Should a Man put his women first ?

Sorry but no partner/husband would stop me seeing my friends or family whenever I want. If he insists on early flights just don’t go, if this causes strife then so be it. Don’t let him rule your life and if you feel you want to leave then make a plan so you have things in place. Good luck hopefully the shock of you standing firm will make him mend his controlling behaviour.

I don't know about putting his partner first but I never comprehend how one person can forbid another from doing something.

If I wanted to visit my grandchildren who live 2 hours away and Grampy didn't want me to go - he'd be watching me reverse out of the drive.

What exactly would your partner do if you just went?

Agree with Tanith

I don't think you're being selfish. I think he's being very controlling and abusive. It's all very well being loving when you do as your told but he doesn't seem to be that loving when you don't.

You want to walk but you have no money. Actually you can access 'his' money. Get legal advice.

Forgot to say. He maybe thinks that not getting married will stop you claiming from him. It won't.

You say he is loving. How is this so as he doesn’t sound very loving?

I agree with Tanith 100%.

I don't thin k you're being selfish. I do think you're being walked all over. Only you can decide what to do about it.

Well, he's got you exactly where he wants you. Do you want to stay with him has to be the first question? If not, then you should contact a lawyer. Do you jointly own a house? Then it could be sold. Do you work or have a pension? If so, you have an income. If you want to stay with him then actually you have a harder job as presumably you'll let him have his own way for 19 years and kicking back now will be alien to you. Lots of thinking to do.

Why are you with him? I could not countenance anyone telling me where I could go, and when.

You receive an "allowance" and he doesn't "allow" you to visit your daughter - you have been together for 21 years you may not be married but yours is a partnership (or at least should be).

Don't ask him if you can visit your daughter - tell him you are going, if he plans a holiday tell him if it is an early morning flight he will be going alone.

Is this recent behaviour or has he always been this controlling?

Sorry, I missed your point about getting an allowance. If that's from him then he is very controlling and not loving.

^ I think he's being very controlling and abusive. It's all very well being loving when you do as your told but he doesn't seem to be that loving when you don't.^

I'm with vq on this. I don't know about this man putting his woman first thing but as partners I would at least expect consideration and respect for each other.

I know exactly where you're coming from.
Mine's the same, but I've learned how to control him (that's not the right word - I can't come up with the right one at the moment) by doing and saying nothing about the small things and letting him think he's in control. That's what it is, a need to control.
When its a big thing, like your early morning flights, I take a tip from Prince Charles and say its 'non negotiable' and I insist on having my way.
We've been married 60+ years and its happy apart from that aspect - there's no point in ending it, what's the point? These men who need to control are really very insecure, feel sorry for him, but stick to your guns on the big things. If he won't take a flight at a reasonable time, don't go, get a single flight on your own.
ps, to my mind an 'allowance' is an old fashioned expression for the money tha wage earner puts into the pot for a partner to use for her own and household purchases. The modern way is to have a joint account.

Why at the age of 50 did you retire and then have to rely on an 'allowance'?

Seems as you are 'kept' you're expected to dance to his tune.

So many women post similar stories on GN - they're not happy with controlling men, but don't want to have to support themselves!

Please seek some advice from Womans Aid, this is an abusive relationship, there are organisations that will support you.

It sounds like he is the selfish one. If you want to leave him it's perfectly possible. I did it in my fifties.
No-one should stop you from seeing your family. How about just defying him and see them anyway? You can't spend the rest of your life being controlled in this way.

Good point Riverwalk. Why not get yourself a job, 'unretire' and then spend your own money on later flights, and visits to your daughter? It all sounds rather 50's to me, an allowance? Does this mean you don't have access to a shared bank account?

Why are you putting up with this treatment from him,can you not go to your DDs home and stay there,whilst there find yourself a small flat etc and get on with your life for goodness sake you are young and have years of unhappiness if you stay with him.

I agree that Beau1958 has a very controlling partner but its not easy to change tack at this late stage. What would he do if you went against his wishes Beau.
You need to talk about all this with your partner and see if you can find some common ground to make this a more equal partnership.
If he doesn't want to change then it's time to move on, sort out your finances out and make a life for yourself elsewhere. Good luck.

I couldn't be with a man like that. He is controlling. If he really loved you he would be willing to compromise.

The things people will put up with to be in a relationship! It’s not about a man putting a woman first, it’s about treating other human beings with respect and consideration, and the way you describe your partner suggest that he does not.

What is he going to do if you refuse to play nicely? If you don’t know, try it! Go and stay with your daughter to help out with the kids, refuse to go on holiday with him if he insists on early flights. Being a companion in bed in exchange for an allowance is a professional relationship with a long and murky history, and it rarely works in a woman’s favour.

Galaxy

Please seek some advice from Womans Aid, this is an abusive relationship, there are organisations that will support you.

How is this an abusive relationship, as opposed to a controlling one?

Not trying to argue with you, but I do get exasperated with women who don't mind being financially dependent on a man but are then surprised that it comes at a price.

Why did you retire at 50 if you do not have your own money?

He is not your parent, he cannot tell you what to do nor is it his responsibility to support you.

It is not a question of him putting you first but of having an equal relationship.