Should a Man put his women first ?

To those who think the OP is entitled to money if she leaves him - you are wrong. If you are married you have rights, if you are not married you have no rights.
I wish everybody in a "partner" relationship was made to read up on the subject.
OP Time to decide. Do you want him to marry you to give you security or would you be happier without him? He is unlikely to change. I know what I would choose.

Some great advice here. I was in a coercive controlling relationship & didn't even realise! - partly due a controlling mother before. There were always 'consequences' if I dared to think for.myself.
The final straw was when he took a loan out in joint names without telling me - against my house - which he'd weedled his way into the mortgage.
I stayed in the house and was surprised how easily I managed.to pay the bills.
Look up 'Gas-lighting' & see if you see the signs.
Of course he's loving that's part of the control.
Best wishes & Good luck

you sound quite isolated. the phrases you use.
unfortunately i doubt you are entitled to anything financially.
that why he didn't want to get married. you have been naive.
anyway, that;s the past. onwards and upwards.
fill up the car with petrol he's paid for, grab your essential docs and go stay with your daughter.
you can claim UC and help look after GC.
you could also apply for social housing, tell them you are fleeing domestic abuse. ring 101 police and women's aid.
things will get better, as you put distance between you and your erstwhile keeper.
good luck.

An American friend of mine many years ago said "There are more prostitutes with wedding rings on than there are prostitutes".
You may not actually be married but think about it .....

You ve got a big old footprint on your forehead
He’s controlling abusive and sounds quite ‘lovingly’ nasty
Whose idea was it to retire at 50 , I got the best job ever at 53 and worked at it for 16 years
Can you stay with your daughter to get away
Emotional abuse is very real as is financial abuse and keeping you from your family is an old trick to keep you reliant on him
Women’s Aid will give you feee advice and support

Is the house jointly owned? Other than that I wouldn't think you are entitled to anything as you are not married.

Yes Dinahmo I’m in his will just 10%.
Redhead56 no I drive myself, he’s the same age as me. My daughter moved as she couldn’t afford a larger property near me so it was purely financial.
Thankyou I will contact Women’s Aid I have never heard of them I was thinking of seeing a solicitor to see what my rights are.

He is emotionally blackmailing you by saying he will be rethinking the relationship. Do you rely on him to take you see your daughter. Definitely seek advice sooner than later so you know your rights. I am curious why your daughter chose to move so far away. Is it not possible for you to stay at your daughters? Even if it’s just to get some breathing space until you decide what to do. You have been assertive on here asking advice it’s not easy for everyone. Now you will have the confidence to decide where your future will be.

I did smile at the title of the post, should a man put his women first, I presume you meant woman beau1958, it’s not really about whether a man should put his woman first it’s more of, a man treating his partner / Wife with respect, your partner doesn’t sound very nice, as you say if you challenge him he says your attitude stinks! Wow! Like others have said he’s a controller! What on earth does he mean Op when he says he will have to rethink your relationship if you keep seeing your family! Sounds like he wants to keep you under his thumb, that’s a threat, I’d definately be taking legal advice

I think you owe it to yourself to at least find out what your options are, financially.
Then you can consider whether being gradually cut off from your family is worth it.

I’m glad you returned to the thread and have read the comments, Beau1958. You say you’re scared of your future, “living with no income”. If I were you, I’d be more scared of continuing to live as you are. This man is controlling all aspects of your life, and - it would seem - giving you no pleasure whatsoever. You are fairly young. I think you should leave now, while you still have a chance to make a better, happier future for yourself. Phone the Women’s aid helpline for advice - 0808 2000 247. Please.

Do you know whether he's made a will and are you a beneficiary? How old is he?

Thanks for all your comments. I retired at 50 as I started to babysit my grandchildren (not his we have children with different partners) we actually sleep in separate rooms so the companion in bed is not justified and I don’t agree I should pay the price of being controlled if I don’t work. What really has got me this time is him saying I can’t see my grandchildren he says he will have to rethink our relationship if I keep seeing them. I do stay over a few nights when I go which I know he doesn’t like but this is really eating away at me. We don’t have a joint account he wouldn’t like that. I’m just scared of my future trying to cope on my own I’m 63 staying with my daughter is a short fix but I’m scared of living with no income. I think I will get legal advice to see where I stand.

You should always put your partner first. Does not matter if you are the male or the female side of the partnership. That is what makes it a lasting relationship when you both think of the other person and put them first.

I find the relationship described by Beau1958 very worrying and surprised it has lasted 21 years.

I find the title of the thread odd. “Should a man put HIS!! women first?” Capitals are mine.

This sounds like emotional abuse. If you're unhappy and need help to leave as Galaxy said, Woman's Aid can and will help you.

This is the 21st century. No partner should control the other.

2 words. F%*#$ that!

I agree Blossoming I've just looked at this title again and it hit me how dated this is.

The title of this thread speaks volumes about the nature of this relationship. It certainly isn’t what I’d choose.

(the title made me laugh. How many women?)

Beau1958, 'he who pays the piper calls the tune. If you're happy to be a kept woman, you'll find it hard to assert yourself and make your own choices.

If you're independent financially, you can dictate the flight times - and pay too. As for visiting your daughter, you really don't need permission - so just go when you want to!

Controlling can be and often is abusive eazybee.

You are a companion, a housekeeper, a mistress, but you are not a partner. Partners are equal. He is controlling; I would not call him abusive, but it sounds as though he pays for everything and therefore thinks he has the right to make all the decisions.
Is your allowance generous or is it pin money?
Do you actually own anything? Do you have any claim on the house, a car, joint possessions? Check up; a friend left her partner and found all the things she thought they had bought together had actually been paid for on his credit card and all the receipts were in his name; money taken from the joint account was for 'expenses.'
I am a bit puzzled as to how you are able to visit your daughter and grandchildren 'no more than once a month'.
In this country?

This is a n example of coercive control and financial abuse Beau both of which are now criminal offences.

This is about a partnership, equality and mutual respect none of which appear to be evident in your relationship. If you are seriously thinking about ending this relationship you need to get some legal advice to see where you stand in terms of your financial position.

You may not be married but you've been together for 21 years and may be surprised at what you could be entitled too.