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Should a Man put his women first ?

(57 Posts)
Beau1958 Sun 21-Feb-21 11:39:35

My partner of 21 years (not husband he’s never wanted to get married) never seems to put me first. Everything is on his terms if I challenge him he says
‘my attitude stinks’ He has a very successful business I retired at 50 and I get an allowance. He’s loving and says he loves me but he has no consideration for me. For instance if we go on holiday I can’t stomach early flights it makes me feel ill but he insists we fly early regardless of how I feel. Also my daughter has moved 100 miles away with my small GS she’s a single parent he won’t allow me to visit any less than a month apart. My daughter and I are very close and she does struggle with two under 5’s. Besides I really miss them I was seeing them nearly every day so it’s hard for me. Am I being selfish or unfair ? Sometimes I just feel like walking out but I have no money of my own and nowhere to live so I feel trapped.

tanith Sun 21-Feb-21 11:47:14

Sorry but no partner/husband would stop me seeing my friends or family whenever I want. If he insists on early flights just don’t go, if this causes strife then so be it. Don’t let him rule your life and if you feel you want to leave then make a plan so you have things in place. Good luck hopefully the shock of you standing firm will make him mend his controlling behaviour.

NanaandGrampy Sun 21-Feb-21 11:49:06

I don't know about putting his partner first but I never comprehend how one person can forbid another from doing something.

If I wanted to visit my grandchildren who live 2 hours away and Grampy didn't want me to go - he'd be watching me reverse out of the drive.

What exactly would your partner do if you just went?

Sara1954 Sun 21-Feb-21 11:51:27

Agree with Tanith

vampirequeen Sun 21-Feb-21 11:51:49

I don't think you're being selfish. I think he's being very controlling and abusive. It's all very well being loving when you do as your told but he doesn't seem to be that loving when you don't.

You want to walk but you have no money. Actually you can access 'his' money. Get legal advice.

vampirequeen Sun 21-Feb-21 11:52:52

Forgot to say. He maybe thinks that not getting married will stop you claiming from him. It won't.

25Avalon Sun 21-Feb-21 11:54:17

You say he is loving. How is this so as he doesn’t sound very loving?

timetogo2016 Sun 21-Feb-21 11:55:09

I agree with Tanith 100%.

Blinko Sun 21-Feb-21 11:55:13

I don't thin k you're being selfish. I do think you're being walked all over. Only you can decide what to do about it.

Grandmabatty Sun 21-Feb-21 11:55:16

Well, he's got you exactly where he wants you. Do you want to stay with him has to be the first question? If not, then you should contact a lawyer. Do you jointly own a house? Then it could be sold. Do you work or have a pension? If so, you have an income. If you want to stay with him then actually you have a harder job as presumably you'll let him have his own way for 19 years and kicking back now will be alien to you. Lots of thinking to do.

GillT57 Sun 21-Feb-21 11:55:50

Why are you with him? I could not countenance anyone telling me where I could go, and when.

Oldwoman70 Sun 21-Feb-21 11:56:39

You receive an "allowance" and he doesn't "allow" you to visit your daughter - you have been together for 21 years you may not be married but yours is a partnership (or at least should be).

Don't ask him if you can visit your daughter - tell him you are going, if he plans a holiday tell him if it is an early morning flight he will be going alone.

Is this recent behaviour or has he always been this controlling?

Grandmabatty Sun 21-Feb-21 11:57:50

Sorry, I missed your point about getting an allowance. If that's from him then he is very controlling and not loving.

Amberone Sun 21-Feb-21 11:58:01

^ I think he's being very controlling and abusive. It's all very well being loving when you do as your told but he doesn't seem to be that loving when you don't.^

I'm with vq on this. I don't know about this man putting his woman first thing but as partners I would at least expect consideration and respect for each other.

ExD Sun 21-Feb-21 12:10:23

I know exactly where you're coming from.
Mine's the same, but I've learned how to control him (that's not the right word - I can't come up with the right one at the moment) by doing and saying nothing about the small things and letting him think he's in control. That's what it is, a need to control.
When its a big thing, like your early morning flights, I take a tip from Prince Charles and say its 'non negotiable' and I insist on having my way.
We've been married 60+ years and its happy apart from that aspect - there's no point in ending it, what's the point? These men who need to control are really very insecure, feel sorry for him, but stick to your guns on the big things. If he won't take a flight at a reasonable time, don't go, get a single flight on your own.
ps, to my mind an 'allowance' is an old fashioned expression for the money tha wage earner puts into the pot for a partner to use for her own and household purchases. The modern way is to have a joint account.

Riverwalk Sun 21-Feb-21 12:12:08

Why at the age of 50 did you retire and then have to rely on an 'allowance'?

Seems as you are 'kept' you're expected to dance to his tune.

So many women post similar stories on GN - they're not happy with controlling men, but don't want to have to support themselves!

Galaxy Sun 21-Feb-21 12:17:04

Please seek some advice from Womans Aid, this is an abusive relationship, there are organisations that will support you.

henetha Sun 21-Feb-21 12:17:12

It sounds like he is the selfish one. If you want to leave him it's perfectly possible. I did it in my fifties.
No-one should stop you from seeing your family. How about just defying him and see them anyway? You can't spend the rest of your life being controlled in this way.

GillT57 Sun 21-Feb-21 12:17:27

Good point Riverwalk. Why not get yourself a job, 'unretire' and then spend your own money on later flights, and visits to your daughter? It all sounds rather 50's to me, an allowance? Does this mean you don't have access to a shared bank account?

glammanana Sun 21-Feb-21 12:21:52

Why are you putting up with this treatment from him,can you not go to your DDs home and stay there,whilst there find yourself a small flat etc and get on with your life for goodness sake you are young and have years of unhappiness if you stay with him.

sodapop Sun 21-Feb-21 12:24:02

I agree that Beau1958 has a very controlling partner but its not easy to change tack at this late stage. What would he do if you went against his wishes Beau.
You need to talk about all this with your partner and see if you can find some common ground to make this a more equal partnership.
If he doesn't want to change then it's time to move on, sort out your finances out and make a life for yourself elsewhere. Good luck.

Marydoll Sun 21-Feb-21 12:26:10

I couldn't be with a man like that. He is controlling. If he really loved you he would be willing to compromise.

geekesse Sun 21-Feb-21 12:27:31

The things people will put up with to be in a relationship! It’s not about a man putting a woman first, it’s about treating other human beings with respect and consideration, and the way you describe your partner suggest that he does not.

What is he going to do if you refuse to play nicely? If you don’t know, try it! Go and stay with your daughter to help out with the kids, refuse to go on holiday with him if he insists on early flights. Being a companion in bed in exchange for an allowance is a professional relationship with a long and murky history, and it rarely works in a woman’s favour.

Riverwalk Sun 21-Feb-21 12:32:55


Please seek some advice from Womans Aid, this is an abusive relationship, there are organisations that will support you.

How is this an abusive relationship, as opposed to a controlling one?

Not trying to argue with you, but I do get exasperated with women who don't mind being financially dependent on a man but are then surprised that it comes at a price.

cornishpatsy Sun 21-Feb-21 12:34:16

Why did you retire at 50 if you do not have your own money?

He is not your parent, he cannot tell you what to do nor is it his responsibility to support you.

It is not a question of him putting you first but of having an equal relationship.