Should I tell her husband?

Why would your husband beg you not to tell her husband? What is your husband afraid of?

Maybe neither the hairdresser nor your husband want to divorce because of the dreaded expense to both of them of divorce.

Pay no attention to your husband's emotional blackmail regarding the hairdresser's children; they are young adults.

You need to protect your own financial interests . Make sure of what you think you own , for instance is the house in both your names?

Having been in a similar situation some years ago - long marriage, husband having affairs, me finding out, him promising to change, me believing him, him carrying on - I divorced him. Hindsight has shown me he already had a plan, which was why he agreed to much less than a 50/50 split. He went off with yet another woman - same age, unmarried, no kids (perfect scenario for him), married her shortly after our divorce was finalised, persuaded her to sell her house and they moved to another county. I hear he’s spending his share of the divorce settlement on kitting out their new home. He was in a lot of debt when he left our marriage; I truly believe he did what he did for financial reasons. Anyway, my advice to you is get rid of your cheating spouse, don’t give a second thought to his girlfriend’s husband, and start living your own life. I have sometimes wondered whether I should let my ex’s new (third) wife know what he’s really like but I suspect she’d say it was sour grapes on my part and wouldn’t believe me. She has to find out the truth on her own.

My goodness, what a mess & you've endured for all those years? Why? Don't lower your dignity by sharing what you know with the other husband. You'll probably not gain anything.
In your shoes I'd calmly go about gathering financial information, pension funds etc & see a solicitor. Life is too short to mess around with anything but getting out of this disrespectful situation.
Feel the fear and do it anyway but stay clinically cool, collected and dignified. Don't lower yourself.

He should have been kicked out a long time ago, as for telling her husband, in the heat of the moment I would have done but after 4 yrs the pain would be dull and I wouldn’t bother.

They sound as if they are made for each other - bare-faced liars and cheats.

You sound too kind and decent to be putting up with this sort of behaviour. I agree that you should get a good solicitor and end the relationship immediately. If your children ask what has happened, tell them.

I would be so furious and so tempted to tell the husband but I suppose the more noble thing to do is to keep it to yourself.

Why would this be fake?
GrannyTracey isn't new here.

Please GrannyTracey believe what your good "real life" friends are saying and stop hoping that he will be faithful. He clearly can't give this woman up. It has been going on too long now and you have "heard it all".

Get a solicitor to explain what your options are regarding finances and unless you feel you want to live like this for potentially 30 years more, end it now whilst you are feeling motivated to look after yourself.

You should tell your children why in a measured non-vindictive way and I believe they will support you.
Tell them you have discussed it with him and he has been promising to change for four years. You have been patience itself!

Now he has a flat. It is coming out of your joint funding. This implies he/you can afford two homes.
Talk to a solicitor.
You can be free of this hurt.

Good luck.

I’m private message u

Just stop being a doormat, see a solicitor (surely if you can afford a PI you can afford a solicitor) and chuck him out. Four years! Jeez. I’m sorry but surely there is a limit to how long you can behave like this. Unless you are making it all up.

Name her on your divorce petition.

Be prepared. Protect yourself, see an understanding solicitor who backs women and take up their advice. Re housing, bank and what you are legally owed. Have all this in order before telling him. Don’t do anything before hand. Good luck.

Something very similar happen to friend of mine.
She found a phone with pics of women
Of course he said, they were women from work, all the BS they come out with. She said, she'll give it another go but unfortunately a year later, she found another phone hidden in his gym bag, but this time, she found pics of mens private parts. She called the police as she wanted him out.
They came, and search the house to see if they was anything that shouldn't be there. They found £17,000 up stairs in wardrobe. My friend had no idea where that money came from, she believes he was saving money so he could start again somewhere. The police gave it to her, which was great for her.
The moral of this story is, once they go down that road, you can never trust them.
Luck for my friend, she got divorced, and met lovely guy on line.
So stay strong, walk away and don't look back

Focus on sorting your own life out and leave others to sort out theirs. Put your energy into next steps for you

I don't know if it was real or not but I was a bit amused by the hairdresser comments, why not the barbers? where I was brought up men and women went to the hairdressers, there were no barbers at all. I think there might be a couple now but nowhere near as many as you see down south, we are drowning under the strain of all the barbers and their beardy beards.

If you are real OP, get your paperwork together and see a solicitor. I don't think it matters if you tell her husband or not in all honesty but as others say you need to tell your own children.

Why tell the husband? This is common knowledge and I bet everybody knows

GrannyTracey
At 16 and 19 her children probably suspect, possibly know what’s going on. Concentrate on yourself!

Don't say that Avalon. Dottynan, geekesse.

I queried a thread a few weeks ago. I said no more than you have said, and I had GNHQ on my tail, metaphorically waving a big stick and accusing me of trolling [shocked]

Avalon, Dottynan, that was my first thought, too.

I agree in Avalon - is this post fake

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and start all over again!
Get rid of someone who wants to be somewhere else, you are not second best!!
Do things that make you happy, don’t torture yourself with what the loser is doing. Make a new life which totally excludes him, don’t look for love either because it will find you. Nothing more attractive than a healthy, happy woman!
Good luck!

Why are you still with this person? You have been treated appallingly.

Why tell her husband?

You’re angry and want to hurt someone!
It is your husband you should be angry with.

Put your energy in to getting all the information you can on your husband, business,bank accounts,investment and property.
Then see a solicitor.

Divorce is the only answer.

Then concentrate on yourself, make the most of the rest of your life.

I think it is time to get rid...dont you??? You have put up with this for 4 years!! How much longer are you going to put up with it??? What are you frightened of??? Being on your own??? You have been on your own for years while your so called husband goes and lives his life his way and continues to tell you lies!! Your head must be wrecked with it all...dont you want peace of mind now?? Let him go be with her and dont listen to any more of it. You need to sort yourself out now...it does not look or sound that you think enough of yourself. It sounds like your husband and the one he is with have done a good job on you. It would be a good idea to have some Counselling...you can do this online because of Covid. Loads of therapist are offering this right now... be it on Zoom or Skype. You need to get your thoughts & head together and tell your husband to go. Nothing can be any worse than it is for you now...at least when he has gone you will know why. You can free yourself up in time and get over this...and if and when ready meet someone else or have a fullfilling single life with no more hurt and deceit.

He has told you he is leaving you, has actually left you and moved into the flat. It is over, get a solicitor for the financial side and get on with your life.

Telling her husband is keeping the drama going. It does not matter about what he has been doing for the last 4 years. It is over.

Send the husband exactly what you've written here.

Your husband and the other woman have been taking you for a fool for the last few years. Too many people equate kindness with weakness.

This woman is desperate for her husband not to find out..so that's exactly what you need to do.. they've both lied and cheated on you for years , now it's your turn to not take that any more.. let the husband deal with his wife's infidelities.. ...

In answer to whether you should tell her husband - no. It just sounds as if you're looking for drama, or revenge. Let him find out by himself, as you did.