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Should I tell her husband?

(59 Posts)
GrannyTracey Mon 15-Feb-21 05:44:25

I am 57 years young . Married 28 years , kids both settled so no worries there . Four years ago I found sex texts & naked pictures of my husbands hairdresser on his phone . I confronted him . He said it was all a joke & swore he wouldn’t see her again . 6 months later I was suspicious & paid a P I to follow him . He was caught sneaking into the back door of her salon after the shop closed . I went to see her & she said they were friends & just chatting .he said the same .I stupidly thought my marriage was worth saving & listened to his promises . Two years ago I found one text on his phone from her it said “in a heart beat “ he said she had text him out if the blue & he had replied & that was her answer . The reply never matched his explanation. I went to see her & said I would tell her husband & she told me it was him , that he was stalking her & she was frightened to be in the shop alone any more & had told her husband & the police . I told my husband & he was horrified & it seemed to stop . Until the Xmas holidays . He let me out find my phone in his phone but I think he must have forgotten. He kept going to work in the holidays & I checked & he was going to a flat in town. . PI followed him & filmed him with her . I confronted him & he denied it was her but said he needed space so had rented a flat & was leaving me . I think he has had the flat for months . She closed her salon & they had no where to go . I caught them last Monday coming out of the flat . He is begging me not to tell her husband ( they have 16 & 19 yr old kids). I feel so bad & don’t want to ruin anyone’s life but I really want to tell him . My husband said why would I tell her husband when it’s just a friend ship . I think even if it is just a friend ship that he should know about it . After all my evidence shows boundaries were crossed with texts & pictures. There is also a lot more info I have but I have already made thus post far too long . Thanks for reading , advice needed please ladies . Should I tell her man ?

lemsip Mon 15-Feb-21 06:01:17

A big fat YES is my answer.

GrannyTracey Mon 15-Feb-21 06:17:23

But I feel so bad doing this to their children lemsip . I would never intentionally hurt anyone but this is really making me struggle

BlueBelle Mon 15-Feb-21 06:28:03

I have no understanding as to why you wanted to carry on this ridiculous charade for four years spending money on a private detective to try and prove something you already had loads of proof about
How much more punishment do you want
You have had loads of proof for four years and you re still asking what to do
For once in your life start thinking about yourself and do what you should have done four years ago you shouldn’t need advice you know the answers
Good luck

GrannyTracey Mon 15-Feb-21 06:32:49

Thanks Bluebell , my two best mates have been telling me this for the last 4 years . I am such a scaredy cat . I spent the last 4 years trying to fix the unfixable & have been treated like shit & I am still letting him influence me .I need to get some balls

Sara1954 Mon 15-Feb-21 06:48:32

Never mind about her husband, that’s not your problem.
Get some self respect, divorce your husband, he sounds like a lying cheating waste of space.

mumofmadboys Mon 15-Feb-21 07:18:09

Has your husband moved out now? I am not sure from your post. I think you should concentrate on your own life and not say anything to the other husband. He will find out in due course. Take care.

FindingNemo15 Mon 15-Feb-21 07:46:49

You said it was her who told you her husband knew as she had told him herself and the police. I think it was your husband who did not want you to tell him.

Go to the husband and say I think you know why I am here as your wife has already told you, but I just want to clarify a few things.

Do not hang around and waste your life for another four years. Do it and move on.

nanna8 Mon 15-Feb-21 07:52:35

Get rid of him and start your new life. He will never change. Once a rotter always a rotter. Take him to the cleaners financially whilst you are at it !

Sheepandcattle Mon 15-Feb-21 08:16:15

I agree with everyone else. Your focus should be on divorcing your husband and making a new life for yourself.

Lilypops Mon 15-Feb-21 08:25:26

Why are you worrying about spoiling someone else’s life , stop being a doormat to your husband,tell him go and live with his hairdresser and start to make a life for yourself, The pair of them have not given you a thought, why give them one? Stop wasting your money on a PI and save it to start a new life in a nice flat. Good Luck. Do it !!!

