Should I tell her husband?

I think now is the time to get him out of your house - ha has somewhere to go that he kept a secret from you - get legal advice and initiate divorce proceedings. He’s been leading you on for years and time for you to take the reins! Not really sure that telling her husband is helpful, but I would tell your family and close friends. Ps. Do you know here husband? If so, then perhaps you could arrange to speak with him. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I think the OP is the making of a sleazy novel and the person concerned is running out of ideas in how to take the story forward.

Who, in their right mind would have let this sordid activity go on for so long? And employing a PI as well as funding a separate flat? Wake up and smell the coffee!

Your husband is spending money out of your joint resources to rent a flat? I'd be making sure that my finances were secure and then initiating divorce proceedings. Hiring PIs and spying on their activities will not make you feel better, it's like picking at a scab, but moving on from this miserable marriage will. Your husband sounds like an absolute fool, TBH. Let him go.

I am getting very mixed messages here. This blatant affair has been going on for four years at least. He has said it is all over numerous times and gone straight back to his mistress.

And now you are asking us for advice about what you should do, Should you tell the other woman's husband. Isn't that blindingly obvious?

I think this appeal to us is another stalling exercise, you are half hoping we will recommend, or someone will recommend that you do nothing, say nothing accept being humiliated daily by this unpleasant couple, instead of just packing your bag and walking out.

I think the first thing you need to do is sit down with yourself and have a good talk. Ask yourself, why you are so determined to accept this humiliation. Did you grow up in a home, where your mother/grandmother/aunts, meekly acquiesced with flagrantly unfaithful spouses, perhaps it was a deeply religious home where the breakdown of a marriage for any reason was totally abhorrent. Was someone crushed by emotional blackmail when they tried to leave. Is your husband's behaviour, typical of all your past relationships.

Whatever the reason, you need to find out what you want, what you really really want. Chuck out the unrealistic - your H repents his wicked ways, returns to you repentant and is faithful ever after. That is so definitely not going to happen.
Do you want to keep suffering? Are you terrified of being on your own for any reason, so stay for that reason? Whatever it is you need to sit down and talk honestly to yur self. Perhaps seek councillingto help you through.

As for telling the woman's husband. You do not need to tell him face-to-face. Write to him, email him, text him.

Currently, I think there is something stopping you leave - and it isn't that you are worried about the welfare of the woman's family. Find out what that is and your next step will not need advice from us.

I'd suggest speaking to a solicitor as soon as you can....get as much information about rights etc and then talk to your children - with care.
Then decide what YOU want to do.

Personally, if it was my husband he'd have been long gone but you have to make that decision / choice.
My ex partner had an affair many years ago...I packed his things and took them to her house, I actually piled them in the garden and suggested to her that if she wanted him so much then she could have his too!
I was much younger and far more quick tempered and have to say, it did feel good.

GrannyTracey Do you really think your husband is going to change after 4 years I think not,how do you know the OWs husband does not already knows of her relationship with you husband after all this time it would be hard for him not to know don't you think ?
Get all your finances in order and show him the door he is not going to change,you are still young and able to enjoy your life when you start again you certainly don't want to spend the rest of your life being miserable with this man.

Like timetogo2016, I think you might be wise to tell your children. You can do this without having to badmouth him completely or say he's a bad father etc..... I suppose a lot will depend on how he's treated you in general terms, apart from the affair.

I am so sorry for you.

It would definitely serve her right if you told her husband.

However, if you are going to try and divorce as amicably as possible and with a fair settlement, it might backfire. You might make the divorce process worse.

Her husband will find out soon enough, I imagine. Maybe he already knows and thinks you don't know.

I would definately tell him.
Between them both they have ruined your marriage.
And start divorce proccedings asap,he doesn`t deserve you.
I would also tell you Dc.

The question is if her husband had evidence and you had teenage children, would you want him to tell you?

Leave them to stew in their own filthy juice and focus on getting out of it and building a life for yourself. Telling her husband will achieve nothing, all that will happen is that you will become the bad guy.

Revenge is generally a dish best left well alone.

?

Is this posting for real or a fake?

I am not sure what you would hope to achieve by telling this woman's husband. If you are honest with yourself, are you hoping that this would force the 'friendship/affair to stop and he will come back to you? I think you know that is not going to happen, and even if they did stop, you could never trust him again.

You need to take a decision on your life now, which needs to be without him, giving yourself a chance to recover and build a new life. Don't waste money or mental anguish on investigators, as others have said, that way lies madness.

Tell her husband. Have the whole damn thing out so everyone involved knows.

They have taken you for an idiot GrannyTracy. To be honest, you have allowed them to do this, BUT that should be the end of it now.

Tell the wife. Get a solicitor. Tell him to get out. He has a flat to go to so no problems there. Also tell your children you and their father are divorcing and why. Knowing they support you will help you through it.

Once everything is out in the open, it will be so much harder for you to weaken and take him back. And you will want to do that, so take all the steps you need to, to stop yourself from weakening and doing it.

The next few weeks will be very hard, BUT after he has gone and everyone knows, you will start to pick up again. AND you will feel better having your self respect back.

I agree with BlueBelle you have wasted too much time on this man already. Don't spend any more time or money on this, make a new life for yourself and be happy.
Sounds like you have got so involved with this you are not thinking straight any more, take several steps back and retain your sanity.

Don’t bother. Just get on with sorting your own life out. How do you know he doesn’t already know ? You don’t know what goes on in other peoples lives. I told the husband when this happened to me. I was told I was mentally ill and that his wife was so beautiful lots of men fell for her. He knew but it suited them for her to have other men. Don’t get involved. Just look after yourself. Good luck. ❤️

I would suggest that you need to see a solicitor.

You will not be hurting her husband, they are the ones doing that. Please do tell him, if it is all so innocent (which it very obviously isn't) then when his wife explains it to him it wouldn't hurt him anyway. I had this done to me, he needs to know, please.

I have immense sympathy for your situation, but do you think telling the husband will make this unpleasant pair stop their relationship? Ignoring the fact that she told you she had informed her husband and the police that your husband was stalking her, your husband knows this affair causes you immense distress, but persists in continuing it and they both tell you increasingly preposterous lies. You are caught up in their horrid game, and only you can end it; there is no easy solution.

I may have this wrong but it sounds as if you are sneaking around following/watching them (coming out of flat etc) please stop - that way madness lies

Your Husbands HAIRDRESSER ? ?

My OH got his hair cut at the Barber

If your best buddies know about this affair you can bet your bottom dollar the whole town knows so just go to your solicitor and get rid of him

I echo what others have said about splitting with husband permanently. Sooner rather than later. If you are thinking of telling her husband because you think it will bring your lying cheating partner back to you don't bother. If it is because you feel he deserves to know then go for it. Think of yourself first... Best of luck ?

Why are you worrying about spoiling someone else’s life , stop being a doormat to your husband,tell him go and live with his hairdresser and start to make a life for yourself, The pair of them have not given you a thought, why give them one? Stop wasting your money on a PI and save it to start a new life in a nice flat. Good Luck. Do it !!!

I agree with everyone else. Your focus should be on divorcing your husband and making a new life for yourself.