinktulip if you do decide to visit your daughter in Australia when its possible do so ensure your finances are safe before you go. I wouldn't want you to come back and find you have suffered financially as well. Emotions are one thing but unfortunately we also need some financial security. Take care.