Eviebeanz Mon 15-Feb-21 08:26:06

I echo what others have said about splitting with husband permanently. Sooner rather than later. If you are thinking of telling her husband because you think it will bring your lying cheating partner back to you don't bother. If it is because you feel he deserves to know then go for it. Think of yourself first... Best of luck 😊

aggie Mon 15-Feb-21 08:27:57

Your Husbands HAIRDRESSER ? ?

My OH got his hair cut at the Barber

If your best buddies know about this affair you can bet your bottom dollar the whole town knows so just go to your solicitor and get rid of him

Eviebeanz Mon 15-Feb-21 08:36:44

I may have this wrong but it sounds as if you are sneaking around following/watching them (coming out of flat etc) please stop - that way madness lies

eazybee Mon 15-Feb-21 08:37:49

I have immense sympathy for your situation, but do you think telling the husband will make this unpleasant pair stop their relationship? Ignoring the fact that she told you she had informed her husband and the police that your husband was stalking her, your husband knows this affair causes you immense distress, but persists in continuing it and they both tell you increasingly preposterous lies. You are caught up in their horrid game, and only you can end it; there is no easy solution.

N4n4 Mon 15-Feb-21 08:41:52

You will not be hurting her husband, they are the ones doing that. Please do tell him, if it is all so innocent (which it very obviously isn't) then when his wife explains it to him it wouldn't hurt him anyway. I had this done to me, he needs to know, please.

Daisymae Mon 15-Feb-21 08:48:24

I would suggest that you need to see a solicitor.

WW010 Mon 15-Feb-21 08:49:23

Don’t bother. Just get on with sorting your own life out. How do you know he doesn’t already know ? You don’t know what goes on in other peoples lives. I told the husband when this happened to me. I was told I was mentally ill and that his wife was so beautiful lots of men fell for her. He knew but it suited them for her to have other men. Don’t get involved. Just look after yourself. Good luck. ❤️

sodapop Mon 15-Feb-21 09:03:32

I agree with BlueBelle you have wasted too much time on this man already. Don't spend any more time or money on this, make a new life for yourself and be happy.
Sounds like you have got so involved with this you are not thinking straight any more, take several steps back and retain your sanity.

GagaJo Mon 15-Feb-21 09:10:29

Tell her husband. Have the whole damn thing out so everyone involved knows.

They have taken you for an idiot GrannyTracy. To be honest, you have allowed them to do this, BUT that should be the end of it now.

Tell the wife. Get a solicitor. Tell him to get out. He has a flat to go to so no problems there. Also tell your children you and their father are divorcing and why. Knowing they support you will help you through it.

Once everything is out in the open, it will be so much harder for you to weaken and take him back. And you will want to do that, so take all the steps you need to, to stop yourself from weakening and doing it.

The next few weeks will be very hard, BUT after he has gone and everyone knows, you will start to pick up again. AND you will feel better having your self respect back.

B9exchange Mon 15-Feb-21 09:13:36

I am not sure what you would hope to achieve by telling this woman's husband. If you are honest with yourself, are you hoping that this would force the 'friendship/affair to stop and he will come back to you? I think you know that is not going to happen, and even if they did stop, you could never trust him again.

You need to take a decision on your life now, which needs to be without him, giving yourself a chance to recover and build a new life. Don't waste money or mental anguish on investigators, as others have said, that way lies madness.

25Avalon Mon 15-Feb-21 09:17:49

Is this posting for real or a fake?

Greeneyedgirl Mon 15-Feb-21 09:22:33

🤔

NellG Mon 15-Feb-21 09:29:09

Leave them to stew in their own filthy juice and focus on getting out of it and building a life for yourself. Telling her husband will achieve nothing, all that will happen is that you will become the bad guy.

Revenge is generally a dish best left well alone.

Chardy Mon 15-Feb-21 09:35:55

The question is if her husband had evidence and you had teenage children, would you want him to tell you?